20th May 2019 at 3:16 am #78665
Cannot believe I am almost back to square one
Such a silly fool. I missed him , the old him , memories everywhere of happier times .. I wanted those good times back.. my brain has played cruel tricks on me , I was on the outside looking in on myself screaming to run , run away fast as I can , almost there….
… I was even prepared for the tactics … Of course , he needs help , mentally unwell , this time he is serious about gettin the help , oh and of course since I left him he is clean , losing me was his.wake up call
Yeah right! Of course it’s all the things I longed to hear and for just a few days I sort of believed it and lived in the fantasy
Now I have to go through the whole emotional roller coaster of getting away
.. again .
But at least I know now it will be possible… Got my legal advice , do have places to stay even though I hate sofa surfing and feel I don’t belong… I think that played a major part in my staying back at the house but look where it got me, lured straight back in
Just feel pretty c**p and low right now .. and just a fool
20th May 2019 at 3:27 am #78666
He’s not even being abusive he is being nice. Seen a bit of his old self. Just that he is stil lying and found evidence of his continued drug use which then leads to the mood swings and money issues. I can’t do it anymore.
20th May 2019 at 7:47 am #78669DorisParticipant
You had the strength to leave once and you will again. It’s not your fault that you gave him another try – I am continually doing it. You are a kind, compassionate and forgiving person and that is the reason why he wants to dominate you. Sadly it appears that he has not changed his behaviour and attitude and from what I have learned in the last six months he is unlikely to. Drugs and money issues, although worrying and negative, are not the reasons for his mood swings but are the excuses. Even if he was totally clean and you won the lottery his attitude and behaviour towards you would not change because he likes the power dynamics in your relationship that way.
Sorry if I sound pretty negative.
You are not a fool – positive affirmations are needed. I am just discovering that actually I am kind and generous of spirit and you are too. We are told too often that it is arrogant to have a positive view of ourselves such as ‘I am a compassionate person and I deserve more than this’. You really are worth more.
Take care. X*X
20th May 2019 at 9:54 am #78675fizzylemParticipant
Well, it sounds to me like you have learnt a lot! You can see how your mind got lost in the fantasy and how your emotions, the pain of the loss, made it tough to stay away. This is progress and info you can use and take away.
You are going to miss him. This is what happens, the trick is to ride it out. When you start to miss him and before you do anything, remind yourself ‘no, I’ve decided, I’m not going back. I am done and I am sticking with this as I know this is what is right for me’.
I think part of the greiving process afterwards is letting go the relationship we always hoped it would be; because we see that in reality this is what we were chasing and it simply wasn’t there x
20th May 2019 at 10:54 pm #78722
Thank you for your replies ladies and for seeing the positives.. yes I left once and actually , I haven’t really returned but just started to get a bit reeled in by him but deep down I knew really it’s still going to be over soon and really I think he knows it too and he is keeping his distance again . I am all too aware that for now it’s calm again, but sometime.soon he will create a drama to get all stressed at me about.
20th May 2019 at 11:16 pm #78727PeacethroughhealingParticipant
It’s so easy to get sucked back in but with each time that I am I am a little bit further removed from him if that makes sense. I am more and more aware although just not there enough to have absolutely no contact although I have been feeling so much better having not spoken to him for a few days now. I have been eating, sleeping better and know where I stand with me. Not all these ups and downs and mood swings and not knowing what is going to set him off.
6th August 2019 at 2:53 am #85125
Its been just over two months and so sad / in disbelief to be still be going through the same c**p as this time last year. His moods have been much better and he has taken responsibility for his debts but there are now further dEbts to drug dealers
.. so of course he’s very upset , broke down , frightened of what they will do … Causes me anxiety too …they know where we live … But I do not have the means to lend him any money so he really is at rock bottom. And me borrowing more money to bail him out will just see the addiction continue anyway
Just fed up being out through scary times again … He is seeking help mentally but it’s taking so long for the referral to come through …
Sorry this is just my ramblings really , my head is so messed up … I just needed to stay away but he made it so hard and I felt like I need someone by my side 24/7 to help me leave and get through it but there’s no one who can do that z , my family don’t seem to get just how much he has put me through (I’ve not dare tell them about the drug issues ) .
It’s all just such a mess and I’m back to feeling quite low.
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