I got in touch with my xx

[Anonymous]

So previously the police issued a harassment order on him in the past. I got in touch with him because I needed someone to talk to. However he was like all I have been listening to is you I need you to know how you made me feel and you never let me talk about it. He began to raise his voice at me and I literally just cried. Said I am the worst person for not listening to him. As I said your making me feel like I am the worst person. I don’t know if this is abuse. But I know it hurt me. I am now in two minds to completely cut all contact with him aswell or to try again. But for some reason after last night and him upset me I am unsure. He said he has not moved on etc. I don’t know what to do any advice, guidance or support would help. I have always had love there for him but just he says I never let him talk and raises his voice. During the real I was cheating on him because of other situations in my life which he is aware of and he starting saying well you sucked his c*** whichurt me a lot. Is there a way to speak to someone or am I over thinking??

[KIP.]

You need to work on your own self esteem and confidence. Ask yourself why you are reaching out to a man who you had to get the police involved to keep him away from you? If you need someone to talk to then ring the helpline or the Samaritans. Not a past abuser. Have you done the freedom course with women’s aid? It’s really good at pointing out why you return to abusive men and how to recognise abuse. Ask yourself truly what you expected him to say. If you’re looking for support and closure, you won’t get it from an abuser.

[Sad sunflower]

Hello Anon.

The ladies on the forum have always told me that No contact is the way to go. At first I did not understand why and texted or called my ex every single time I needed someone to talk to. Big mistake. After talking with him I only felt worse. I took me a long time (over (Detail removed by Moderator) after the first time he hit me) to understand why No contact is so so so important. I’ve been No contact for almost (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks I think and I feel actually much better. I don’t feel guilty and worthless anymore. The first few days are hell, but as time goes on it becomes easier to keep yourself from reaching out to your abuser and eventually, you don’t even feel that need anymore. I agree with KIP, if you need someone to talk to you can always call the helpline, the Samaritans or post here. It will get better with time, just please try to stick to No contact.

Big hug

[Anabela]

I was repeatedly told to keep zero contact with him and I thought that I cannot do it. Impossible. I would break my no contact very soon many times. And that was the only reason I could not move on from that relationship and from having feelings for him.
Until I finally did it. And it was like a switch, I got such a warm feeling of peace wrapped around me 🙂
You don’t need an abusive man to talk to when you feel low. As you noticed yourself, he only makes you feel worse. You deserve someone who is kind and understanding,and gently with your feelings. And that is not your ex.
Do you have any good friend who knows your situation and you can talk to? Or post here. Posting here always helped me. 🙂

[fridges]

Recently I read something – The one who broke you cannot heal you.
Do not expect this person to help you to heal, when he was the one, who broke you down to the million pieces. or wait that he is going to admit what he has done, say sorry or change.
It is you who need to put effort to heal, to build a new version of yourself, to change and grow. You are the one who need to make this step and then with the transformation + revision, you are able to move forward in life.

There is no closure with the abusers, you are stuck. This closure you can give only yourself. You need to close the door forever.
You can be in pain for some time from no contact, but then you will pass through this. This pain is temporary, but pain of being abused – permanent.
Abusers make you dependent on them, also trauma bonding happening, plus with all what happening your judgement is very bad and confused.

[Author]

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