I have spoken to DA services, they are helping me with a plan, now all I can thi

[DizzyFossil]

I have spoken to local domestic abuse services, they are helping me with a plan, now all I can think about is the times he’s been good to me, but also like I feel like I’m on fire and I can’t stay as I’m worried about me & my children. Not physical violence just control… so controlling.

WHY do they have to do this. I have tried so hard. I feel like its all my fault but I know its not.

I ended things (detail removed by moderator) but he’s begged me to stay and to not take the children, so I have agreed, even done a counselling session that was already booked. She says I need to forget the past to move on and honestly that thought settling in (detail removed by moderator) for the first time in my life. I just want it to stop. and now he’s never been nicer.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel … Dizzyfossil,
I can understand how scary it feels for you to leave and make a change, but how scary does it feel to stay when he starts with the abuse again.
Both are scary but one will benefit you more than the other.
You have to close one door before another will open. When you cling onto something so tightly your hands aren’t open to receive anything else … which could just be better than you already have.
Trust that this is the process and although you are feeling scared and unsure now, this will lead to a better ‘freer’ life long term.
I myself am proof of this and so are so many of the other lovely ladies on here.
Be brave and be strong for you and your children…. you all deserve better.
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Hawthorn]

Hi DizzyFossil,
Really really well done for reaching out to your local DA services. That will have taken so much courage so give yourself credit for doing it. His behaviour is to be expected. The nice parts, the “honeymoon” or “love-bombing” periods are as much a part of the cycle of abuse as the control or verbal abuse. They serve to make you doubt yourself and to keep you trapped in the relationship, to convince yourself that it’s all fixed and it’s going to be a normal, loving relationship from here on out. If he was horrible all the time you would have left long ago.

What your experiencing with the good memories flooding back is called “euphoric recall”. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman, so even our own brains try to trick us into staying, believing its the safer option. Hold onto your truth; you are being abused and controlled and you and your children deserve much better.
That said, just because he has not been violent up to now does not mean he won’t escalate to it when he feels his control over you slipping so be very very careful. Don’t speak to him about the abuse or tell him anything about your exit plan or leaving. Take the very best care of yourself.

I’m sorry you had such a bad experience with the counsellor but it is sadly not a unique experience. Very few relationship counsellors are clued up on abuse and women’s aid never recommend going to joint counselling with an abuser. So try to ignore any of the nonsense she told you about forgetting his abuse and focus on how you felt at the thought of staying. You deserve safety and happiness. Keep reaching out here and if you haven’t read it please read “why Does He Do that” by Lundy Bancroft. You can find it free on line and read it on your phone.
Good luck with your exit planning. You got this xx

[Author]

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