Viewing 7 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #121172
      Hopefulwishes
      Participant

      Ladies I really need some words of encouragement. I’m terrified of leaving. He’s at home every minute of everyday at the moment which is making it more difficult to leave. My (detail removed by moderator) children are at their dads this weekend so it would be easier for me to leave with only having (detail removed by moderator) at home. I have a house to go to but I just don’t know how to bring up that I’m leaving and I know he will kick off so trying to get anything out of the house even clothing wise would be really hard.

      Any advice please?
      It just feels like this lockdown is never ending and I need him to be back at work so it’s easier for me to leave.

      Thank you in advance xx

    • #121181
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      It’s great that you’re mentally this close to leaving!

      Firstly, don’t tell him you’re leaving. Leave and then tell him you’ve left.

      I haven’t left so may not have the best advice but have had some great advice from people here that may help. When you go, could you pretend to be going somewhere like the doctor/chemist or shopping? Somebody on here told me she said her and her child were going to the park and never came back! I love that.

      For clothes, perhaps too late this time, but could you get things for you and your daughter out of the house when your older children go to their dad I.e. in their bags? Could you hide a bag in the car and slowly add things to it? This probably sounds really silly but do you ever leave the house without him? – could you wear extra layers of clothes when you go out and transfer then to your secret bag then?

      Sorry if these ideas are really unhelpful. I found when people made suggestions to me, even if they weren’t things I could do, they got be thinking differently, which really helped. I think there are lots of ways to be creative but it’s hard when you’re stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) of abuse).

      Have you spoken to the national domestic abuse helpline or your local women’s aid? They may have helpful advice.

      There will be a way to do this. Total worst case, you and your kids get out safely and all the stuff is just stuff that can be replaced. I doubt you’ll need to do that but it would be worth it for your freedom.

      Sending lots of love and luck xxxxx

      • #121187
        Hopefulwishes
        Participant

        Thank you your advice is really helpful. I just feel so stuck. I have a house sat waiting for me and my parents really want me to leave this weekend but I just don’t know how. We’ve had a pretty rough week and he said he wished he’d never had a child with me and that if she wasn’t here he would be gone in a flash. I told him having a child together is no reason to stay together. If I was to say I would leave then he would kick off. It’s like it’s ok if it’s his choice.
        It doesn’t make sense. I just feel like I’m wasting years of my life in total unhappiness. I’m not the same person anymore I’m usually really bubbly and happy.

      • #121206
        ISOPeace
        Participant

        You’re absolutely right – it’s alright if it’s his choice because everything has to be his way. That’s what abuse is all about, he believes he has the right to make you do what he wants you to do. It doesn’t make sense when we think they think like we do. But if you see that he believes you are responsible for meeting his every whim at the complete expense of your own needs, it makes more sense.

        Abuse does suck the life out of you. You don’t have to waste any more years. But don’t punish yourself for the years so far. You’re doing the best you can and you always have done. You’ve been punished enough already, in fact too much because you never deserved any of the abuse.

        As others have said, it will never feel like the right time to leave. It just has to be good enough
        I’ve been waiting for the right time for too long but like you I know I just need to get out safely. You’re not alone. Stay strong. You can do this! Xxxx

    • #121190
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Don’t waste any more! I wasted decades ….. You have a plan and support. Sometimes it takes a leap of faith into the unknown and it won’t be easy BUT you and your children deserve a good life and safety. Mine would never have let me go – we just left. Stuff can be sorted later. Tell him nothing – leaving is the most dangerous time. Get documents together safely if you can. Call police if you need. You can do this x*x

      • #121259
        Hopefulwishes
        Participant

        Thank you so much for your advice. I really do need to get out now. I’m going to take the time this week to try and get as much out as I can without him knowing. I need to go through documents and make sure I have the kids birth certificates etc.

        It really helps just to talk to women in the same situation and then I know I’m not alone and this isn’t normal to be treated this way and it isn’t all my fault like he makes me try to believe.

    • #121195
      Hetty
      Participant

      Get important stuff together and into your car or one place (mine were in a box under the bed) you can pick up so if nothing else you’ve got those. Is there any way you can have your parents at the house to help you? I actually thought my ex would go mental but he didn’t. I think he thought I’d be back. Thankfully the house I went to had stuff in so I didn’t need to worry about getting large furniture items out. Could you even get out, go to your parents and the make a plan for moving into the house a little later. Getting out and to safety is the main issue right now.
      I can’t tell you how at peace I felt away from him when I finally got out.
      One thing at a time ok. You’ve got a good chance this weekend. What do you absolutely need to get this plan in motion. Small steps. Don’t panic. We are all here for you xx

      • #121260
        Hopefulwishes
        Participant

        Thank you so much that means a lot. I don’t need any of the larger items as I’m the same as you I’ve got things in the new house from charities etc. It’s more the kids things I want and (detail removed by moderator) because he will probably smash them or something. I’m dreading all the messages of abuse I’m probably going to get and the games he will try and play to make me miserable. He’s said to me I can’t win either way if I’m with him I’m unhappy and if I leave he will make my life hell. Maybe I’m been too nice to him and he does need a reality check with the police.

      • #121281
        Hetty
        Participant

        I was the same. Just wanted my kids things more than anything. He did let me take those things but I had to wait a few weeks. I think wanted to save face and knew I’d he destroyed children’s items he would look bad to others and he cares what other people think. In the worst case scenario he does that but you’re out and safe with your children. Again focus on small things you can get out – I got out sentimental items and small toys etc etc without him knowing. Anything else can be replaced. People will help you x*x

    • #121203
      KIP.
      Participant

      Tell him you’re having a clear out for charity shop and put stuff in bin bags. If you have a car leave it in your car. If not you could say you’re giving it to a neighbour to take to the charity shop if you have a neighbour you could leave some belongings with. Could your parents come over and help you pack? He’s a lot less likely to kick off if someone is with you.

      • #121261
        Hopefulwishes
        Participant

        That’s a good idea I’ll bag some items up today and say I’m having a clear out. Thank you.

    • #121204
      KIP.
      Participant

      The other option is to involve the police while you pack. There’s never really a great opportunity in our heads. Sometimes we have to just take that leap of faith and go. Talk to your local women’s aid for advice.

    • #121223
      Freedom @
      Participant

      I have no advice really as I’m not at that point yet. I just wanted to say I hope you find the strength to go. You deserve to be happy x

      • #121262
        Hopefulwishes
        Participant

        Thank you. I hope you do too. Hope your ok x

    • #121227
      Trueblue
      Participant

      Sorry not much advice but just to say well done for getting this far and you can do it. Take 1 day at a time or even 1 hour. I listened to a podcast about abuse recovery and getting through it all and dont overwhelm yourself with too much future worries as it can be just too much. I feel like that. We are here and will try and help. But uyou are super strong and almost free xx

      • #121263
        Hopefulwishes
        Participant

        Thank you. Your words really help. It’s so nice to be able to speak to people who know how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. I don’t know how I’m going to walk out of here when he’s always here. It will probably be a spur of the moment thing as he has a go at me so I’ll have to just walk out with nothing. I was kind of hoping I’d be able to arrange to come back at a later date and he could not be here or a family member could come to get my clothes and the kids belongings.

Viewing 7 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account