I have been booked for counselling

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I have been booked for counselling by the new DV lady I met the other day. She said I went through an awful lot…

I have been thinking about that since I saw her. I feel it is going to reopen all the doors to the feelings I didn’t want to feel any more. I have had time to think at the refuge about how I want to face the situation at home and how strong I believe I have become. I fear speaking again, going back to confusion and hurt and pain.

I have looked at the Child and Work Tax Credit she advised me to research in view of the fact my husband has cut me off from finances, and even that is not what I truly want to face.

I have always been a sitting duck.

I remember she also said she would talk to SS. This again is going to bring back all the bad things I am trying to avoid including being spoken about by people who clearly only scratched the surface of what goes on in my house and I am terribly frightened of the outcome of their ”discussions”. They see me as a perpetrator of emotional abuse towards my children!!! They see me as suffering with ”mental issues” as they kindly wrote. They accused me of self fulfilling prophecies and are clearly xenophobic. They understand nothing of my culture, my personality and my life in general, living with an abuser for decades…

The fact is I clearly don’t want to label my situation as abusive any more, I want to be stronger than him and may be in denial but that makes feel ok for now. I avoid situations at home, I am calm with the kids most of the time, I don’t try too hard to achieve anything any more other than ticking over with the house duties etc. I am watching. I don’t react to his abuse which I consider mild, very mild for the moment except the latest outbursts. I sometimes think maybe it is me asking too much, me who should just walk away and ignore anyway instead of feeling hurt and wanting an explanation that leads to arguments. The less I see, hear, witness and experience, the calmer and the more composed I am able to stay. I don’t want SS to think anything negative, judge my parenting, judge me, comment, think, criticise and assess me. I want peace within myself. Sometimes I think I should just deal with the situation totally on my own and not be helped by a DV person at all.

Forget the lot and stay on my own and be my own judge of the situation. If he becomes violent, I can report him again. And even when I know his attitude is abusive, as I have written lately about certain things, it is up to me not to rise to it.

The DV lady asked me why I didn’t report his last intimidation and his violent reaction (before I went into a refuge). I answered there was no crime committed and the police would have done the same again saying ”what do you want us to do Mrs x?”, and they would have probably asked to speak to him etc. What for in the end if he didn’t hurt me? I just don’t rely on any agencies any more.

Avoid making him go in a rage, that is the best tactic for me for now. And help myself to feel at peace by not getting involved in any situation. What else is there to do? I don’t like the ”theatrics”. The situation is what it is, the kids have taken on his patterns of behaviour, obvious at times, I can’t change him nor them and I don’t want to cause a fuss nor waste my time speaking about things at home to anyone any more. I feel my mind is blanking the past, my brain is forgetting the past, and it doesn’t want to see the future as something uncertain either.

I see no one and I am not bothered. It is calmer that way for me. I like being alone. I can’t bear talking to friends eager to get the latest gossip and the stories about the refuge. I focus on work and enjoying what I can enjoy. I know too much about abuse now and it hurts, I don’t want to hurt any more by believing it can erupt again sooner or later. It is up to me not to react. That is the only solution I could discuss with my fellow refugees who understood my personal situation, the details of my life and part of my future. The DV lady at the refuge spoke about escalation. I speak about escalation of silence. For now it sort of works…So many people give you so many different points of view! Even a friend of mine who came recently and who is of the same nationality as me said something I agree with, some people live the way you are trying to, and it works for them…

Confusion…Waiting…Watching…Anticipating…Avoiding. For now.

[Suntree]

Bridgejonesisfree I just want to send hugs.
Sorry I couldn’t read it all, some of it too close to home as I started and not in the right environment at the moment for me to read the rest.
If it helps the bits I glanced through I too was labelled as the one who was mentally unstable and of a danger to my kids by a section of the SS.
I had to jump through all the hoops and more because of their allegations to prove that I wasn’t.
Every mental health professional and every other SS person I met apart from the initial ones called the allegations “malicious” they had far more information than I had and kept saying they had to refer me up because they did not have the power to stop this coming back. The original ones were rubbing their hands with glee as all the saw was I was so bad I had to go to more referrals.
Long story short.
I am as free as you can be with children with an abuser. It has taken a very long time, a lot of therapy for me and some for the children. A lot of bravery from me and a change of body shape, though stress. I also have a peace of paper to say I am “normal” whatever that is.
For a long time I thought I could “live” with my abuser and my children’s abuser that I could find a status quo. I had an idea what would happen if I left and didn’t feel brave enough or things were bad enough for me to justify the pain that this would cause.
In the end I had no option but to leave and face what was coming. Looking back, looking at the present and even though I am on my knees at times. When I look at my kids now. I wish I had left when they were a lot younger.
We do our best with the knowledge we have at the time. Never forget that you are always doing you best with what you have x

[Ayanna]

Be careful whom you ask for help. I received nothing but abuse when I asked for help. There is also a lot of racism against minority women. I suffered so much racism, it broke me more.
When you try to tell them that what they do is wrong they punish you more. I sorted myself out alone and I am yet to write lots of complaints to the patriarchs. I am a suppressed minority woman too.

[Author]

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