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    • #117777
      Lovecoffee
      Participant

      Hi, I’m new on here. I’m not sure if this is abuse or I am just extra hormonal from having a baby (detail removed by Moderator) ago.

      I don’t really know where to begin. I guess our problems started roughly (detail removed by Moderator) years ago.
      I started to get suspicious of him because he used to be really secretive of his phone, never really leave it out. Would take it to the bathroom with him. Stuff like that. One night we were having a few drinks and I tried to have a conversation about it and he ended up putting his hands around my neck and squeezing a little bit. He released his hands pretty soon after and to be honest I didn’t really over think about it I just put it down to the fact we were drinking.

      After that incident our relationship improved for about a year. He asked me to marry him and I said yes (we are still engaged). About (detail removed by Moderator) months after our engagement our relationship started to get rocky again. He said he wanted a break. He would come home from work late for no reason. He started to pick fights with me for no reason. Call me horrible names that I’m not sure I’m allowed to write on here. We had an argument in the (detail removed by Moderator) and he hit me over the back of the head. He apologised straight after and again I didn’t really think much of it. (He hasn’t physically attacked me since then)

      I had strong suspicions at this point that he was cheating, which he denied. He would say I was crazy and then I would feel crazy even though I pretty much knew he was cheating just didn’t have the proof.

      A few months later he had left his email logged in on the computer and thats when I found the proof he was cheating. I found a text conversation he had saved onto his email. He was having an emotional affair with his work colleague. I approached him about it. We argued and he tried to deny it but eventually came clean. He said it was just an emotional affair and that he would end it. We went to couples counselling as I decided to
      forgive him. I’m not sure why I forgave him as I’m pretty sure he lied about a lot of things during this time.

      Fast forward to now. Some days he is lovely and we get on great. Then he turns nasty. Calls me horrible names. Blames me for anything that goes wrong. If the house is messy or I don’t do something the way he wants it to be done he will call me lazy. Even though I am looking after a young baby during the day and don’t have time. If I ask to speak to him about our relationship he will be fine for awhile then get angry saying oh just leave if you’re not happy. He always finds a way to twist what I say. If I say I’m not happy with the names you call me he just has a way of making me feel like it’s my fault that I have aggravated him in some way. Also a few times when we have argues he has come towards me with a fist raised as if to hit me but then steps back and sort of laughs about it in a jokey way.

      To be honest now that I’m writing this I don’t even feel like it’s that bad and I feel a bit silly. I would love to know you’re opinions. Am I over reacting. Has anyone got any advice on how to make the relationship better.

      I’m sorry about the long post. Thank you for reading it and I hope it makes sense.

    • #117779
      Hetty
      Participant

      I’m so sorry to read what you’ve been going through. What I would say is that you can’t make these types of relationships better, these men just change the goal posts. The number one aim is to keep you one down I order to keep themselves feeling ok. You could be mother Theresa and they find fault, look elsewhere for attention etc. When we are living in the abuse we make excuses. It took me years to see what was going on and wake up to the realities. Keep posting. Keep a journal and watch patterns emerge. This is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. X

    • #117787
      Eve1
      Participant

      Hi Lovecoffee,

      This definitely is abuse. That first incident you describe happened to me too, many years before I left. We were arguing and green he did that. I was stunned, he probably apologised but though the were no bruises I could feel a kind of internal bruising on my throat fur weeks after. It was the only physically violent thing he did and I made nothing of it really until many years last when I was taking to Womens Aid as I’d begun to realise how abusive he was in other ways, that I remembered this incident. Accused doi this a a kind of test to ser what you’ll put up with, and also as a watching to toy off what happens if toy sto out of line. Also my ex would never really want to talk about the relationship and get angry if I did.

      What I’m saying is, although the may be times in between incidents even he is nice, that does not excuse the abuse. It definitely is abuse and it he won’t change. Can you disk to Women’s Aid and get done support and clarity? You deserve peace and happiness for yourself and your baby.

      Eve
      x

    • #117788
      Eve1
      Participant

      ** green = then
      Accused = Abusers
      disk = speak

      Sorry about typos!

      Eve
      x

    • #117796
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      You are making perfect sense. You are not over-reacting and you are certainly not silly. This is very bad. He is abusing you. You dont deserve it and it’s not your fault.

      Well done for reaching out, these men cause such confusion in our minds so we struggle to identify what’s happening and put up with their dreadful behaviour. He may well be charming in between incidents, he’ll be just nice enough to keep you in the relationship and just mean enough to keep you in line and under control. He has made you fearful of his violence and so now he just needs to threaten it to get the result he wants.

      Reach out to womens aid, you deserve and need the support. Do not confront him. It is a dangerous time for a woman when she starts to see what’s behind the mask of respectability.

      Take care and reach out. Sending hugs xx

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