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My ex has done things to purposely harm me and our children, and without remorse. He no longer has access to the children, and at the moment our children want to pretend he doesn’t exist.
He trained my mind over many years to take the blame, and to shift the focus off of him and onto myself. He has done horrible things. But I can’t shake off that feeling of having done something wrong or feeling sorry for him.
If I’m reading a book about their tactics and motives, then I tend to be more secure about my decisions and feel like I’m doing the right thing. But I want to move on.
These lows where I feel sorry for him, as though I’ve wronged him are common for me.
How do I move on? -
Hello Ocean I could’ve written your post so I really understand. How I see it is they brainwashed us – reading those books and being on here kind of deletes that to get back to you the old you the one before him but now with more bravery and wisdom. I think counselling and people recommend freedom project tho I’ve not done it. For me I wrote a list of what he did I wrote a statement for police and I listen to what my children say. The doubt as to who he really is has gone these days I don’t feel sorry for him but I do feel sad for my children and myself and the damage he has done on every front that we live with. Have you read up about trauma bonding? It explained everything so well to me. The sad fact is they never loved us it was all a sick act part of their plan and that sure takes some time to get your head around. You freed yourself and your children you have control over your life now. You have done nothing wrong at all in fact you have got you and your children away and that takes such courage. It will get better with bumps – I’ve hit a bump today x
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Dear Watersprite,
I hope you get the encouragement you need to get through your bump today xx
Thank you for responding.
Believing he never loved me helps to move on and not feel sorry for him. But it is so hard to accept. I remember the person I loved, and the good times. They were far and few between, but enough to keep me hoping and going for the years we were together even though the end was just all bad.
My children can’t remember good times, it’s as though the darkness overshadows.
I hope you and your children will have good futures, free from control and manipulation xx
Thank you for the encouragement!
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Hey Ocean,
I could have written parts of your post too as I’ve now realised my partner has conditioned me so much over the years to make me feel like I’m the problem whilst shifting the focus off of himself and his dreadful behaviour. Or he’ll only take half the blame whilst telling me we are ‘both as bad as each other’.
I haven’t left yet but started reading the book Healing from hidden abuse which I would recommend if you haven’t read it already xx-
Dear gettingtired,
Thank you for your reply. That book is really good, I recommend it too. It was the first book I read on this subject, and I found it really helpful.
I’m so happy to be out of the relationship. I think the longer we are in , the longer the recovery for the conditioning they have done. Which means I’m not completely free, yet.
Sometimes we can respond to the abuse, and some abusers rely on that response. It’s called reactive abuse. It’s so useful for them to get a reaction so they can turn the attention on us and off of themselves.
I’m sorry you are going through what you are going through. I hope for the best and safest outcome for you xx
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