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I had a relative and his joiner friend round to quote for some work and in the past I would have not made eye contact, shown them round quickly and got them out asap. How different I am now. I felt comfortable, made eye contact, cracked a couple of jokes, we all had a laugh in the garden. I didn’t feel scared of retribution or guilt. I can feel my old self returning. In the past my ex would wait for them to leave then humiliate me on my behaviour. Even though I did nothing wrong. Just pick on things I’d said or done, or not done. There is nothing wrong with ME or MY behaviour. What a pathetic insecure loser he really was. Onwards and upwards…….
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It’s a weird but great feeling when you realise you’ve been completely natural with someone (esp of the opposite sex) and not felt worried about the consequences.
I’ve had a couple of instances like that then after thought to myself, should I have spoken to that person? Then realised it’s normal to interact with people.
It feels like an achievement bizarrely but all good and a sure sign you’re moving on 😀
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Yes, a social embarrassment. It was actually him that was the social embarrassment. Looking back now he had poor social skills. Would head straight for the bar at family occasions and try to entice anyone that would stay there with him by buying drink all night. I was just glad to be rid of him for the evening but he really was a prat.
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That’s great Kip. Mine was just the same with the analysis and criticism making me too anxious to speak to anyone. I too am almost cured of this one. I love that I can talk to anyone now, make eye contact and be friendly. I must confess I don’t tend to bother so much with men but I’m not sure if this is down to residual fear or choice!
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Your post has made me chuckle and cheered me up today Kip, thank you. My abusive ex also used to be annoyed at me for being more sociable than him even though I suffer at times from social anxiety. They find fault in everything and anything don’t they. That’s great you felt comfortable and had a laugh with them x
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Isn’t it interesting how these seemingly little exchanges are so significant to us as survivors. I had a similar experience yesterday in meeting the husband of a friend of mine and just seeing how lovely he was to her and how thoughtful and gentle and positive. I find it so uplifting to meet lovely people and it makes me realise how much I missed out by being with a miserable self centred high maintenance so and so.
How lovely to see your old self returning KIP. I bet she’s always been there in you, desperate to see the light of day.
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Yes Lightness, she would try to come out from time to time but the consequences were just too much, so she hid herself away, not to draw attention to herself. My therapist likens recovery to a toddler trying to walk. Yes she may stumble and fall but she gets back up. With my abuser, he was always waiting to push me back down. Just when I was getting good at walking. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Onwards and upwards x I have all day to myself. To do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I’m still in bed which wouldn’t have happened. I’d be up early so he couldn’t come into my room and sexually assault me, or call me lazy etc. What a way to live x
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