25th February 2021 at 6:09 am #122326
I just wanted to say hi. I feel bad crashing in with my problems but i feel totally isolated. Last Tuesday, my world crashed around me. My daughter showed me an advert for women’s aid about abuse and said its you. Wednesday I finally told my doctor that I have been trying to make the final break with husband, that I was scared of what he would do, she said it was domestic abuse and asked why I hadn’t told anyone sooner. I said I didn’t think anyone would believe me, the previous doctor had done nothing to to help. I’m devastated, I feel so isolated, I have no trust left, I want to shut out the world, my children, my whole life feels like a lie.. I need to know I’m not alone
25th February 2021 at 7:21 am #122327KIP.Participant
Hi and welcome. Your post mirrors my experience.it was a WA poster that saved me. Are you scared of your partner, do you walk on eggshells, are you scared to go home. When I read those word my world fell apart too. I was so overwhelmed that someone knew about my life, how could they? I too thought I was the only one. Sadly domestic abuse is rife and you’ve found the perfect forum for support. Talk to your local women’s aid. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. I too was let down by a doctor who didn’t recognise the signs or do anything about them apart from minimise. Your GP asking why you hadn’t told anyone sooner shows a lack of understanding on their part. I didn’t recognise I was being abused for decades. He blames me and I blamed me. I covered up his behaviour. I was scared ashamed and traumatised. Victim blaming is not okay. She should be asking why he abused you. Not why you didn’t speak sooner, shameful x there’s a national domestic abuse helpline which are great. Give them a ring x
25th February 2021 at 12:45 pm #122328sweet4Participant
When my own daughter beat me up last year, i told the GP, she said nothing, i asked is there any support groups, she said Google.
I know how you feel.Virtual Hug xx
25th February 2021 at 1:30 pm #122330gettingtiredParticipant
Hey silkie, well done for posting on the forum.
I agree that your GP clearly doesn’t understand domestic abuse to be asking you why you didn’t speak sooner. Please don’t let that put you off seeking further support though.
Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft was a real eye opener for me and I’m also currently reading Healing from hidden abuse by Shannon Thomas which is a great book also. I’m still in the relationship like you but want to make the break rventually. It’s the hardest thing realising it’s abuse you’ve been experiencing (and for most of us here it’s gone on for years) so be kind and patient with yourself.
Reach out to your local DA charity if you feel ready. This forum is a great support system too sobkeep posting. Speaking to other survivors who understand really helps. Take care xx
25th February 2021 at 2:28 pm #122335LottieblueParticipant
@SILKIE it’s like a light coming on, isn’t it? Well, very well done for finding this forum. It will be your biggest source of support. Do not feel embarrassed about coming back and back and back. You will find that there are so many questions swirling round in your head and you’ll want them all answered and that’s fine. That’s what we’re all here for and we are all at different stages on our journey.
If you can, get in touch with your local Women’s Aid. They are brilliant and may well assign someone specific for you to talk to. Also, try to get connected to a local Freedom Programme – it doesn’t even have to be that local as they are all online at the moment. These are all ways of you getting the support you need. With support you will become stronger, and with strength you will find a way to leave, if it’s what you want to do.
Keep us posted. Everyone here cares. A lot.
27th February 2021 at 9:47 pm #122442
I’m not sure how to reply directly to comments so I don’t know who can see this but thank you for your support. some of your stories are frightening and mine feels almost tame by comparison. As he said, he would never hit me but I said until we got married, I didn’t think you would punch a hole in the wall. I now have to face him and say no more but I feel a bit stronger. I really felt his control today and I am trying to understand that I should trust my instincts. I have no one I can talk to, my children can see it but understandably, want to keep a relationship with him. I have an appt with a therapist on (detail removed by Moderator) so fingers crossed they can help me. thank you again and with your support, I know I can fight this.
25th February 2021 at 5:04 pm #122343LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum. Never feel bad for expressing yourself here and asking for advice. This is exactly what this forum is here for; to ensure women experiencing domestic abuse never have to feel alone or not believed.
As you can already see, the women here can relate very much to how you are feeling and what you have been through. They also can provide information on services that can help and validate your experiences. As suggested, you can speak with your local domestic abuse service so they can assure you of options and proactively help you through them. They can also listen and provide emotional support. Use them on-going as you need. This is a free service. Search for your local here.
Supportline can specifically provide confidential emotional support over the phone. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200, or visit their website at http://www.supportline.org.uk.
You’ve made an important step forward in posting here and I hope you continue to do so. This is a safe, non-judgemental space for you to be heard and understood.
All the best,
27th February 2021 at 9:32 pm #122441
thank you all for your supportive texts. i think i’m trouble. my son (detail removed by Moderator) called to say that he thought his dad might commit suicide. i called him (whilst i had a friend with me) and he was crying. i went round because he sounded so bad. (detail removed by Moderator) hours later he left. i told the children he was fine. he said he was hurt by my actions, my solicitor’s letter etc. he still loves me, i’m his best friend of (detail removed by Moderator) years and i got caught up in the emotions of it all. he really thinks we will get back together.
when he left, i had the feeling i’d been played. i’m not used to trusting my instincts but i feel like i’ve been manipulated and even worse, he’s using my children to do it. Am i right? i don’t have anyone i can talk to. i can’t believe he would use his own children this way. i want to disappear
27th February 2021 at 10:11 pm #122444HawthornParticipant
My heart goes out to you. Yes he is manipulating you and your children. Threatening suicide is a common tactic abusers use. If it happens again call 999 for a welfare check. Suicide threats should be taken seriously but require professional input, they are not something to be managed by partners or relatives. He is an adult and responsible for his actions. You are not responsible for him, we are all only responsible for ourselves and our young children if we have them.
Trust your gut and keep reaching out here and to your friends. It’s normal to feel your experiences are not as bad as others but that’s because we minimise the abuse when we are in it. It’s the only way to survive the day to day. Abuse and coercive control is not love, it is the very opposite. Reach out to womens aid if you haven’t already, you need and deserve support.
I know that feeling of wanting to disappear too well. Be very kind to yourself. Little acts of self care will help; eating something, drinking plenty of water, lots of rest, maybe some fresh air and a nice bath if you’re up to it. As KIP often says, this too will pass.
Sending you a virtual hug x*x
27th February 2021 at 10:56 pm #122447BettertimesaheadParticipant
I have a similar story to yours , I’m just a bit further in. My husband threatened suicide numerous times in the early stages. I called police each time to do welfare checks, none of attempts were serious. He even showed my adult son what he wanted when he’d died. One time after I called police he got all angry at me for doing it then next texts were like nothing had happened. My children have now chosen to have no contact with him because of his behaviour to me and them. Please try and get some support from a local organisation if you can, I have weekly meetings with a keyworker and it is invaluable
28th February 2021 at 12:25 am #122453
@bettertimesahead thank you, he was sobbing when I turned up, it looked so real and I don’t know what to believe. He never cries or shows real emotion and it pulled me back in. He did say he would never do anything but I said it was a cruel thing to hint about. He says I’m his best friend and he’s devastated. I’m losing the will to fight
28th February 2021 at 7:18 am #122458Jedi warriorParticipant
Hi silkie I am new on here but just wanted to say my husband threatened suicide even wrote his funeral plan told our son how he was going to do it then told us he wouldn’t have done that to us …I’m trying to stay strong too and not be manipulated very hard as I’m not out yet husband has manipulated both our grown up children ..they will use their repertoire to get us to stay and feel sorry for them in all the years I have known my husband I’m in disbelief at his behaviour. Stay strong
28th February 2021 at 8:08 am #122462DarcyParticipant
Hi my beautiful angel … Silkie,
I just read through the posts and the one thing that stood out for me was when you wrote about trusting your instincts
Yes, yes, yes trust your instincts, that’s why we have them, tha’s why animals have them
My darling you have the answers and you know what is the right thing to do.
Sit quietly, even if its just in the bathroom for a minute or two and let the voice in your head guide you. It is there to love and protect you so start tuning in and listening to her.
You will know what to do.
Sending you love and support
28th February 2021 at 8:25 am #122463BettertimesaheadParticipant
All my husband wants is me back , he’s tried contacting friends , he told our best man how heartbroken he is, but when I start feeling weak I think, so where is the remorse, where is the acceptance and admission of what you did, why do your actions not reflect your words? I read the pages I wrote of incidents and that helps me keep going. He made his choices, I’m now making mine xx
2nd March 2021 at 3:14 am #122584
@bettertimesahead @darcy @jediwarrior thank you. Yes my instincts are kicking in, I have seen him (detail removed bu moderator) since the threat of divorce and he is so in live, wants to have therapy, have another year apart but “trying”. Each time, I’ve had the uneasy feeling I’m being being played. My (detail removed by moderator) son called thinking he was going to kill himself and so it begins.
I’m trying to find safe places to go in an emergency but he is a weak man. At the moment it appears he is playing ‘I’m pathetic and love you game’s. My daughter has also been targeted but she sees straight through him, at least i hope so. But reading these pages and information about abusive partners, I think I am in for a long haul which will end in me leaving for somewhere new. I have become resigned to this, I can only hope he is as weak as I think he is.
I have to believe I can do this. Words I never thought I’d say, let alone as a victim but… thank you to you all for your support, we must be firm and use our instincts, they are our protection xx
3rd March 2021 at 7:19 pm #122685CamelParticipant
I hope you’re feeling less isolated now you’ve found your way here. Everyone is on your side. Everyone believes you. No one is judging you or thinking that your experiences don’t count.
It’s great that you’re sensing when you’re being played. Perhaps the only positive thing that comes from being abused is we get really really good at reading people, particularly our abuser. If you think you’re being played, then you’re being played. There’s nothing wrong with your instincts.
Isn’t it interesting how he still manages to turn everything so it’s about him? How HE feels. You’re HIS best friend. HE loves you. HE’S hurt by your actions. HE can’t cope emotionally. This is how he’s playing you. In making it all about him he’s forcing you into using all your emotional energy into making it better for him. If you’re strong enough, stop listening. You’re not obligated to.
29th April 2021 at 6:00 pm #125342ChelseaParticipant
I know I have been trapped in this for (removed by moderator) years it’s so tiring in the end it’s like in the end that’s it
30th April 2021 at 6:15 pm #125392CatjamParticipant
Hi, well done on reaching out on here. It was one of the best things I did. Mine currently has (removed by moderator) of our daughters running round after him as he was so devastated when I left. I had told him I would but I think he thought he knew me better and I wouldn’t. I followed a lot of advice on here and told him I wanted no contact for at least a month. That timeline is closing in fast.
He is using the kids to try and get to me, even my grandchild and it’s extremely hard some days to stay away. They are masters at what they do. Mine is currently starting therapy with a domestic abuse counsellor that (removed by moderator) set up for him.
Stay strong and keep posting. The amazing people on here never judge or think a question isn’t worth answering.
3rd June 2021 at 12:25 am #126600Grey RockParticipant
Yes, the suicide threats are scary… The first ten or so times anyway. As someone else said, call 999 and get the police to do a welfare check. Usually when they got there my ex was drunk or very embarrassed.
And the sobbing and willingness to change… They’ll say whatever they think will work. It means nothing. I let my ex talk me round (detail removed by moderator) times. It took (detail removed by moderator) attempts to leave before I finally accepted he was never going to change and each time he got worse quicker. I was a slow learner but I got there in the end. Thank goodness for Women’s Aid, and Dr Ramani (the info on her YouTube videos helped me understand and see the patterns and gave me strength to stock with no contact the final time.
Glad you’re here. This is a fantastic forum for support.
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