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(Detail removed by moderator) asking me to attend mediation regards contact with my son. I just froze as hes a history of domestic violence against us and has recently been interviewed by the police about the trauma hes caused his own son (detail removed by moderator). I immediately called the solicitors and said I will not be attending as hes a history of violence against us… my guess is hes not told them this…. I’m wondering if hes approached the solicitor to impress his new partner as maybe shes wondering why hes not getting access…. has anyone else had this? X*x
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After mediation speaking to my ex first, they phoned and said it was my choice but they didn’t think it was suitable. Ive received (detail removed by Moderator) dreading every moment of it but i guess he knows thats how i would feel. Mediation wont work with someone who will lie about things. Hope things go ok for you.
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Him having a new partner and her raising questions is exactly what has been at the centre of his lies for us. (detail removed by Moderator) I eventaully learnt the entire BS narrative he was peddaling with her and everyone he knew. So hard to prove, because in family court its all done on he says, she says, the child says and not much else, unless he has police records.
His solicitor has asked this as it’s a matter of course, the courts expect everyone to go to mediation to try this first before court action, as it gives the parents the opportunity to resolve things without the need for court.
It often doesn’t work with an abuser no, and you are not required to do it when there has been DA. Did you know you can attend in seperate rooms? And the mediator shuffles between the two rooms.
It sounds like you are gathering the right kind of evidence – as in other professionals are involved, which, if the court agrees and sees he is a risk, he will only be granted supervised access.
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If you can get a parental agreement drawn up as a result of going to mediation, as you can agree to the type of access, this is probably much better for you. IF and this is a big if, if this can be achieved. Quite often they know their rights and that all they need to do is take this to court; also that it causes you distress – win win for him right? Cafcass offer a parental agreement service if you are interested in trying this.
I say this because being the primary carer you do have more rights at the moment; but if you go to family court, time with him will be court ordered so you will have to comply and you might not like how it is set up; you will be expected to be reasonable in court. But obs if you have concerns this will be taken into account. You can request third party handovers when there’s been DA and this should be respected.
Family court is dreadful and there are no winners, the court needs to be seen as fair and law states the child has a right to a relationship with their father, so unless you can prove he is abusive to your child he will get access of a kind. He will only not get access if it can be proven he has physically or sexually abused the child, in all other instances he will get acccess, either supervised or unsupervised.
Personally feel it’s better to try and play the long game and keep it from going to court for as long as possible, keeping hold of your primary carer rights for as long as you can – this is what I did. It will likely end up in court at some point, but at present you have the final say in all matters regarding the arrangements, so dragging this out for as long as possible may be the way to go, so even if you say yes to mediation and it doesn’t work, you’ve gained in time here, delayed it, because ultimately we know the law is on his side in family court. Family court takes the view the parents can’t agree so a form of access needs to be set up.
Some women feel they need a court order to prevent him from not returning the child as there is nothing to stop him from doing this without an order; you could apply for a resident parent order to stop this, but chances are once you go to court you’d get this but he’d also get an arrangements order. Some women want an arrangements order as it prevents him from messing her around too.
It sounds like you have serious concerns for your child’s safety, so you are going to need the support of the professionals, their statements to support your statement; childrens services, CAMS, Cafcass, NSPCC, GP, your children’s counsellor is all the type of evidence you will need. ‘Hopefully’ these professionals will agree and see it, but there’s also the possibilty they won’t too of course.
Keep posting, it’s a long process, lots of women on here that can help. Guess for now you need to decide whether you think you have a case for no contact, and go for this – holding it in mind that all of the prfoessionals you come into contact with will think he and your child have the right to see one another – unless there is severe abuse; and if not, keep it out of court for as long as possible and build a case for supervised access x
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