22nd May 2021 at 9:50 am #126180forestwalkerParticipant
So, (detail removed by moderator) as I was driving home for work and feeling nauseous and not wanting to go home, I came to the realisation that I need him out. So it has been done. I remained calm and said very little other then I no longer want him in my home, he coaxed, cajoled and swore at me alternating between all 3, but I held fast and after a couple of hours he left taking a small bag of his belongings. After he left I called my ex-partner whom is a friend, ordered myself a takeout and had a small glass of wine. I paced an awful lot, but felt safe and relieved.
I know that this is just the 1st step on the journey, and I know that I need to remain strong. Last time he left the police were involved and it was a reaction to a specific incident. This time, I did it alone and as a calm response to all the name calling and emotional abuse he has inflicted since his return. I know that I will struggle over the next few weeks, I know that I will miss parts of him being here and I will get lonely, but this time I have told my mother and daughter what has happened whereas previously I didn’t want them to know as I didn’t want them to think the worse of him. I do still feel shame that I ignored the red flags and allowed my own insecurities and low self-esteem to believe that any attention was better then none. But this time I believe that I can do this, and this time I will not let him back in. I have started therapy and believe that once this has been completed, my life and self-belief will look very different.
I will continue to come on here, to remind myself that he will not change and that I deserve better then he is able to give.
22nd May 2021 at 2:24 pm #126189ISOPeaceParticipant
Well done forestwalker! I’m so pleased for you! You sound really determined not to let him back, which is great.
If you haven’t already done any reading up on abuse, I would really recommend it. It could help take away the same of ignoring the red flags by explaining how we get sucked in. Also I think it would help you stay strong. I definitely found it really helpful. Also this forum was such a big part in helping me stay strong when I left and not getting sucked in by his attempts to get me to come back. Sending lots of love. xxxx
22nd May 2021 at 8:49 pm #126207CamelParticipant
Well done you! It sounds like you know yourself really well and have gathered a good support network. If he has no right to move back in, it’s probably a good idea to change the locks. Also, you said he took a small bag of belongings? Maybe he thinks he’ll be coming back? Bag up all his stuff carefully, take photos of it in good order, get your friend to drop it off.
23rd May 2021 at 9:43 am #126212LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support, it took so much courage to do this, you’re right that you deserve so much better. You have done nothing wrong so please try not to be so hard on yourself.
Opening up to your family will really help you to stay strong so well done for doing this. Good luck with your therapy, I am sure this is the start of a much better future for you.
If you need any advice about your next steps, you can also chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are,
23rd May 2021 at 9:40 pm #126249forestwalkerParticipant
Thank you for your replies.
So he is currently oscillating between “I love you” and “I am in pieces so it’s easier for you to go to the police” to “we have both had bad childhoods” etc etc has been occurring over the last (detail removed by Moderator) days. He is emailing me as I will not talk to him or respond to text messages…I have resisted responding, but he is really twisting the knife. He has now collected all his clothes, my friend was at my house whilst I was out with my (detail removed by Moderator) dogs – he was ever so charming to her asking how she was etc
One of the emails I nearly responded to, as it was about the fact that we both had abusive childhoods and it took my breath away and I immediately broke down. I can see that he is manipulating me, any my need to try and rescue him is so intense. I am guessing that he is drinking again, as (detail removed by Moderator) he is sending me (detail removed by Moderator) via email…but I am trying to be strong. I know that I should change my email, but until he has collected the rest of his belongings – this is the only way of informing him when he can attend my house.
I will keep posting and reading to remain strong, and I am also halfway through the Lundy Bancroft book. I will do this.
28th May 2021 at 10:46 pm #126451MuddybootsParticipant
Forestwalker, you’re amazing!!!!
It was so cool how you listened to your body, and did what you needed to do to feel safe [imagine those little dancing emoji people here]
Please keep us up to date on things, because it’s always so nice to hear positive stories of people getting out and doing well – gives the rest of us hope
Do you have a friend who could read his emails to you, so that you don’t have to? Or could you give him a time and date when he can get his stuff and if he doesn’t show up then you leave it with a mutual friend and then it’s done?
Now you know that all the love bombing is just another form of manipulation, does it feel different to you? Or does it still feel sincere?
Big hugs and high fives
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