24th October 2016 at 9:27 pm #30707
At least I think it was a breakdown…I felt like I broke.
I suffer post traumatic stress as a result of the things I went through with my perp, alongside that I also suffer depression and anxiety. The PTSD has been especially bad – the intrusive thoughts, I couldn’t sleep at all and when I did I had horrific nightmares, the flashbacks and nightmares were so real I could see, smell, hear everything like I was back in that place, like I’d been transported through time? I could feel all the physical pains in my body like the attacks and assaults had just that moment happened. I went very catatonic. Just felt like I was in a bubble, all of my own, I couldn’t feel anything, I didn’t care about anything, time sort of went without me? Like I had no concept of time, or what day it was or anything else?
Ended up down the doctors after a week of next to no sleep. They’ve put me on medication for the ptsd. It does nothing except helps me sleep. So at least that’s better. All my symptoms are still very very present…I can just sleep after a nightmare. I’m having to go into the surgery every few days to collect my medication because I can’t and won’t have more than 5 tablets in my house at any one time…I have no plans, but I’ve overdosed before and I know it’s too easy?
I’ve been referred for therapy…which I can’t start until after the trial has concluded. Something about it negatively impacting my evidence and the defense could say I was being coached. It’s just getting closer and closer. It’s no time at all until Christmas, and then it’s here. A stones throw away. Sometimes I really wonder if I’m even going to make it to the trial.
Very very recently (since all this happened with my mental health) someone broke into my house…they moved a few objects very deliberately and opened a window. As some of much older posters you may remember, that was what my perp used to do all the time before I fled to refuge…he’d break in and just move things, open doors or windows etc. And I’d come home and things would be different, moved, changed, back then I used to think I was losing my mind. Now I’m more convinced than not that he’s sending me a message. That he knows where I am. And he can still get to me.
Of course, if it was him then the only person who could’ve or would’ve told him would be the most recent abuser/boyfriend who I posted about a few weeks back…I’ve had no contact with him at all since then. And then this happens. Police have been out…they even dusted for prints. No prints. No forensic evidence. No proof as usual. They’ve recommended I get the locks changed. Have had to put my door alarm back on too.
There’s a part of me that doesn’t think I can really live like this again? I have considered moving again…my best friend thinks it’s time I stopped running. I’ve spent so much of my time running from him…and he’s always found me. Every single time. My fight or flight kicks in and I run…but maybe she is right? I don’t really know.
I apologise for the essay…I think I’ve just got so much in my head right now, it needed to come out? And so here it all is…congratulations if you made it to the end…you deserve a brew and some choccy biscuits for sure! x
24th October 2016 at 9:36 pm #30709HealthyarchiveBlocked
Dear LBP, it must be causing you a lot of stress and anguish with a trial hanging over your head. Its just so stressful, I don’t think you can underestimate the effect of stress. Sometimes you cant put your finger on it or put a label on it, just that you feel terrible, out of sorts and not right. I think once this trial is over you will have a sense of freedom, clearing of your thoughts and more focus on the future. What us women have been through with the crazy unhinged narcissists is devastating to our psychological health. It takes time, patience and self care to start to feel better, it takes time and acceptance about what is happening to you that moment. I split some months ago and I feel still affected by it and think of him still, every day. But I am confident of my future and you will be too. X*X
24th October 2016 at 9:43 pm #30711godschildParticipant
Sorry to hear you have gone thro so much,it will get better the trial will affect you,it has to , keep your chin up xxxx
24th October 2016 at 9:53 pm #30714Confused123Participant
Just sending u hug of support, hope u feelign bit better, post as much as u need to as long as u need to
25th October 2016 at 10:29 am #30730
Thank you for the support ladies…think I just needed to get it all out of my head last night.
I can’t make sense of alot right now, and can’t decide if I want to move again or not. If he went to prison I wouldn’t move. So maybe I should just stop running?
25th October 2016 at 11:14 am #30735KIP.Participant
Hi there. My advice would be to go and get treatment and councelling now. I don’t know who told you not to get the help you need before the trial but they don’t have your best interests at heart. I had councelling and therapy before my trial and it helped enormously. Let the defence say what they like. He abused you so much that you needed specialist therapy. That makes him look worse. You have to put yourself first. My experience of the justice system is that they don’t care about anything except a conviction. Then you are dropped like a hot potato and left to get on with it after being re traumatised. Please get the mental help now. Especially if it’s available. My ex was convicted and the defence didn’t mention any therapy I’d had. It would have made him look guilty as sin. As for moving again. I’m staying put. I’m standing my ground and facing my fears. If these men are determined to find us then they will. Once he knows you’re not scared anymore and not running he might get the message. (I know we’re always scared at the back of our minds but we can manage that fear). My PTSD almost vanished as soon as I took back control. I started divorcing him. I told the police what he did. I got a good solicitor and too k control back of my life. Go get the help you need. It’s a positive step X
25th October 2016 at 11:24 am #30737KIP.Participant
I forgot to say my court date was put off time after time so don’t set your recovery process by the justice system ❤️
25th October 2016 at 5:53 pm #30755
I’ve had therapy for the trauma etc but the ptsd has resurfaced with the trial…I had to give permission to have my counselling notes released as evidence. The counselling services won’t take me on now he’s awaiting trial because the defense could try to say I’m being coached or something, it’s the general policy for counselling services in my area.
25th October 2016 at 7:49 pm #30757Twisted SisterParticipant
Hi LBP. Heart goes out to you having to face court andno wonder you are feeling this way!
Have you spoken to Rights for Women about any poyentially prejudicibg fromreceiving counselling? Although, to be fair counsellor are not trained to ‘coach’ you through a court case but its vital youhave supoort in place . Not to search into issues but for you to have tools tosupport your well-being tocope. I know that I was refused help around court because you cant work on recoveribg from ptsd whilst not feeling safe.
Have you asked for all the protections you need to feelsafe as possible during court? Have you someone going with yoibfor aupport and reported these current issues (although having justgiven up on the police reporting incidents myself not really very confident abouy that!).
Take lots of care of you and your LO and do what you needto do to make sure you are safe physically and mentally .
Sending ((hugs))) and hope to you xxKSxx
25th October 2016 at 9:27 pm #30763
Thank you Karma.
I’ll have support for going to court…I have the support of my gp and the community mental health team just now. Until after the trial all they can do is try to manage my symptoms until it’s all over. I understand why they won’t take me on pre-trial. Still reporting to the police, for what good that’ll do.
Hope you’re alright Karma. x*x
26th October 2016 at 8:54 am #30781SaharaDParticipant
Sorry to hear that you haven’t been well and that you have to wait to get counselling and therapy after the trial.
How did they get in? No point changing the locks if they could not have gotten a key. adding another lock might be helpful. I live in a housing association low rise block and to change the locks I’d have to change the door at about £1000! Not happening. It’s one of those doors where the bolts shoot out the top bottom and side when you turn the lock. It’s pretty solid sometimes I have a hard time pushing and pulling it open when I am carrying a lot of things. Also there are two other entry doors to get in with special fob keys. Window locks are good and easy and cheap to install. If you can try to see if you can get one of those cheap hidden cameras and only turn it on when you go out. yeah keep the door alarm on all of the time even if you are at home. That way you have a bit of warning if someone tries to get in while you are there.
Maybe you can read some self help books and practice some coping strategies to deal with the PTSD symptoms. Also best to steer clear of any more relationships with men until after the trial and until after you have had counselling and therapy. You need to focus more on your strength for the trial, your recovery and looking after your son.
Just take it one day at time and don’t be in a hurry.
26th October 2016 at 9:14 am #30782
Hi Sahara – hope you are well.
I can change the barrell in the middle of the lock, so just the bit were the key goes in, just to get new keys. I don’t think it’d make alot of difference because as you say, they probably didn’t have keys anyway. But if anything else does happen, the police will ask if I changed locks as advised, the barell will only cost about £20 and I can swap them myself so it’s easier just to do that. There are some tool/scratch marks around the lock part of my door, but I can’t hand on heart say they weren’t there before the break in, because to be perfectly honest I’d never even looked before?
I’ve got a lot of bolts on the door so when I’m inside I’m safe, no one can get through that door once it’s all locked and bolted…it’s just when I go out because all I can do is put the alarm on and lock the door from the outside – which I didn’t do on the day in question. I’d just pulled the door shut, which does lock it, but you have to pull the handle up and turn the key to properly lock it, if that makes sense? It’s one of those uPVC doors?
That is such a lot of money to do that! Do you feel safe where you are?
Oh I agree, no more men. I’ve not heard from the last one at all, and didn’t contact him when I thought someone’d been in the flat where I normally would’ve done. x
26th October 2016 at 1:13 pm #30797VelveteenbunParticipant
Sending hugs. I can’t imagine what you must have been through. If he has broken in to your falt just to scare you he needs, well I can’t say on here what needs to happen to him on here but can imagine.
What a horrible horrible man I really hope you get to your trial soon and he gets his just desserts. These men are evil I honestly think they will go to any length if they feel they can get away with it.
Stay strong you are much much stronger than him. He is just a coward and an insecure bully.
26th October 2016 at 1:22 pm #30799SaharaDParticipant
Yes LBP, I know those doors. I feel safe enough in my flat. So safe I don’t like going out. Lol! I hope you feel better and can find some peace of mind with this latest intrusion.
29th October 2016 at 2:13 am #31032one day at a timeParticipant
Just wanted to send you a big hug of support. You’ve been through so much and shown such courage. Take a day at a time and be kind to yourself. You can and will get through this and brighter days are on the other side. Take care xoxo
29th October 2016 at 12:42 pm #31053AyannaParticipant
That is horrible. I think you are right wanting to move. You need a property in a gated community that is not ground floor. Otherwise the council must help you to secure your current property.
Get support for coping mechanisms until the trial is over.
PTSD cannot be treated with medication. I find this so unfair that women cannot have counselling until the court is finished. That is so cruel. I was told the same and in the end I never got any counselling.
30th October 2016 at 5:21 pm #31115
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I’m feeling a little bit better, on a broader scale. Had a nightmare last night, woke up in so much pain – I don’t even remember what the dream was about, but the pain of it woke me up 🙁 So I have a fair idea that it was repeating the rapes again. At least I’m managing to sleep between nightmares and things. That’s good.
30th October 2016 at 5:29 pm #31116
Oh, and turns out I can’t change the barrel in my lock either as the holding screw is shredded and I can’t get it out…so the locks remain the same.
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