I just keep trying

[Rose1]

Feeling such a fool. Husband remains mean and abusive. Yet have taken the trouble to try & organise something nice for a (detail removed by Moderator)..even tho I know it would never be done for me. He’s been horrible again (detail removed by Moderator)..gaslighting, swearing at me,the usual. I said why would you behave like this when you know I’ve been trying to organise a nice day for you..swore at me, says he can’t stand my face..its just so hurtful. I know on the day he’ll be charming with family & friends..and noone will know how vile he really is. I’m sitting here looking in at my life and thinking how on earth did I end up here. Constantly trying to pick myself up from the floor

[Lisa]

Hi Rose1,

I am so sorry that he’s treating you in this way. It’s understandable that you would want to create some normality by organising something nice for him and that you’d hope for him to appreciate you. It sounds extremely painful to have put that effort in only to have him be so nasty. Abusers often have that charming public face that adds to the isolation and feeling that you can’t speak up about what’s really going on. If you felt some ongoing emotional support would be helpful, you could reach out to your local domestic abuse service, they will listen and believe you.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Reallyconfused]

Hi Rose1 I did the same – organised a number of events for my husband, paying for it all with my small amount of money (he keeps his money separate from me). No appreciation at all. In fact he fought and fought with me at one event shouting etc. because I wanted to buy a gift for my children. I was in tears all the way back home.
At another event as I was getting ready, he told me I looked like a tramp and stupid in my clothes so I got changed but he was still miserable with me. But he was fun and laughing with everyone and no one could guess what he was really like.
You’re not alone. I too wonder how on earth did I get to this point.
It’s so painful and difficult.
However I understand how he operates now by reading about abusers and I can see “the game”. It doesn’t make it easier but I no longer get so emotionally invested, because what he says is not reality or genuine.
I spent years and years trying to make him happy somehow – looking at his face for any acceptance.
It didn’t happen and I now know it will never happen.
Please look after yourself.

[Sad and alone]

I think it’s only natural to want to do nice things for your life’s partner. The trouble is the things you do are not what they want, or not good enough. Even when I go food shopping I’m thinking of things he’d like. He hasn’t got me anything for Christmas or birthday for years. He stopped because he said he thought he’d spoilt me and that’s why I am the way I am. Whatever that is. But I still get him a couple of things to open. When it’s come up in discussion he says he got me this or that at some other time of the year. Of which I’m grateful for, albeit I never realise at the time these things are specifically for me, but I tried explaining it’s just the thought. Just a box of chocs or something would mean something. Wish I could switch off trying to be normal sometimes!

[Munchkin04]

I feel your pain. It’s sad isn’t it. I too think of him when I go shopping. Even when he has been so vile and nasty. It’s almost like I’m thinking I’ll get him something he likes and it might make it all better. Mug! Shows what normal empathetic people we are. And yet he can shut me out of his life like he’s flicked a switch. And yes it’s so so upsetting knowing and seeing what they are like to the rest of the world. I am so lonely in this relationship and crave what he gives everybody else. Keep strong xx

[Rose1]

Thank you for the supportive comments. It certainly makes me feel less alone. I’m currently sat in the house, he’s in the (detail removed by moderator) asleep having been (detail removed by moderator). Has come back in a vile mood, swearing at me, all the windows and doors are open as it’s a hot day, I feel so humiliated because I know all the neighbours can hear him. Wish getting in my car and driving away was an option. Its my sons (detail removed by moderator) so will once again have to pretend I’m ok

[Author]

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