I feel so Stuck and so scared

[Rararara]

I want to Leave! I don’t even know what to write or where to start. I’m so stuck

[Grey Rock]

Hi Rararara.

Are you able to call Women’s Aid in the morning? They can help you to make a plan.

If you are in immediate danger please do call 999, or use the online chat facility to speak to your local police force from the bathroom if you arent able to speak to them out loud. (I’ve had to do that in the past).

It’s so hard to think clearly in that situation I know. Think about changing your passwords to all online accounts to prevent malicious use (even online shops you may use) but especially banking, email, etc. Try to start gathering important documents that you are likely to need and that could be difficult to replace (passport, banking, medical and education documents) and get them securely stored ready. Get an emergency bag ready and hidden somewhere safe that won’t be seen. Even these steps can take sone time when you’re trying to do it secretly. Make a list of important numbers and addresses just in case you end up having to leave without your phone. Install the Hollie Guard app in readiness. You can set off an alert for help using this just in case things take a turn for the worse.

It’s also worth mentally preparing yourself for what is ahead emotionally. How do you think you would feel about reporting the abuse and signing a statement? Is that something you would be prepared to do? I know for me it took a number of occasions with police involvement before I could bring myself to do this. I really didn’t want to get him in trouble and I was also scared of how angry it would make him. However, once (detail removed by moderator) it meant that there were Multi-agency meetings and i had support from Womens Aid and the police for my housing application and being relocated somewhere safe. Women’s Aid really massively helped me to navigate all this stuff. Practically and emotionally. I couldn’t have done it without them.

There is hope. I promise. It’s not easy to get away but it’s so worth the effort. I ended up being a bit adrift for a while, but I’m now happy and able to get on with a new life without him knowing where I am. There is a restraining order in place that still has a fair amount of time left in it too. It really is possible.

You’re in my prayers tonight.

GR

[Lisa]

Hi Rararara

Well done for reaching out for support, and welcome to the forum. I can see that Grey Rock has given really good advice. I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be and that slowly you can start to open up more.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling stuck. If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat
service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Rararara]

Thank you for the reply’s

I made contact this morning with women’s aid. I guess I’m scared of not knowing what to do, what will happen to my children’s belongings, uprooting my children and being so far away from what little friends and family I do have left. Basically having nothing.and im hurting knowing I gave him my all and realising he don’t love me. Im just his possession

Doesn’t help with a teething baby and no sleep 😂

[Wants To Help]

Hi Rararara,

I understand your fears of leaving everything behind. I had that fear too, along with the “why should I?” mentality. It is a huge thing to consider, let alone even start to do.

I fled one night with a suitcase of clothes only. I even had to leave some clothes behind so that the wardrobes didn’t look suspiciously ’empty’ if he came home suddenly, realised we’d gone and was able to track us down before I got to my safe place.

Once I was safe and people around us knew what we’d fled, the support that kicked in was amazing. Clothes and toys for my little one were gifted to us in abundance. My son didn’t go without, ever. Things were not always brand new, but they were as good as new and perfectly usable. It’s amazing what support is out there, and how ‘ordinary’ people step up and want to help out. Don’t let a worry about how you will provide toys and clothes be one of the things that stops you leaving an abusive relationship.

I had no friends or family either when I left. I had to reach out and ask for help, and through that reaching out, people came in to our lives that made it possible for me to get through all the stress and the trauma that followed. NEVER be afraid to ask for help. I could not have done this without help, and on some occasions, it’s the ‘ordinary’ people that helped more than the actual support services.

Don’t think that when you leave you will have ‘nothing’. What you lack in possessions you get back in freedom, safety, choices, yourself, a life free of abuse. That is worth so much more than possessions.

Good luck x

[Rararara]

I know all the material stuff doesn’t matter, we’ll not to me anyway. It’s just stupid stuff like the kids (detail removed by moderator) and babies Walker and taking them away from everything. It’s also the baby not seeing his dad. It’s the guilt, but I also know I have nothing to feel guilty for.
Also the confusion of how can someone say they love me and threaten me about me leaving and never being able to move on. But Treat me like they can’t stand me and hit me. (detail removed by moderator) it’s scarred.

He latest threat is acid. And I know I can’t take that as a empty threat because he was ‘ angry ‘ when he said it.

I know the right thing to do and what I’ve got to do.
I’m currently waiting for a refuge. I’ve got to see it as it’s a start of a better life for my children and that it will make sure in a years time they will still have a mum.

[Wants To Help]

Well done you. Since posting last night you have made so much progress. You’ve contacted Women’s Aid and you’re now waiting for a refuge place. You are no longer ‘stuck’, but understandably still scared.

You ARE doing the best thing for you and your baby. Your baby will grow up knowing you are scared of their father, and they will grow up in that atmosphere, it will most definitely have a negative impact on them. I hope you manage to find a refuge place soon.

Threatening to throw acid over you is very serious indeed. No one says that in a ‘jokey’ way, and whether he said it angrily or not is irrelevant – it’s a serious threat however it is said. I’m glad you are not minimising that at all, and if anything, it’s what is prompting you to go to refuge.

The guilt and confusion you are feeling is so normal for ladies like us. The guilt is because we care. We can put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, and what we are thinking is “I know what it would feel like for me if I came home one day to find my partner had fled with my child and I have no idea where they are.” The thing is, you would not up and leave if this man was good to you, kind to you, caring and considerate etc. You are not leaving to be mean, or cruel, or spiteful. You are leaving to PROTECT. You are protecting yourself and your baby. As you say, you have nothing at all to feel guilty for, but it’s so much easier said than done isn’t it? This ‘guilt’ you feel is something you will live with. I felt guilty too, I took my son away and was gone for a long time before he saw his son again, but by then I was mentally and emotionally stronger to deal with what was to come.

The confusion is a whole new ball game. Understanding that will come with time as you educate yourself on domestic abuse and learn the cycle of abuse, the wheel of power and control, trauma bonding, FOG, and learn that these men can never have a ‘normal’ loving relationship. They are never about give and take, about nurture and growth, love and encouragement. They are all about themselves, how they can use and abuse us to better themselves, in whatever way they can.

When we look at how we encourage and empower our children, praise them, give them confidence etc, these men cannot do this to us. I have lost count the amount of times my son came home from school (detail removed by moderator) and I reacted with excitement. (Detail removed by moderator)  Did I ever ridicule or mock my son for these loving gestures? Of course not. His efforts were met with delight and appreciation, which made him in to the secure and loved man he is today. Yet when he bought his Dad (detail removed by moderator) and it’s actually come in very handy 🙂

We are nurturers, we are carers, we are givers. They are the opposite. They don’t understand us, they think we are weak, an easy target, and something to be taken advantage of. The difference is, we may not understand them, but we can learn about them. They can’t be bothered to learn about us, they are too selfish for that.

So you take your baby away from this abusive man if you are able, and set yourselves free from this toxic life you are currently living. Give yourself some breathing space to get yourself emotionally and mentally stronger for the next stage.

As my solicitor once said to me (detail removed by moderator)

[Rararara]

I literally feel like my head is going to explode and so drained and tired

I’ve had no luck getting out yet

[Author]

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