I hate I’m missing him.

[Helphelphelp]

I hate that I wake up every morning missing him so badly, I know everything I need to know but I still feel hysterical in the mornings, and like I need to reach out to him to make me feel better. He doesn’t care about me it’s obvious, but I’m so tired that he is on my mind 24/7. I know it’s gonna take time but I’m sick of how I feel. I bet friends are sick of it too, if I’m annoying myself I must be getting on their nerves too.
Can anyone feel my poem.?
Missing him
I know that it’s done with, there’s no turning back.
But still every morning as my brain switches on, as my tummy turns over when I realise his gone.
Guts churning, sweaty palms, as I pick up my phone, nope, not one message, I’m still here all alone.
I just lay there wondering, if I’m in his thoughts, then angry I care, him?? with all of his faults.
Annoyed I’m awake and it all starts again, over thinking, feel anxious, my heart filled with pain.
So Sick of the convs I have with myself, you know he’s not worth it, you need to move on, forget that you need him, come on girl your strong.
Then answering back, the mad one he’d said you are. It’s obviously not going, this feeling, this emotional scar.
You know your not coping, who you trying to fool,
if U dropped your guard now, you crumble and fall,
you know you’d be found in an emotional heap. From the crying the worry and months of no sleep.
Can’t tell others you love him, their faces confused, ay ?? you still love him??? The one that abused???
She says,
You know, all that you need, is a film, a few glasses glass of wine, a good nights sleep, and then your be fine.
But she has no idea, of what falling asleep really means,
A whole night of fidgeting or unpleasant dreams.
Or maybe if your lucky a whole night of rest,
knowing To you, all the morning brings is another day another test.

[Escapee]

Hi there,

I can relate to your poem like it was yesterday that I left.

It does get easier but it is an act of sheer willpower. I have no idea if this is healthy in the long run but to stop my brain starting the minute I woke up I’d sing songs in my head. Nearly a year on now and guess what…..my head wakes up singing! But rather that than churning everything over.

I still get times when I miss him; I’m having one of those days to today. There doesn’t seem to be a reason why it happens, it just does and you have to push on through, go do something to distract yourself.

Keep holding your head up high and know you’re doing this because you had to. xx

[Helphelphelp]

Hello Escapee
Thank you for reading my post, I’m glad you got my poem, I’m going to try the singing in the morning, I’ll try anything if I’m honest, I’d much prefer to wake up singing than what I’m waking up to at the moment.
Hope your ok and thank you xx

[Love18]

Hi there , you took the words right out of my mouth , I had (detail removed by Moderator) years and lost my mental and physical health and now find independence hard .

[Love18]

There is a psychological term called Stockholm syndrome where the brain has attached its self to the abuser

[Anonymous]

What a beautiful poem Helphelphelp. I agree with the last part of the poem. Surround yourself with people that love you, for you. Have a wine or too and watch a nice film- you might find you’ll sleep alot better for it. It will be hard for a while, but eventually you will feel like the old you again and you’ll become a much stronger person for it. Sending hugs xx

[Helphelphelp]

Hello Turtledove
Thank you for liking my poem, I must try to mix with people, I’m kind of hiding myself away as much as possible due to my miserable face and lack of happiness, I don’t want to make others miserable.
But I’m going to make the effort and try putting my face on and try to be more positive, sounds bad having to try and feel happy. And feels like a lie but I must try to. I so hope I feel more happy and myself soon as I’m really struggling to feel anything but sadness. You women do help and it’s lovely all the real care there is on here. Seems a shame us women have to go through such pain to see how supportive we all can be to eachother. Thank you for the reply thankful for it xx

[Anonymous]

Bless you. It’s normal to feel like this, we’ve all been there and understand what you’re going through. When you feel ready you should try and arrange meeting friends /family etc. This will help you lots. Try and surround yourself with the happy, funky positive people in your life and in no time you’ll see the change in you. You’ll slowly start to feel like your old self again. And you’re right, it is a shame so many of us get teared so bad, but we are women and we are stronger than we think! Keep us posted of you’re feeling. Take care hun x*x

[Helphelphelp]

Hey Turtledove
Well I felt rubbish today, which is a shame as I read a book all last night from 8 until 5.30am I felt strong and felt as if something clicked, like I’d worked it out. Then I got a message on an app I never use, it was from my ex, I haven’t messaged back but half of me wants to go mad at him and the other feels so upset. It’s like I know he is just playing games but then I’m asking myself is he? Wish So sick of this, it’s having a bad affect on my mental heath, I May do another poem I think tonight or should I say this morning.
If I do I will share it when I can. Love to you xx

[Bingowashisname0]

Hi,
I’ve just read your post and I’m so grateful for it.
This is my first time writing on this site. My split is just (detail removed by moderator). I’m in pain beyond anything I’ve ever experienced and I’m furious with myself for feeling like this. I miss him so much! But I have to keep reminding myself whenever I want to message those thoughts to him, of all the bad times and hurt. I have to remind myself I can’t go on being a victim. I see your words and know I’m not alone craving those few scraps of false happiness I’d get after we’d ‘make up’… and I look at my beautiful children and adjust my mindset to ‘they deserve a happy mom’. I guess it’s not unusual for the person on the receiving end to miss their abuser… after all, they were good at what they did. Don’t give in, (I’m saying this to me as much as you)… you’re worth so much more than what you’ve had to put up with. Surround yourself in positive people who love you for you and keep writing things down when you feel the urge to go back. You wouldn’t have left if it wasn’t the right thing to do. Love yourself. But also cut yourself some slack. I completely understand the yearning you’re having. But you’ve got this… you are worthy of a better life. Xx

 

[Helphelphelp]

Hello Bingowashisname0
Perhaps we should message eachother what it is we want to say to them instead? Get it out of our system, he messaged this morning, I usually message back straight away as the needy pathetic person I feel, but it’s now 13 hours later and I haven’t, sure he just wants to get me going again.
I’m to tired exhausted miserable to give him anymore of my soul, he did it a free weeks ago and I messaged back, then he didn’t reply for two weeks. (detail removed by Moderator).
Anyway ….. deep breaths..,, if you want a chat let me know, much love xx

[Dilly]

Helphelphelp – You are being very strong, don’t give up! Love18 mentioned Stockholm Syndrome. It sounds like you are experiencing this. Another name for it is Trauma bonds. Your brain has undergone extreme ups and downs during the abuse cycle with this person. In the abuse cycle you will be Idealised, then Devalued, then Discarded. Sounds like you are in the Discarded part of the cycle. He is ignoring you and the biochemical action in your brain is craving the idealisation part of the cycle. You are having withdrawal symptoms. Sounds crazy, but most of us in abusive relationships will probably have experienced this at some point. Search Trauma Bonds and Abuse Cycle. There is lots online about this.
(Also a great book which explains trauma bonds very well:’The Betrayal Bond’ by Patrick J. Carnes).
If you find yourself messaging him or being in touch with him in any way, it’s helpful to think of yourself as having ‘fallen off the wagon’ and resist judging yourself. Relapse is inevitable in addiction. Dust yourself down and go no contact again because recovery really is possible. The longer you can go ‘cold turkey’ the sooner your brain will begin to re-regulate itself again. You can do this!

[Helphelphelp]

Hey Dilly, thanks for your reply, that’s exactly it, it’s been much worse this week so I’ve decided to take some meds to get my head straight, my anxiety is through the roof so fingers crossed this will help me. I can only explain my feelings as deep distress crying most of the day and nervous. Thanks so much for your message x

[Author]

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