I have a strange question..forgiving abusers?

[Alone]

I understand that this is probably going to be difficult for anyone to answer, and maybe even have multiple varying answers for anyone who can!

But has anyone forgiven their abuser/s, and if yes, what changed?

By what changed, I mean was it a better understanding of the person and what they did? Was it just letting go of the wonder completely? Something else?

My main abuser is a parent, and at times I can see she is incapable of living an independent life. Some of the things she does are extremely weird, and I grew up seeing these things happen. I’m beginning to realise she isn’t capable of being a mother. It got me wondering about the whole idea of forgiveness, and whether this is me beginning to do so… :s

xx

[Winterblues2]

I don’t know that I have forgiven my abuser. As I haven’t really thought about it these terms. I certainly see and understand where the abuse comes from. But I do not feel any anger as a result of his actions towards me.

I too have parents who are abusers and I’m finding that harder to recognise and accept, let alone forgive.

[Confused123]

Hi Ladies

My abuser was my partner,i haven’t forgiven him for what he put me through, he shows no remorse, my son says to me he does but doesnt show me and doesnt mean the things he says. I see it as this person i lived put me through the worst torture possible , how i survive i don’t know, the damage caused is unrecoverable, no i cant forgive And forget, by reading up on abuse i realized he abused me cause he was abused by his family, but then how will this cycle stop , by these abusers having to face upto there actions, get help if available , no one deserves to be abused or has right to abuse another human.

must be hard when your parents r the abusers, in my culture marriages r arranged, my parents forced me to marry this guy, part of me hates them for what they did, but i know myself being a parent is hardest job in the world and the fact that help me now i have left my abuser , i seem to be able to over look that part and just focus on receovery

[godschild]

Hi alone, I’m a christian and forgivness is very much part of my faith. However forgivness is I beleive a process and you have to walk though the pain the loss, the anger , the hurt etc and so many Christians say you need to forgive. I see it as a long walk to come to a place to forgive, but to me forgiveness is not saying that the abuse is ok or acceptable but it free’s us in then end because we are linked to eh abuser if we don’t forgive in a sense we are paying ing the price for what he has done, as he is still affecting us holding onto unforgivness destroys us long term. As saying I like is unforgivness is like driking poison and expecting the other person to die. The abuser won’t be suffering at all and over time and it can take a long time if you can forgive it is for your own peace inside. But its very hard when living with on going abuse. I once had a picture with mine several years ago and it was a snow storm and as fast as I cleared the snow away it poured back down ie I chose to forgive and it all happened again.
I can imagine many Women on here would understandably feel up on arms to think of forgiving their abuser but it is for your own sake ultimatley, so to carry unforgiveness damages us our mind our body and we can be free and leave the Abuser to God. These is a song I love called forgivenes, i will try ot find it an psot details on here later, but a line in it says “even if the jury and the judge say you have a right to hold a grudge, forgivness, the prisoner that it really free’s is you.

[Serenity]

I think grieving and healing involves a whole lot of emotions, and they say that anger is in fact healthy in this. It shows a healthy regard for yourself and a heathy amount of self-protection and self-respect. I know that I began feeling stronger when I started to feel angry. Suppressed anger isn’t good. It is suppressed either because the victim blames them self, is scared to admit their feelings, or is turning those feelings inwards.

But I suppose there comes a point when continued anger only damages you, especially as these abusers are normally so selfish, they aren’t thinking about you ( or anyone else ) any way as much as you are thinking about them!

So I suppose moving on from anger is a good thing. However, this doesn’t mean going back to old habits and allowing ourselves to get abused again. It means hiding people at a distance that is good for you. For example, not divulging personal information to those who you can’t trust to always support you, not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, etc. This needs to be an effort on your part, as abusers will mostly repeat the same tactics and behaviours.

I have gone no contact with my ex, but I would find it very hard to cut off total contact with certain other family members who can be, in their way, abusive. So I ration what I tell them, how much I divulge of my life’s details, how often I see them, and I try to lay down firmer boundaries. Every so often, these family members need reminding!

I have forgiven much, but that doesn’t mean my eyes aren’t wide open and I am not protecting my own health and happiness by watching out for their old behaviours to return, when I need to be assertive. x

[godschild]

Hi alone, I’m a christian and forgivness is very much part of my faith. However forgivness is I beleive a process and you have to walk though the pain the loss, the anger , the hurt etc and so many Christians say you need to forgive. I see it as a long walk to come to a place to forgive, but to me forgiveness is not saying that the abuse is ok or acceptable but it free’s us in then end because we are linked to eh abuser if we don’t forgive in a sense we are paying ing the price for what he has done, as he is still affecting us holding onto unforgivness destroys us long term. As saying I like is unforgivness is like driking poison and expecting the other person to die. The abuser won’t be suffering at all and over time and it can take a long time if you can forgive it is for your own peace inside. But its very hard when living with on going abuse. I once had a picture with mine several years ago and it was a snow storm and as fast as I cleared the snow away it poured back down ie I chose to forgive and it all happened again.
I can imagine many Women on here would understandably feel up on arms to think of forgiving their abuser but it is for your own sake ultimatley, so to carry unforgiveness damages us our mind our body and we can be free and leave the Abuser to God. These is a song I love called forgivenes, i will try ot find it an psot details on here later, but a line in it says “even if the jury and the judge say you have a right to hold a grudge, forgivness, the prisoner that it really free’s is you. (detail removed by moderator)

[Ayanna]

My abuser never showed any remorse and insisted that he was the victim. The evidence against him was too strong though and he could not get away with it. I have no feelings towards all of this. I am not angry at him, but also, I have no forgiveness for him. My emotions to all what happened are indifferent, like a grey matter. However, I am angry about the treatment that I received from people who were supposed to support me but let me down and discriminated me.

[Red1]

In a way I already forgive my husband because I have an idea of why he feels the need to be the way he is, it’s a lot to do with his upbringing and feeling second best especially to the women in his family. I pity him as he is not “enlightened” and can’t let it go.

However, just because I understand to a degree doesn’t mean I’m going to put up with the behaviour but once I don’t have to deal with it every day I think I’ll be able to forgive and let go. Counselling helped me a lot with this!

[Peaceful Pig]

I agree that my parents are harder to let go of emotionally than my ex was. I still struggle to forgive myself for all the ways I’ve coped with what’s happened to me and for being so messed up. I know intellectually that’s illogical, I know I was an innocent child, but deep down I can’t accept it yet. I think forgiving myself is the most important thing and ensuring I keep any anger directed in the right direction. Forgiveness for my abusers may follow one day, it I’m not expecting it of myself xx

[SilkyHalide]

Learning about yourself through healing therapies and counselling can bring peace, I’m not sure yet but this maybe the beginning of forgiveness. Because this journey has brought me moments of realisation that I can’t explain but which take power away from any abusers from my past and present so I hope also future prevention of these patterns in my life.

[Author]

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