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    • #167610

      Trying to process everything just has me wondering how on earth did I get here.. how have I let this happen.
      What did I do wrong. It just be me . He would tell me I was abusing him. By telling him his words were unacceptable I was apparently making him speechless mI would not understand how and spend hours researching if my behaviour was abuse.
      I have children I can’t give up on. They love and need their mummy but quite honestly I don’t think there is a way to end this pain. I begin to get I were not existing.
      How does one move on from this. Do any of you ever want to find someone else. If so how do you know they are safe. I don’t want to even delve into any thoughts of being with anyone else but I just wondered what happens to life after.
      How do you keep going

    • #167616

      Hi justlost,

      I dont have the answers, I wish I did. I know that’s super unhelpful. I think we all feel the same ‘how the hell did this happen to me’, because they are SO sly, they often dont enter the relationship with red flags

      But one step at a time, mini goals to start with.

      Have you managed to speak to women’s aid or your local organisation? they will help you understand each step and process things as and when you are ready.

    • #167617
      lover of no contact

      Hi justlost,

      There’s alot of people out there with his patterns of behaviour. It really isn’t you. If you were like him in his behaviours he’d have never entered a relationship with you, in that this means you are a good, normal person with empathy and a conscience. Abusers are addicts. Addicted to power and control. We are their drug. They get high and feel powerful off our negative emotions (anger, upset etc). They are spiritually warped. Basically they chose a long time ago to act and be a bully to get their needs met. This is what you’ve been dealing with. No wonder you feel like you do. I was where you are but I’ve healed and continue to heal with alot of support. Knowledge is power, keep reading the posts on here (and sharing to get your pain and confusion out) and you will see it’s as if the abusers went to the same school. You will get identification and see that it was never you. He targeted you because of your lovely qualities.

    • #167637

      Remember that powerful phrase ‘this too shall pass’. It sounds like the day you posted this was a bad one, they happen – sometimes often, sometimes not.

      How did we get here? We fell in love, we were strong enough to deal and we wanted to help another person be better – those aren’t bad traits. When a ceiling collapses it’s not because you ignored the bathroom tap running for days, it’s because there was a drip, drip, drip of water/trouble which went unseen to the outside world until boom, it caved in. Abusers are master manipulators, they sold you a lie, subtlety and slowly. A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

      How do you move on? One day at a time, one minute at a time on the bad days. You focus on you and those kids. Who are you – I had no clue for a long long time after. What do you want your kid’s to remember their childhood like – and focus on building that.

      Will you meet someone else? Who knows but if/when you do, you’ll be wiser to abuse, you’ll be stronger having lived this, you’ll be a happier version of yourself than you are today. And if you don’t meet anyone new, well those statements still apply don’t they, and you’ll be free. Don’t give up, you’ve got this. You gave him love and everything in between and the fact it wasn’t enough is on him, he’s broken, not on you. Ok xx

    • #167649

      Thankyou for your lovely replies they are so appreciated. I feel so overwhelmed at times

    • #167650


      I’ve been where you have. Total confusion and not having the first idea how and when things changed. Everyone is right, just focus on one thing at a time, and make sure you are taking really good care of yourself. You really need to be your own best friend at the moment.

      This not your fault. No one deserves this. Babies are born and they don’t have to earn respect do they? Same with all people, we are all entitled to be treated with decency.

      It is hard and you will come out the other side. You will never be the same person you were before. You will be a much stronger person with a better sense of self, living your life on your terms.

      Thinking of you x

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