I have sent him an email

[Tuppance]

I have tried to
Come out of my marriage since spring This year following his unreasonable and abusive behaviour but I am so rubbish at speaking up – even counselling has not helped. We had a rough weekend where I thought I had told him quite clearly it was over but then he was being sad and rejected and offered to move out for a trial separation but he keeps calling about different options and going for a date night and stuff and I don’t want any of it. I accepted the trial separation idea because I thought he would leave more easily so I have just emailed him my feelings. I am dreading his response but at least he can digest it before he gets home. I am not sure how he will be and the kids will be here but k don’t want to give him false hope and keep
Not making plans. It’s all such a mess.

[Anonymous]

Hi tuppence, I’m in a similar situation to yours. I told him I needed a break to try & sort my head out, he said “do I’ll only see you every couple of weeks” I made it clear that I want no contact at all, he’s said he will wait to hear from me. So far I haven’t heard from him, (detail removed by moderator) & no calls or txts. This might seem like a very short time but he txt upto 60 times a day & rings a lot. I too have a daughter with him. She has bore the brunt of his control. I left & moved us out to keep her safe but got sucked back in (detail removed by moderator)with his promise of getting help etc! Of course this never happened. I’m fortunate that my daughter is starting to see his true nature. She knows I’m going to leave him, but the trial separation is preparing him for what’s to come. I have no doubt that he will try & use her to get me back. I have to stay strong for her sake. She’s seen me put up with so much from her dad, if I stay she will grow up thinking it’s ok to be emotionally abused by someone who is supposed to love you. I now realise he is incapable of love, his version of love is how much corral he has over us. He’s a n********t & the world revolves around him. I’m riddled with guilt breaking our family up but I know it’s the only thing to be done. My daughter is a young teen so has a better understanding of why I have to leave. If I’m not happy she won’t be happy. I’m a shell of my former self. I will get back to the strong independent woman I was before he sucked me in. You have to take care of yourself only then can you take care of your children. I would te comes the only contact you have is with regards to the kids. Don’t engage in his pity party, I know how good they are at playing the victim but just remember what he’s really like, his true nature & you’ll find a strength you never knew you had xx

[Tuppance]

Thankyou so much for replying Moogie. I never thought it would come this – did you?? He is not the same man I married and his behaviour, although no big outbursts, has not changed since I spoke to him in (removed by moderator) . I have now opened up fully to my parents and their support is so amazing. I wish I had spoken to them sooner. I think our boy gets what’s going on but our daughter doesn’t a proper daddy’s girl she is! I agree with you about finding the strength to ignore his pitying behaviour. Yes, remember him in the throes of his rubbish . Thankyou and I wish you all the best getting out too. Thankyou for this forum. X*x

[Tuppance]

Hi C123 ( is that OK to shorten ??!)
Thankyou for responding. I have 3 options as far as I can see. My mum and I are seeing the solicitor this week to go through my options. I would like to think he will be fair to me for the sake of the kids but his snide remarks and continued drunken behaviour leads me to think this is going to get rather unpleasant. I am OK to say it is a trial separation but he won’t relinquish any financial control to me. He said we can buy s house jointly for me to live in and then I use our existing joint account for my expenses. It sounds good but it just means he is still controlling me and I will have to account to him. X*x

[SilkyHalide]

Tuppance mine said similar about house he was trying to keep financial control. You may not know fully if you might with some space still get back together (trial separation) but once you get the tactics coming back at you when you have space you realise there isn’t any way back. This is scarey but can make you feel stronger and more determined.
I went with it at first but then realised what he was doing separately manipulating children so I pulled out of extending mortgage at 11th hour.
He’d manipulated me to back down on the most tying aspect of control, at this point I knew I had to have complete separation and started divorce.

[Tuppance]

I emailed him today again to explain all the horrible things he did over the weekend as he couldn’t understand why I was being uncivilised (!) I was speaking when I had to but just kept myself out of his way. He has emailed an apology and said he is going to cut down his drink ing and he admitted his horrible behaviour so now I feel like a complete b**ch. Too much has gone on. I don’t love him anymore and the drinking and horrible behaviour is only one aspect of what has dragged me down as made me I’ll. I feel so lonely today. I need to speak with women’s aid to see if they an offer any other support to get out. Thankyou for replying silky xx

[KIP.]

Don’t waste your time emailing and conversing. It will just confuse you even more. That’s why no contact is such a great thing. No contact means no mind games X

[Tuppance]

Thanks KIP. I am hoping I can do this once I have moved out but I can’t do it whilst we are still living together. Emailing him when he is at work is the only way I feel OK to speak up. I can’t do it to his face because either I am feeling anxious or the kids are around. I wish I could just disappear. Xx

[KIP.]

i hope you get good advice from a solicitor. Your main priority is getting away. Even if you let him buy you a house, you may get it in the divorce, or the law mat say he has to house you and the kids. Get good legal advice and expect nothing from him.

[Author]

Posts