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I’m really confused as to whether I cause my partners angry outbursts or not,he acts nice one minute and gets so angry the next,I’ve had things thrown at me and he’s got right up in my face,I get told I’m like every other woman he has been with if I say that he should leave,I get called so many names,he won’t leave and I’m so scared to reach out for help as everyone sees him as a nice person, I’ve tried talking to him and explaining that he scares me but it just has no effect,I’m sure he gaslight me too,I could just do with some advice..
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Hi, so sorry you are in this position. No one should be scared of the person who is in their life. Have you read any books on the subject? ‘Living with a dominator’ is a good one and books by Lundy Bancroft have opened my eyes to how I am treated.
Reach out to your local woman’s aid group and try and confide in someone you trust. You may be surprised to find not all around you thinks he is amazing.
The advice and support from everyone on here has made a huge difference to me, just knowing their is someone to listen regardless of how trivial the issue seems has given me hope for the future.
I hope you find answers that help you. Take care. Xx -
No you don’t cause his angry outbursts. He’s responsible for his own behaviour and he chooses to behave this way with you. You even say that everyone sees him as a nice person. That’s because he only abuses you when there are no witnesses. He calculates this. It’s deliberate. There’s no pint in confronting him and abusers never admit guilt. They always blame others and he will gaslighting and twist everything round. I once told my husband that I was scared of him and he laughed. He’s intimidating you by throwing things and getting in your face. No wonder you’re scared. There’s nothing you can do. You could be the most perfect partner and he would just make something up to abuse you. To justify his abuse. Contact your local women’s aid for help with a safe exit plan. Don’t tell him you’re ending things as this is the most dangerous time for a woman. Ring 999 if you feel threatened. You can speak to the domestic abuse police for advice too. Abuse always gets worse. We are all responsible for our own actions and there is never an excuse for domestic abuse x
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Also recommend both the books mentioned. They really made it clear to me about how these men use their behaviours and convince us the fault is with us. It is not. I promise you if you educate yourself in this tricky subject you will find you view things very differently. It was a proper lightbulb moment for me at least. Stay safe x
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Hi Tinkerbell2
Sounds just like mine a few years ago, he did everything you said. Right up in my face, bulging cold and angry eyes, shouting, spitting at me, swearing calling me all sorts of horrible things, throwing stuff at me and going to punch me but always missing so as not to leave a lasting mark. Clever!!
You’ll notice the nice bit gets less and less and the ‘moodiness’ increases as he becomes more volatile. I tried so hard to make everything perfect to placate him, but whatever I did would be wrong and then he’d add another rule or change the rules I thought I’d learned and done well at so they no longer mattered. It was sick!
When we ‘split up’ with a lot of help from the criminal justice system even friends we’d had for decades could not believe it of him, he was so charming, outside the house and car, he was a super Dad and amazing husband and we had everything it seemed to them but when no-one was around he was monstrous, but no-one saw so no-one knew. But it got worse and worse and more frequent. I wasted years because I was too scared to leave him. Turns out I was right to be afraid.
I used to read those 2 books too under the duvet when he was asleep and they really helped me to understand his tactics. If you can call the helpline or the live chat. The lovely ladies helped me to understand things better at every stage. It is him not you, every day he has a choice to be a decent human being but that doesn’t help him fill the void so he chooses to use power and control to scare, confuse and manipulate you and keep you on your toes to weaken your fear mechanism. Each time he establishes a new ‘norm’and it will keep getting worse. It isn’t you, you sound like a decent person, you’ve tried to tell him you feel scared, someone who loves you would respond to that and feel awful about it.
He has no right to treat you like this. Knowledge is power, contact Women’s Aid, read the books if you can, find info online, like the Freedom Programme and on twitter. He is on his own in this, you have an army behind you in us and we are fierce, and also kind!!!
Stay safe though especially with your tech and phone. Keep playing the game too in my experience, they will increase tactics if they feel things are different. mine kept saying he couldn’t put his finger on it but I was up to something, I was actually doing the freedom programme in secret and it was helping me rebuild my self esteem and realise I was worth something to the world. The first 6 weeks I went to the programme I couldn’t even say I’d like a cup of tea when I was offered one because I didn’t feel I deserved someone making one for me. It took me a while to understand I wasn’t mad, an idiot, useless, ugly or as vile as he said.
It was so hard to get through recent months and I still have ups and downs as my brain and body processes the trauma I went through with my ex. I’m doing the recovery toolkit programme (which follows the freedom programme once you’re out for a bit) and I have met someone amazing, who respects me, who helps me out with things, I can talk to him about stuff and have fun with him and share the things I like to do as well as the things he likes to do, he looks at me with kind, soft eyes and says I am good at stuff, and nice things like I am beautiful, gentle, funny and smart. We challenge each other too in a healthy way and that is so refreshing! It feels so different to what I had before.
There is life on the other side.
take care x
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