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    • #25581

      I have had an OK day nothing has happened. Yet tonight I have sat and for no reason had the biggest anxiety attack,my chest felt so tight and still not right now. There was no reason for it nothing happened no trigger it just happened from nowhere.

      What’s worse is now I’m sat thinking. Thinking of all the things he put me through, all he did to me. And I want to cry. I want to sob scream and shout that it wasn’t ok it wasn’t right. It wasn’t ok to hit me it wasn’t ok to strangle me it wasn’t ok to rape me, it wasn’t ok to force me to take him up the assessment when he knew it hurt knew I didn’t want to didn’t like it, i think wasn’t ok to use objects on me,it wasn’t ok to tie me so I couldn’t stop him. But I can’t it’s just silent tears. Thoughts that I let him I didn’t stop him I didn’t leave sooner,I made him angry,what if I deserved it. But all stupid why do I blame myself when anyone else I would be saying the opposite to?

      Sometimes I just think it’s to hard too much,what if I can’t do this. What if I can’t get over what he has done to me. I can’t live with thease thoughts for ever.

      I’m so sorry 😢😭😭😭😭

    • #25584

      Please don’t be sorry, I too live every day with thoughts like yours, they consume me all day and all night when I can’t sleep.
      At the refuge I would wake up all of a sudden and feel like you do, or I would have a panic attack in my sleep which would wake me up, it came out of nowhere without warning.
      It hurts a lot, I know, it hurts me too to think of all the things my husband did and does to me, but don’t feel sorry.
      Let it all out and write, write and write some more. Try to find a method which might alleviate the pain, whether it be distraction or calling a really good friend, we will be going over and over what happened to us for many years to come, I fear this too, the long moments to think it all over again and again, but it is a natural process.
      Don’t be too hard on yourself and remind yourself you are the good person he is not and never will be. You are good and fine and beautiful despite anything he did to you.

    • #25587

      don’t be sorry none of what he did to you was right ,you didn’t deserve it none of us do ,I’ve been out a long time but still get tormented by thoughts of what he mine did no where near as bad a you so sending you
      a big hug ,keep ya chin up .as we all must xxxxx

    • #25595

      Thank you ladies. I got a little sleep I had a few nightmares. I guess today is a new day,I just feel so low.

    • #25596

      Hi there, I just read your post from last night. I’ve been where you are and I promise it does get better, given time and help you will get through this. Recovery is a real roller coaster. I had panic attacks whilst still with my abuser, out of nowhere, no reasoning, no explanation as at the time I wasn’t even aware I was being abused. I was still thinking it was all my fault. I had brought this behaviour onto myself. That’s how manipulating these abusers are. Absolutely none of this is your fault. I’m right into my rubber band on my wrist at the moment. Every time you start to blame yourself, give it a good ping and say, “it’s not my fault, I’m safe”. It helps me to distract my brain. Learned behaviours can be unlearned too. Also, there is no shame in crying although I couldn’t in front of my n****r or it would get worse. I often broke down in inconsolable grief and anger. It’s ok to let it out this way. I’m sending you a big hug. Hugs helped me to real or not. Hug a pillow, hug a soft toy. Things will get better……..

    • #25598

      Thank you kip. I really thought things would be better now. It’s been quite some time since I left,you may remember from the old site. But then I have moments like last night.

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