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Hi ladies,
As we are nearing Christmas, I’m certain that I’m not alone in my feelings of sadness. It’s such an emotive time of year with loads of good, strong memories which makes things hard. However, in an attempt to spread a little festive positivity, I thought I would post here the things I’ve learnt to be true since I “got out” earlier this year. I hope that my words may help some ladies who read them. Plus, I think it might do me some good to vent!! 🙂
1. The good memories flood back quicker than the bad ones
This is the HARDEST PART! Especially right now at Christmas. So many memories, traditions, photos, Christmas tree decorations that we bought together, routine things that we will never do again. One of the first things I was told (on this forum, actually) is that the good memories always leap forwards and the bad memories get pushed back. Try to hold on to the bad memories. It isn’t a Christmas fairy tale is it? Otherwise you wouldn’t be on here reading this forum. Get your journal out. Read it. And if you haven’t read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, then buy it and read it. Knowledge is power.2. Yes, it is abuse
My abusive partner was manipulative, controlling and verbally abusive (but also a TOTAL CHARMER!!!!!)
Just because he wasn’t physical did not make him any less intimidating and frightening. If your best friend behaved the way your partner does, would you still be friends with them? Chances are, No. Words and actions leave scars. Trust your gut. After leaving my husband, a friend confided in me that if her husband spoke to her the way that my husband spoke to me, she would cry every day. This was very hard to hear. But it was clear as day. At that point I was so relieved that I was out.3. It does get better
I can’t stress this enough. I’m not over it yet, but life is SO MUCH better now that I am out.
My recovery cycle was relief, followed by anger, followed by immense sadness, and now I’ve found contentment (of sorts). That low level of anxiety that you have all the time when you live with your abusive partner – it will go away and the feeling is actually really nice. Feeling calm? Lovely. Being free to behave how you please? Wonderful! But it does take time. For me it took counselling, the confidence of good friends, my own space, and time. And I’m far from over it. I burst into tears yesterday just looking as a specific Christmas bauble. BUT – life is still better now, and will continue to get better. It was never going to get better in my abusive relationship. Another thing is; I realised that I can “do life” perfectly well on my own. I’m not codependent. I’m not an idiot after all (don’t tell him that, his world will shatter) and I am more than capable of taking care of my self and my life quite well, thank you very much 🙂4. He probably won’t ever change (sorry)
I’ve had reason to see my husband quite a lot since moving out. Mainly for “admin” reasons, and for collecting things from the house. He hasn’t changed a jot. He’s still condescending, rude, belittling, even now. Even after what’s happened his tone with me is that of utter superiority. Seeing these little glimpses reminds me of the transparent fact that he will not change. It isn’t in his DNA. In fact, I think he’s sore about the fact that I saw him for what he truly was, and called him out on it.5. Some people won’t understand
This is really hard. I hope that other people don’t experience this like I have. Some very close friends and family members simply don’t get it. I’ve had other women say things like “every couple argues” and “you should have stayed and tried to work it out” and “You’re chasing rainbows”.
Don’t. Waste. Your. Energy.
These people can turn a positive day in to a crash-and-burn-horrible day. It takes strength and courage to come to the realisation that you are being abused, and to remove yourself from it. Don’t allow anyone to bring you down. If they don’t get it – don’t keep trying to persuade them. You don’t owe anyone any justification. There is one particular “doubter” in my life, whose own husband treats her appallingly. My theory is that some people are happy as they are. My decision to leave an unhealthy, destructive, abusive relationship was my decision and other people may be comfortable to stay. I wasn’t. My decision. Don’t let other people’s insecurities about their own relationships ruin your day. Having said that, I have a friend who recently told me that my decision to leave has prompted her to ask questions about unhealthy behaviour in her own relationship. To clarify: I’m not going around telling my friends to leave their partners!!!! 🙂
Sometimes it takes the action of one person to give other people confidence to ask, and challenge, and find their own voices and speak up.6. Most people DO understand
I’m quite comfortable telling my story now, to friends, or colleagues. I still can’t quite get used to their positive reactions. I’m not a hero. I can’t take a compliment very well. When I’m alone and feeling contemplative (like now) I do think back to the positive comments that people have said and I do start to believe them. I should get better at saying it. Leaving is hard. It takes guts and strength. It takes determination to push down the voice inside that tells you to go back! The people who build you up and say these nice things are the people you should surround yourself with because they speak the truth.Anyway, that’s all I can think of. These 6 things are the things that I have learnt to be true since I got out.
I’m currently sitting on the sofa in trakkie bottoms, on my own (except for my needy dog) and feeling pretty good. Today has been very hard, but I feel okay. Tomorrow is another day to feel even better. I’m going to focus on how Christmas used to feel before I met my husband. I used to think it was pretty rocking, actually!! I knew how to have fun then, and I still do now. So, I might just put some Shakin’ Stevens on and dance around the kitchen for a bit. Goodnight x -
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Love this post. Thank you so much for sharing it. Mine said so many vile criticisms and put downs that sometimes it’s hard to block his voice out of my head. Your post made me smile and feel hopeful. Thank you 🙂
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Hi Same-Again, I know exactly what you mean. The longer I spend time away from him, I realise just how totally unacceptable it is to speak to another human being like that. Let alone someone you’re supposed to “love”. If only I was brave enough to say, “I’m sorry, who do you think you’re talking to???” [accompanied with a sassy head movement] the very first time he spoke to me like that – sadly I let it go on for years, and years, and yeeeaaaarrrrs. x
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Love this. Me and my husband have separated several times this year. And even though I know its abuse and hell never change I have found myself thinking about the good and pushing the bad to the back of my mind. I just remind myself of how it’s made my daughter feel and it helps me stay strong and stick to my guns. Wishing you well x
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Great post 🙂
I just had my first experience of a ‘friend’ criticising my choice to have no further contact. I was shocked at how awful it made me feel – almost as bad as day one again!
Thank you for your thoughtful words about your progress, it makes me feel hopeful.
Well done you x-
Yes I’ve had family say “you’ll have to talk to him properly”. They don’t understand that this isn’t possible. For a split second I felt cruel and sorry for him, but then I remember how he used to speak to me week in week out, all the hideous names he’d call me. He doesn’t deserve any more of my time. I got all the begging when I left but now I’ve raised finances via messages his mask is slipping again x
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Hi ladies, I’ve had a really tough day today. I wanted to post on this thread as a reminder if just hiw quickly things can swing from positive to negative. I’ve cried all day. Ex called me and told me that he misses me, he is heartbroken, and he will regret letting me go until the day he dies. I’m not letting this set me back. Read my journal and reminded myself who he really is. Its still sad though. He might be heartbroken but I was for years, with every cruel word. Onwards and upwards.
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Good for you for keeping up with the good habits that was helping you to recover. Remaining clear and strong will keep you from going back to abuse. Don’t let him sacrifice your happiness in order for him to feel better. His manipulation is of course part of the abuse. He’s dealing with the pain of loneliness which he’s hoping you would fix for him (as you have done in the past at the expense of your own). He’s still looking for someone else to make him feel better instead of looking inward. And that was of course, always the problem. He’s heartbroken but only for himself. My ex used to tell me his sobs story all the time and I would cry over his “suffering”. Until I realized he never thought about my suffering, my pain. This pathologic selfishness and lack of empathy is why the abuse doesn’t stop or get better.
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Well done for staying strong.
Again, it’s always about them. Their feelings. Their needs. Their loss. Notice how intense his words are. Notice the drama in them. Notice how he still believes he is in control ‘he will regret letting me go until the day he dies’. He wrongly believes you had no say in leaving which we know is incorrect. It’s a red flag!
They use us as human sticking plasters for their damaged minds, but like you said, he refuses to do the inner work to see himself clearly and is on the hunt for another human sticking plaster to make himself feel better, which never works nor lasts.
They don’t change. They are the eternally spoiled brat.
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Stay strong. Well done for reaching out. I’ve not taken a single call since I left months ago. I know he’ll want to pull me back in.
You’re right, where was his concern for your broken heart? He’s only sorry you grew strength to get out. Well done for being so brave. Honestly I’m in awe of the women on here, either living in the abuse or those of us out. It takes so much strength to endure abs survive. Keep posting and educating yourself. You’ve come so far. Don’t let his words manipulate you. He hasn’t changed. Words are just that, meaningless. -
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It was really nice to read your post and well done for staying strong and realising you are worth much more.
Do you mind me asking if you have any children? I really want to get out of my relationship as he makes me feel so sad but we have a young daughter and I’m so scared on how things will be for her living in a broken home. I know he will also cause issues when it comes to splitting days and I really don’t want to put her through any stress or upset.x
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Hi Harriet123, and sorry for taking so long to reply to your message. I don’t have children, no. Although we were trying. In fact we were about to start IVF. I’m no expert and can’t pretend to know what it’s like to be a mother but all I can say is that I feel like a different person now I’m out. I’m calmer, happier and have rediscovered myself. Children pick up on these things and when it comes to abusive behaviour, things don’t get better, only worse.
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Hi BlueSkies and thank you for your post. This is the 3rd time I am reading it since xmas and everytime it gives me strength and hope. I am trying to make my ex leave ( we live in the same flat but different rooms), and now that he can see I am done with him he switched his attention to our son. By manipulating him he tries to hurt me and most of the time he succeeds.
I can’t wait when I’ll be free from this man. Your post makes me want to meet you and give you a huge hug 🙂
Stay strong, dont let him get to you. Xx-
StationEleven, thank you! What a lovely post to read! I am staying strong. 🙂 I really hope you are, too.
Some days are harder than others but reading posts on this forum always helps bring me back round. It can feel really selfish to say it, or feel it, but we do all deserve better! I still feel a bit funny saying it but it is true. Noone has the right to make you feel like $h*t! One of the biggest things I’ve tried to wrap my head around, is whether my ex knew what he was doing. I have spent many many months mourning the man I thought he was, and the life I thought we had, and the future I thought we were going to have. I’ve come to the conclusion that he did, and didn’t know what he was doing. Some things he knew very well would hurt me and were unacceptable, but other things I think were just second nature to him – his core personality traits. I’m over analysing again… (I have a tendency to do that!). You will feel much better when you are free of him. I hope you manage to get a plan, too. Lean on good friends! Good luck 🙂 xx
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This so the second time I’ve read your post, Blue Skies. And I’m glad I found it again – you have clarified and justified what I’ve just posted about!
When I’m done doubting myself, I hope I can say and do something similar for someone else 💗💗
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Thank you, MelonBalls! (Your screen name just made me giggle!) 🙂
I was having a huge vent the day I wrote that and I’m SO pleased that it’s been read by so many people and made a difference. It’s made my day! Thank you. The days when you doubt yourself are the worst. I still have them. I had a day like that the other day when I found my mind wandering and thining of all the good times and whether it was actually all that bad really, and what would life have been like if I’d stayed. Then I had a STERN word with myself, read my journal again, and forced myself to think about all the horrible times!! Don’t doubt yourself. Trust your gut. I was told (very early on in my journey, way before leaving) “If your best friend spoke to you like that, or did those things, would they still be your best friend?” The answer is NO! But somehow the commitment, the history, all of it, convinces us to give it another go. You can do this!!!! You know yourself!! 🙂 Good luck xx
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Sorry I know this post is a couple of months old now, but thanks so much.
I’m having a really hard time recently, even though I’ve been out for years. I found out my ex is having a child and it’s brought all my emotions back and I haven’t slept in weeks. Can’t help but think they have the perfect relationship and why he couldn’t have been like that with me.-
They won’t be having the perfect relationship. NO WAY. These men don’t change. My ex has abused other women before me. Would people have thought I had a perfect life with him? Most definitely.
It’s bound to hurt to hear of them and their lives. I’ve been having dreams about my ex with another woman. It’s not nice. Sooner or later it will happen for him. Stay focused on you ❤️ -
Thanks Hetty.
I know it sounds like the obvious but my minds a b*st*rd and I just imagine them having something wonderful. Even though his daughter (who I’m very close to) has already told me she has to tell her dad not to talk to his gf so horribly.
It may sound petty but I don’t want him to until I’m over what he did to me. All I want in the world is not to care anymore -
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Hi Meonscreen. I can 100% identify with your post and how you are feeling.
I still have days like that.
My relationship, from an outward perspective, was PERFECT! People used to comment about how good we were together. How I’d fallen on my feet. He was clever, funny, good looking, sociable, great cook, keen DIYer, great with money, great job, loved gardening, loved renovating our house, loved animals… the perfect guy. I adored him. No denying it. Absolutely adored him. But behind closed doors he was also cold, cruel, manipulative, condescending, belittling, called me names, shouted at me, ridiculed me, hurt me a couple of times. But when I think back, which memory of him is the most dominant? Yep – the first one! Not the second one. The good memories at the first to come back.
I often find myself wondering how I will react when he gets a new girlfriend/wife/starts a family. I know deep down he will not change. It’s very likely that same for your Ex. They know how to put on a great show. But we know who they are, really. Deep down. You did the right thing. Stay strong xxxxx
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This is such an inspiring post, I do wonder what it’ll be like after separation and to know some of the possible stages makes me feel less scared if that makes sense?
@hetty I too have been having dreams about my husband being with another woman and it made me feel sad, it made me feel if another woman can be with him then why can’t I?? I think I’ve always been scared that when I leave I’ll have all the regrets whilst he finds someone and makes a family. He thinks he’s the victim in all this and I think that’ll give him a lot of confidence to go do better in life as if I have done something bad to him xx-
He acts like the victim but he will know that he’s wronged you. If they were totally oblivious they’d not switch on the charm offensive. They’d be their true selves all of the time but they know it’s wrong so have to keep it hidden until they’ve got their claws into us in one way or another.
Most of these men have all the confidence in the world (to the outside world, truth is most are very weak individuals who get off on making others hurt) and no shame. Xx -
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Hi @Bubblegum, I feel the same as you, worried if when I leave I’ll feel like I’ve made a mistake and he’ll maybe end up happy with someone else. I know in reality anyone he ends up with will end up being abused eventually but the lovebombing was always so wonderful and I used to think how I was the luckiest person ever to be with someone who was so loving and affectionate. It’s hard facing rhat it’s just a mask he wears, even though I understand that’s how abuse works. It’s just hard applying it to your own situation sometimes I find xx
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Hi @gettingtired
Exactly, I think right now we choose to remember all the good stuff which doesn’t help at all.But like what was said above, some people don’t mind living like this so maybe they will find someone who will accept their abuse?? I just think we know it isn’t right and we have to get out.
Everyone keeps saying to me expect worse times than good times initially because they know it’s not going to be easy. I was meant to spend the rest of my life with him and now that’s all gone.
What hurts the most is when people who are close to you tell you that they feel sorry for your husband. Makes me feel like I’m doing something so bad. But they will never understand unless they have gone through it right??
Xx -
Yes, yes, yes. When people say the feel sorry for him I just immediately get a scrunched up “what?!?” look on my face because I was the one suffering for years! But, some people simple will not understand. They do not get it. Luckily for them (genuinely now, not sarcastically!) they probably have a happy life and healthy relationship and cannot imagine half the things you describe happening to them. Sometimes I feel sorry for my Ex. But mainly because he had so much potential when he was younger and he decided to screw it all up. I also happen to think I’m pretty fabulous and he lost me!! Poor guy 🙂
Okay, perhaps I’ve had one too many coffees today…..!I definitely had my share of bad days, but also good ones. From my comments above I think today is a good day. Haha! I hadn’t been married very long. I have a box of wedding stuff sitting in my house and I don’t know what to do with it. My wedding dress hanging in my wardrobe. So, whilst I can be jolly and funny and strong – I’m also usually only about 10 feet away from something painful that could cause a melt down. I’m not very old (moderator my remove but I’m (detail removed by Moderator)) and my life was supposed to just be getting started! Marriage, family, the works! Having to reset is very difficult. But, its 100% possible. I’m doing it now and I’m not doing too badly. I really admire all the women on this forum. reading these posts keeps me very strong. xxxx
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Totally understand these posts.
When they are perfect to the outside world and u thought they were to. The affection, compliments, and generally being there and helpful. Versus the days when he obviously decided not to be these things and pushed all the buttons to get a reaction. When I left and went no contact I had friends say u need to talk to him and explain its over etc. I stood firm and said he knows, I had already had that conversation even tho he told others he didn’t no why I left. Looking for sympathy as always.
I’m glad in a way my friends didn’t understand as it meant they had never been in this situation but at the same time very isolating cause they don’t, if that makes sense.
Iv thought of the, what happens when he moves on although I guess he will have already, even if not publicly as this would ruin his victim label. What if his new gf and life is better happier etc but I don’t think he’s capable. I know I couldn’t have been more than I was, I am a good person, and very capable, and I will find my strength again. Although some days are hard and I try not to think of the illusion that was the relationship, the hopes, the future we would never have.
We are better without them, regardless if at times we miss what was. Keep reminding yourself it wasn’t real. -
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