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My daughter has been in touch by text to ask about Christmas arrangements. I haven’t responded as her father constantly uses her to get information and pit her against me. He’s ruined our relationship essentially and in this instance i just don’t know what to do. Am i being paranoid with regards to her intentions? The last time we spoke she verbally abused me on his behalf. What to do. The guilt is tearing me apart. Im OK then in turmoil x its never ending. Any advice would be so appreciated xx
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I should elaborate I haven’t responded because I have no trust in her anymore. It breaks my heart because i do want her to be in my life so badly. I am scared it’s too late and when she’s in touch i get terrible anxiety. Awful situation to be in all round xx
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Dear DIYmum
Not sure I’m best placed to offer advice on this as I’m struggling with similar here.
It’s awful and I can only wonder what works to et through to them what they are doing. I mean your daughter not him, we know what he’s doing.
I have the same to face and I think Shipoffools I when she said ‘on my terms’.
Reflecting back to them continually what is happening one would hope eventually they will see it and not be able to carry on being the go between and duck right out of an interaction.
There is nothing wrong with asking ‘why, and what is it that she is specifically worried about?’
Or saying that you want to avoid certain convo’s if you suspect she is being a messenger, citing examples x,y,z.
If you can think of other things please do share with us I would be very interested.
Warmest wishes ts
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Also, make separate plans with her little and often to keep things light and focussed on other things to avoid discussions like that.
Things like trying a weekly class of something together, like exercise or dance or car maintenance, I don’t know, whatever. You can both benefit from it and its regular. It’s also gets her out of that kind of headspace to broaden her horizons a bit. Having a pamper together, those kind of things? Something you can both look forward to. -
Hi, DIY mum,
Why not respond by asking your daughter about her own plans? That should sort out whether she’s intending to include you and actually thinking about arrangements or just fishing for information on behalf of your ex.
You could just tell her you haven’t really even started thinking about Christmas yet – I haven’t! – and turn the conversation back to her. If she gets angry or unpleasant, that’s a clear sign it wasn’t a genuine, loving enquiry. Was your ex the sort that sabotaged family Christmases and other important occasions when he wasn’t the centre of everybody’s attention? If he was, don’t expect that to change!
He might well be starting trouble stirring by proxy here – what if you suggest you and your daughter meet up for lunch or coffee to talk plans? You could share ideas – without making any commitment – on what would be a good Christmas for each of you and see if there’s any overlap at all. After all, it’s still only October.
Good luck,
Flower x
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Good Morning and thank you for your replies TS and flower 🙂
Your are both right I need to work out what her intensions are first before I act. One thing I have learned through this whole experience is don’t jump before you think things through. There is always time to make decisions its better that way then we can be more logical in our approach. Rather than making decisions when the FOG has descended on us. Be one step ahead.
The answer to the did he sabotage special occasions? yes in deed he did! One thing I never really understood about him but know I do. I also learned to anticipate a kick off around these times as they were often ruined. Why you ask? Anyway.
I will text today to ask what her feelings are and I will get an idea of where/who this is coming from. I know that she really wants to see my youngest and that is out of genuinely good intention. As for me I know sadly that there is a deep rooted hatred for me. Mainly because I couldn’t take any more and essentially rejected her. I had no choice – we do get to a point where enough is enough because if we don’t draw that line life is not worth living. Its history repeating its self xx Maybe we need professional help to move forward xx Anyway I hope you are both okay today and your advice is really appreciated xx 🙂
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