I just can’t confide in anyone

[gettingtired]

Hello, is anyone else really struggling to tell their family?

I feel like a broken, boring, pathetic record again but today I felt close to telling someone in my family that I want to leave my partner. I just couldn’t do it though. Something stopped me and time seemed to freeze. I just can’t.
I’m worried about telling some members of my family because obviously they’re emotionally attached to me and I’m anxious what they will think of me/him/that they will make me feel worse as I know they will want to know everything and I wont want to discuss anything. I also feel irritated talking about my feelings to them and just want to be left alone. Not sure why.

Whenever they ask anything about our relationship (just harmless things) I get very angry/defensive and guarded. I just can’t bare to talk to anyone!

He threatened to lock me out of our home again because (detail removed by moderator) (I’m already having to pay a lot of money out for something at the moment). I told him I would ring the police as all of my belongings are at our home and he laughed (detail removed by moderator)  He also said he thinks I am mentally ill but that I won’t go to a doctor to seek help.

I’m furious that after the amount of money he knows I’m having to pay out for something at the moment he couldn’t care less. I’m also now feeling anxious and guilty about covid. I go to my parents as that is the only place other than work I visit other than seeing him at home and it’s the only chance to get a break from him. The pathetic joke is that during this entire pandemic he has been seeing drug dealers and making countless trips to the supermarket for alcohol even though people were advised to avoid shopping unless they needed to. I pointed that out but according to him he takes responsibility for it but I don’t for anything in my life..

He is also trying to make me feel guilty telling me his family (detail removed by moderator). I am dreading seeing them over Christmas as I’ve recently discovered he has basically been telling them how I am horrible to him.

I’m so angry at everything at the moment! I feel so guilty though as I end up taking things out on my parents who love me because I’m too afraid to get angry at him 😢 At the moment it’s easier to keep my head down and stay quiet around him. I can’t really leave until after (detail removed by moderator) but I can’t make a plan to get out unless I tell my family. Telling anyone feels impossible at the moment, I just never envisioned feeling so trapped in my life and it’s a horrible feeling.

x

[Anonymous]

Honestly, these men are all out of the same mould. There’s nothing wrong with you. He just accuses you of everything he is to make you feel bad. It’s what they do.

I told my family in the end. And I told them I didn’t want to talk about it. They were great. Yours probably will be too. They love you. They’ll want to help, but won’t really know how.

It’s ok to get angry. You’ve every right! Look how he treated you. How dare he?

Harness that anger to escape and rebuild. You did nothing wrong.

[gettingtired]

Thank you for the support lostforever. You’re right, I need to use the anger as a push to get out. It’s just hard as at the moment I’m craving ‘normality’ to cope with day to day life. So I’m very afraid of rocking the boat x

[Hawthorn]

Of course you’re scared, hes been using fear to control you for such a long time. Life is not something to be coped with or endured, it is to be enjoyed. You will escape this nightmare. You are not trapped like he’s making you believe. You are planning and getting stronger all the time.

You got this GT. The time will come when this is all just bad memory, a sad chapter in a novel with the end yet to be written. And there’s so many happy chapters ahead. Free of him and free of abuse.

Your family love you. They will support you in whatever way you ask them to. People who love you will not enforce their will on you like your abuser has made you believe. That’s not love, its power and control.

Be kind to yourself. You dont deserve this situation but you will get yourself out of it. I believe in you x

[gettingtired]

Thank you so much for the support Hawthorn. You’re so very kind xx

[Newyear2021]

I haven’t told anyone what I’m going through I’ve been dealing with this for just over (detail removed by Moderator) years now

[gettingtired]

Hi it’s been a long time for me and I totally understand how hard it is. I still haven’t yet but I know I’m going to have to soon. Is there any way you can tell them things are bad and you need their support but are not ready to tell them everything yet? I read that abuse thrives in silence and it’s so true xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

Omg! I’m so glad I came across this post. I’m ok exactly the same boat. I’ve never confused in anyone in my family and it’s hard! For some reason (mostly fear) I still feel responsible for him. I hate myself for being so weak but honestly the words just aren’t there. I have no way of even starting to tell them what’s happened/happening. It’s isolating and confusing isn’t it?

I’m so afraid that he will find out that I’ve spoken to anyone that it’s enough to keep quiet. Even when he was arrested I couldn’t say a word!

[gettingtired]

Hey I can relate to the feeling of responsibility too. I still also feel guilty for exposing him whoch is wrong because of all the horrible things he’s put me through and never cared.
Could you trust your family to not tell him or anyone if you confided in them? To give you time to sort yourself out and leave (if leaving is what you want to do). As I said above, I read on here that abuse thrives in silence and it’s so true! Xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

I have left, but it hasn’t stopped him.

[Sunshines]

I have this problem I can’t tell my friends anything about it. I’m too embarrassed to admit I’ve been such a complete walk over.

My family have been sick of it for some time too as I’ve broken up so many times and gone back.

That’s why I came on here I can talk freely about the abuse no judgement and get advice.

I’ve broken up with him now and this time I’m absolutely done. I’ve never felt such determination to get rid of something so bad for me.
I’m very angry too ! What angers me the most is I got myself into a position where I’ve let someone completely rip me to shreds.
Come on here and have a good old rant we understand. Xx

[Author]

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