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    • #48851
      anotherlife
      Participant

      I’ve been married many years with 2 children. If it wasn’t for the children, I would be strong enough to get out of this but it affects us all and I’m trying to keep them out of it for now.
      I have physical health issues which affect our life in some ways but my pain has changed me over the years. I think if I had some emotional support, I would feel stronger and able to cope with it more, but I manage very well and better than many could. But my husband has a stressful job with long hours and he has also changed, much more than me I think.
      Often life is fine, just apart from the fact that I see that I have been treading on eggshells for years. I worry if we’re separated in a shop and we take too long and he’ll moan at us, really silly stuff in the last like how I do things around the house or even things with the washing as he had such a go at me a few years ago because one of his tops hadn’t been washed. I get ‘morning happy’ in a sarcastic voice when I’ve just got up sometimes just because he feels like having a go. I get comments like ‘been taking too many pills, making you stupid!’ (I only take my medication for my physical issues, which is only 2 per day, I don’t take drugs or drink). He made a comment last week about 2 single dads that we know having a better life, when we passed them in their to the pub. I thought having his family would be a better life than that?
      He’s hard on the kids, but while he’s been horrible to me the last week, he’s been nicer to them. He makes issues often that needn’t happen. I’m happier when he works away than when he is here.
      He’s ok in some ways but another character underneath. He provides for us well but that doesn’t make it all ok.
      Anyway, we’ve had a stressful time lately with me having a operation. Less than a few months ago, so he’s had to do more school runs and a few clubs. Not that much more really.
      But after a few things one weekend, he didn’t speak to me for almost a week. when he decided he would, it was snappy and sarcastic. I don’t know if he’ll be calmer today when he gets in today. He told me last week after he put his tea in the bin a few days (just to be awkward)that he’d do his own from now. Nothing like making sure the kids notice! I can’t work until I’m better so I think he thinks I’m sat at home all day doing nothing.
      I just felt last week that I’d finally had enough. It feels like every time he’s like it, he is knocking away little parts of us and there isn’t much left. I don’t even like him a lot of the time, I don’t like the person he has become. I would not make any snap decisions but I can’t do this for another 30 years.
      I’m so weepy today and trying to keep it under control so the kids don’t see. I think we need to see someone as a mediator or something so we can get our issues out but he would never agree to this. I don’t think the children really notice anything and I’m sure it would break their hearts. He knows I have no one in my family who could help out with money and I was made redundant a few months ago. I feel like he feels so in charge of everyone that no one should ever question him. There aren’t many men in our family (none in my immediate family) and it’s like he feels he must be the boss. He drives like an idiot & when he took me to a few appointments soon after my op, he must have known it was hurting me with all the racing about and corners.
      I can see it is all control and power. I just don’t know what to do. I wonder if we just don’t understand each other anymore.

    • #48854
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi Anotherlife,

      Welcome to the forum and I’m sorry to hear what you have been experiencing, it sounds like he is very emotionally abusive. These men are all so similar, I wasn’t married to my ex but I can relate to your post with the sarcastic comments, silent treatment, sexist attitude towards women, trying to isolate you, driving too fast etc. How horrible that he made the comment about the single dads, my ex used to make lots of subtle and not so subtle put-downs too. They all have these warped, outdated, dysfunctional views about women and relationships.

      Google the Power and Control wheel and Cycle of Abuse. Give the helpline a ring if you haven’t already as they are amazingly helpful and can discuss your options. There are also local domestic abuse services which sometimes run helplines too, very useful if you can’t get through to the main national one. Keep going, keep posting and accessing the support you are entitled to.

    • #48856
      bunsandcakes
      Participant

      Im so sorry to hear you are having a bad time, poor health and lack of sleep makes everything so much worse. I think you should go and speak directly with your local branch of womens aid. They really helped me sift through what was and wasnt abuse. It opened my eyes and changed everything for me. I left a year later. Whatever you decide, know you have the strength internally to carry on. You will do right by your kids. Your kids shouldnt bare witness to this petty bitching and moaning he seems to be putting you through. Do reach out and get support, there are lots of drop in services or you can call the helplines. It DOES make a difference.

    • #48871
      Ruby2shoes
      Participant

      I’m so sorry to hear this. Your circumstances are different to mine but I can wholly relate to the abuse you’re experiencing it sounds identical to all the feelings I’ve been having. I’ve experienced it for many many years and am only just starting to wake up to the fact. I’m finding reading the posts on here incredibly supportive and helpful. Ring woman’s aid I’ve only rang them once myself for the first time last week but already I’m feeling like I’m starting to take back a bit of control. My circumstances are extremely complex and I’m still trying to process everything that’s happened to me and find a way forward. I don’t know what the answer is yet but you’ve taken the right step in coming here.

    • #48874
      anotherlife
      Participant

      Thank you to you all. It helps so much to log in and have a few kind replies there. I will call sometime today and get some advice. It’s amazing how easy it is for them to mess with you head. I can tell he’s feeling sorry for himself as he has to help out after my op, when in fact, it was a lot less than we originally expected. I don’t know what happened to us supposedly being a team, this is the longest it has carried in without being resolved and I really feel he’s taking his work stresses out on me now. He’s made plans for an evening on a few weeks when he was going to come to one of our children’s parents evenings – petty and selfish.
      Enough about that anyway. Thank you again to you all and wishing you strength too x

    • #48899
      endoftherainbow
      Participant

      I don’t know what to do……
      Today I found out that my ex, had been in prison before meeting me, for assault/rape/attempted murder…he also used to hit his children. I knew nothing of this when we met, he proceeded to make my life hell for the next (detail removed by Moderator) odd years. My eldest child also told me he would verbally abused her while I was at work and use threats of violence towards me to keep her quiet. Iv found out about three previous partners that he abused, all kept silent by fear and threats, I don’t know how to deal with this information, I feel like iv been hit by a train. The whole of our life together built on lies, he shouldn’t be allowed to walk the earth, he’s ruined so many lives, and destroyed childhoods, IM free of him now and our children have no contact, but im so angry and don’t know how to process all the feelings and thoughts swilling round in my head,

    • #48903
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi endoftherainbow,

      Just wanted to offer you some support. What an awful thing to learn, I’m so sorry you and your children experienced this. Give the helpline a call if you haven’t already. It is staffed by wonderful kind, wise women who can help you plan your next steps such as reporting him to the police, or just talk about what happened. It sounds like counselling would really help you process everything.

      You are experiencing shock and trauma, be kind to yourself, take it each day, hour, minute at a time and do what you need to do to feel safe and calm. Let the emotions come up and feel them rather than blocking them. You have had a horrendous experience but you will be ok and there is life on the other side of abuse, a good life you and your children can now have. Perhaps if you and the other ex partners joined together you could get him sent down for his crimes but you can think about that when the time comes, the helpline and your local domestic abuse team will be able to give you the best advice on steps to take.

    • #48947
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Another Life,

      Just to offer my support. Your partner is definitely emotionally and mentally abusive, throwing his weight around and thinking he’s justified in speaking down to you.

      My ex was like your partner. It’s hard at the time to see it as abuse- you wonder if it’s your fault, you make excuses for them ( ‘Maybe they are just having a bad day’), but they are treating you without respect or kindness, thinking that they are entitled to do so.

      Don’t minimise the power of these cutting remarks of his to affect your peace and self-esteem. How I wish that I had protected myself more. There’s no reason why we should have to feel intimidated or anxious in our own home.

      You say that the kids probably don’t notice: yes, abusers are very clever at being abusive to their target when there is no one else around to witness it; bit I’m sure the kids pick up on something or will also feel unease at his behaviour.

      I agree with the above advice to call your local Women’s Aid. Getting local support is important. Getting in touch with WA was the best thing so did- it set the ball rolling for all kinds of support.

      We put up with things because they become our ‘normal.’ We don’t always see how much damage these things are really doing to us; for me, my body was telling me how toxic my marriage was, until I couldn’t hide from it anymore. Chronic illness was a big nudge that things weren’t right and had to change. Our health won’t let us put up with it forever. You deserve to live in peace and to be treated with respect. x

    • #48948
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi End of the Rainbow,

      What a shock it must have been for you to hear this.

      It’s too big for you to cope with this news alone. Can you call the Women’s Aid helpline? They could refer you to local help too. You need support to get through such shocking news.

      These abusers are liars and chameleons. They will pretend to be someone they are not, and deny any fault. It’s how they operate. The guilt is all his. Please don’t blame yourself for anything.

      You’re not alone. Keep posting.

      x

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