27th May 2020 at 12:49 am #104432
I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. I just don’t understand why I am too weak to make this change in my life. I am so unhappy and I hate the way he treats me, but still here I am. It is definitely the FOG – fear, obligation, guilt – mainly all three at once. When he sneers at me and puts me down, makes me feel unreasonable and useless, the only way out that I can take to stop him making me feel like this is to comply.
When I’m on my own, like now, and can think clearly, I make all sorts of resolutions. What I’ll say, when I’ll say it, and how. But when it comes to it, I can try, but I also have to deal with his response, which is always to induce the FOG. I just don’t know how to get over this.
At times, I also feel a deep hatred, but most often, he is able to drown me in FOG before that hatred is able to come to the fore. The hatred will, eventually, be my ally and my fuel and will allow me to do what I have to do.
I despise myself for seeing, knowing, understanding what’s going on, and yet STILL letting it happen.
27th May 2020 at 1:51 am #104434
I wonder if that is the “Guilt” that the G of FOG is referring to. That’s not the sort of guilt I feel. The guilt I feel is guilt that I’m not good enough. When he makes me feel that I have been unreasonable or unfair, I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty for having had the nerve to think I can stand up to him. For being all the things he says I am.
27th May 2020 at 1:16 pm #104448Wants To HelpParticipant
Neither of you are weak ladies, now that you are aware of the situation you are in you are getting stronger and stronger each day. You are in the ‘Realisation’ stage of your journey and you are preparing for ‘Flight.’ This means you are weighing up your decisions, choosing your options, monitoring your safety and slowly establishing the right time to leave. The right time will be in your own time, and one day it may be quicker than you expected.
The men that we loved slowly and sneakily turned us in to women that doubt ourselves, lose confidence in ourselves and made us fearful of them, even though at times we didn’t know we were fearful of them. If we could ‘choose’ to leave, we would. But the fear of leaving is buried somewhere within us that we know if we did leave there would be consequences to it. Sometimes, we may not be able to put that in to words, but we just know. He’s told us that we’ll regret it if we go with a veiled threat hidden somewhere in the tone of the voice that he said it. He’s told us that we’ll never see the kids because he’ll get full custody due to the basis we’re on anti depressants and therefore, not fit to have the kids alone, he’s told us that he’ll take us for every penny we’ve got and leave us financially destitute, he’s told us he’ll send those sex videos or topless photos to our boss and humiliate us at work so we’ll be too embarrassed to show our faces there again and have to resign. Sometimes, the threats are more real, he actually tells us that he’ll hunt down and beat up any man that we go on to meet, or he’ll start visiting our parents and do things to their house or car, or tell them things we’d never want them to know but what we told him in confidence because we loved and trusted him. He has demonstrated too many times how much he holds this power over us to destroy us should we ever choose to leave him. But the real power is when he tells us he will actually kill us if we leave him, and he has demonstrated he is capable of this many times during the relationship with the violence he has used.
So no lady is weak for staying. Under this pressure and threat, staying is sometimes survival. It is better to be beaten and verbally abused than to be killed. It is better to be beaten and humiliated than lose your children. It is better to be beaten and sexually abused than have your parents harmed. It is better to live miserably but still have a job to go to.
Do not add any further pressure to yourself by berating yourself for staying. Continue to research and educate yourself to seek the help to leave him.
15th June 2020 at 12:02 pm #106414
I was just going to start a thread with a similar title, and I realised there already was one – that belonged to me!! So I clearly have got nowhere. Gone nowhere. Still hate myself.
He was on the phone this morning being unpleasant, bullying, and I found myself, as I always do, just dishing up excuse after excuse for everything that he got at me for. And actually I hate him and just want him to shut up.
I don’t want to be with him any more. But he will make leaving so difficult and be so vile to me that I think I’d just go under.
I can’t stand the way he speaks to me.
15th June 2020 at 7:48 pm #106451iliketeaParticipant
@Lottieblue, I’ve done that a few times, its like living on a gerbil wheel isn’t it, same old ****, round and round. Please don’t hate yourself, its not you, its him. This is abuse. If you want to leave is it worth exploring your options and then at least you’ll be armed with the knowledge…Do you want to grow old with him. Do you want to change his nappies when he becomes incontinent. Or worse, have to deal with him when he gets dementia? Imagine having to do all those things with someone who has abused you, and who you don’t like?
Have you spoken to your GP or local domestic abuse service? It might be worth a call. Or the helpline?
Sending you strength. You can do it. It will be so worth it. xx
15th June 2020 at 9:30 pm #106459
Thank you. I do want to leave him. I know that the way he treats me is abuse. I am clear on that. And yet I allow it to continue. I don’t feel ready to leave. I’m not sure but I think there is something in me that thinks I can turn things round. Make him respect me. Make him nice. I know I can’t, deep down. But I think I’m waiting for something really big to make me c***k. And in the meantime I simper along. A pathetic wimp who can’t stand up for herself and who allows herself to be walked over.
The problem is that sometimes he’s nice. Yes I know it’s the cycle of abuse. But it’s not really a cycle for me. It’s on off on off and there is never, ever apology or recognition of what he does. I just have to roll with it. The eggshells thing. Good? Bad? Do I smile or do I wince?
I know it probably sounds silly but I really wish he would do something to make me see red. Just to give me that Incredible Hulk moment where I say NO MORE!!!
But in the meantime I just sit on the loo and cry and allow him to think that the way he treats me is acceptable.
20th June 2020 at 6:56 pm #106970SallysallyParticipant
I am in the same mess right now
Living with a partner who got angry about how I cook vegetables & puts his hands round my throat & squeezes
Since then has grabbed my arm so hard it has been covered in bruises.
I feel deeply ashamed & unable to tell my daughter as I have already left her abusive dad
Then he tells me I am mentally disturbed?
He has persuaded me to move (detail removed by Moderator) miles away from my daughter & sign a joint tenency. I am too scared of him to say no? Every time I say I dont want to he gets angry? He also knows where my daughter lives
I hope one day I will be strong enough to leave
I just feel too exhausted to fight him and go
20th June 2020 at 10:05 pm #106993Wants To HelpParticipant
SallySally, please do not move away with him, this is part of the controlling behaviour of isolation. The further away he can get you from your support network the more he can up the abuse. Have you already signed the agreement? If you have done this through fear it is again part of coercive and controlling behaviour.
Strangling you is a huge red flag, this is a very dangerous sign. He is clearly a physically violent man to you. You are not mentally ill Sally, you are suffering trauma due to this abuse. The exhaustion he is inducing is done to wear you down so that you are too tired to put up a fight.
You have nothing, nothing, to be ashamed of. The shame is on him, totally. This man is a physically abusive bully. Please seek professional intervention to help you get this man out of your life. The fact that you also fear for your daughter shouts out to us how dangerous he is.
Do you still have the bruises visible on your arms? You can show these to the Police and they will arrest him for assault. If you make one phone call to the Police they can take control of the situation for now and this will give you some breathing space. Your daughter will not want to see you suffering, do not suffer for her sake. No woman wants to see another woman suffering at the hands of an abuser, trust me on that one.
Reach out for more help Sally, you cannot escape a man like this without it.
20th June 2020 at 10:45 pm #107000Soulsearcher18Participant
Lottieblue, Sallysally, StayorLeave
Please can I ask you- are you accessing any other support, other than us in forum?
If you see this, can you please let us know when you can. I am just keen to know where you are at with everything.
Being on here is so brave and smart, you are part of this community already. You know that you are not alone. We will be here every step. To get out though, you are likely going to need more support than forum- if you have signed up on here and managed to type, trust me that you can take this next step if you haven’t already. I know it is so hard but we are right there with you, you have already voiced it to us. You can even read what you have written to us if that is easier than trying to find the words again.
If you haven’t accessed professional support. I’m going to put a link below to the other support on this website. Click on the link and either go to the email and perhaps copy and paste from some of your posts to a women’s aid adviser, or if you can do so safely- use the webchat during the week. There’s are also phone line’s at the bottom of the webpage if you prefer this.
If you want to try to access some support more locally, below is the weblink on this site which will help you to do that. If this is all too much then consider booking in with a GP and ask them to refer you in. You don’t even have to speak about it to them. You could literally write the words down whilst waiting for the appointment and hand it to them (just take care to make sure that you get rid of it afterwards, or ask them to so that he does not find it).
I hope I am not being too direct. I just thought that sometimes we are so confused whilst in it that is is incredibly difficult to function properly. Sometimes it helps if someone just sets out the steps for us. Click on this. Do this. I suppose that could be because we are so used to being told what to do. I am not trying to tell you what to do here, ultimately it is your choice to take further steps and there is no pressure but I am willing you all on to do so if you haven’t already.
Please keep in touch when you can all of you, let us know how you are getting on.
21st June 2020 at 5:25 pm #107096
Thank you Soulsearcher. I was getting support before lockdown but I get no privacy now as there is always someone around and obviously
My local WA is not open.
I know that’s what I need to build my strength up. It’s so good when someone like you comes on and tells it like it is. It sets things out and provides renewed clarity. I shall make more of an effort to find time and space to myself and get the boost I know these services can give me.
Thank you x
22nd June 2020 at 4:07 pm #107243purplebutterflyParticipant
Thank you for all posting, it has really helped me to realise I am not alone.
I’ve been in an abusive / toxic relationship for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years. I find when things get really bad, that I am able to challenge but not necessarily stand up for myself. I then find things are fine for a few months, and then the cycle begins again.
The last 2 years, maybe a little longer, people have started speaking up about how he talks to me, how he bullies me, how selfish he is, how inconsiderate he is etc (they don’t realise the half of it). I’ve been unhappy for a lot longer than 2 years, but unable to do anything about it.
I used to work away a couple of days a week, which really helped me escape the constant criticism. I changed jobs (detail removed by Moderator) and I no longer travel. I now work from home (detail removed by Moderator) days a week, which is exactly what I wanted as have a son. It means though I have no escape.
I’ve grown in confidence, or feel as though I have and have shut myself off from him. I tread on egg shells constantly, therefore watch what I say all of the time. If he has a go, I say nothing and just ignore him. His insults still hurt.
At the moment, he is also watching what he says (lets the occasional insult slip, especially when had a drink). However, I don’t feel I can / want to let my guard down. I feel this is like a cycle, he’s nice for a while and when I give in he turns back to a bully.
So, why can’t i say “I don’t want to do this any longer, I want us to go our separate ways”. Because I am scared, but I don’t know why. I am not scared of being on my own, actually looking forward to it. I am not scared financially, I can manage.
I am not sure why I should feel scared / guilty, it makes me question everything. Every time he has a go at me, I started to write it down for me to read later to understand. I didn’t understand though, ie why he said what he said.
Advice / help really appreciated. Thanks for reading.
22nd June 2020 at 4:23 pm #107246iliketeaParticipant
Hi welcome to the forum. I’m going to bump a post about leaving, where some women have written what’s stopping them. Later tonight I’ll add to it as I had some thought on this today after listening to something. Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book? Why does he do that? Have a look at the book list and see if there’s anything there. Xx
22nd June 2020 at 4:50 pm #107257
The Lundy Bancroft book is my bible. I go back to it again and again, particularly when I am looking for strength.
Your thread on why people don’t leave I generally people giving their reasons. My problem is that I don’t know. I think I am waiting for fire. I think I am anticipating that if I try to leave, he will do or say something to take the wind out of my sails. So I am waiting, not for a little flame that might be extinguished with a puff, but for a furnace with so much heat that it just melts any resistance. I am afraid that I’m not strong enough to do it properly, to do it right, to ride through his reaction.
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