1st January 2021 at 7:29 pm #118898TheAnonymousWomanParticipant
So I posted here about a month ago I think and in that time me and my partner (who I shall call J) have been back together and split up about (detail removed by Moderator) times. It’s forever the same pattern.
Something happens he doesn’t like -> He leaves -> He comes back and cries, telling me he loves me and that he’s sorry.
Recently, he came back into my life days after leaving me again, telling me he was in love with me and that he was sorry. He said he recognized that he has abusive and n**********c qualities but that isn’t what he is. He said I have helped him realize the bad qualities in him and he’s going to work hard to change them. This is the first time he has ever admitted to anything like this, so we spoke about taking it slow.
My ex (who I am friends with because we have a child together) called the police asking for advice on how to help me because everyone in life can seem to see how abusive he is and J freaked out and said he wanted space. I have a fear of abandonment and it kicked it and it lead to J claiming that I was being selfish and that he would rather be single and focus on being a father.
I can’t tell you the amount of times he has told me he wants to be on his own, only for him to come back into my life and tell me he still loves me.
It sounds ridiculous but I miss him. Why is it he treats me so poorly and I still love him?
I know he will turn up again and I’m scared. Not of him hurting me, but of him crying. Of the look on his face when he gets sad that just makes me want to take care of him.
I want this to stop.
1st January 2021 at 8:55 pm #118905HettyParticipant
I’m so sorry you are going through this. How horrible it must feel to be on that emotional rollercoaster with this man. You know the answer to your question. You’ve said you have a fear of abandonment. I recognise this is in myself too. I had a difficult childhood and it led me to accept scraps of love as an adult. Research co-dependency, it might resonate with you. I’ve watched a lot of YouTube videos and it makes sense to me. Leaving my ex husband brought back a lot of fears in me. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself.
None of this is your fault. These men sniff out insecurities and prey on them. We all have them. In a healthy partnership we flourish. These men destroy us to make themselves feel better. Nothing we do is good enough. This is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him xx
1st January 2021 at 9:27 pm #118910HawthornParticipant
You poor thing, you are deeply trauma bonded to him. It’s how they trap us in the abuse. We are physically addicted to the highs and lows caused by fluctuating stress hormones in our bodies due to the abuse.
There is a fine line between loving something and being miserable without it in your life. If you were addicted to heroin, you would be miserable without it. But that doesnt mean you love heroin. You might hate heroin and the fact it’s making your life miserable. But still, you will be miserable immediately after you quit it. And when you do feel miserable, you think maybe I do love heroin, why else would I feel so bad without it?
The mind is in pain when you remove something it is addicted to (in this case an abuser) and will want to do anything to get it back.
None of this is your fault. He created this addiction in you through the continual push and pull of abuse, abandoning you, then hoovering you back up. You deserve so much better. Keep reaching out for support, only you can decide when it’s time for you to kick this addiction. You have the power xx
2nd January 2021 at 5:32 pm #118945EmpoweredhealingParticipant
You explained it so well Hawthorn. Abuse create a physiological addiction. Leaving an abuser takes more than an act of will. It’s beyond that. It takes education, preparation, trial and error, support and validation from other survivors and professionals.
My ex used to threaten to leave every time he’s confronted with his behavior. It’s his way of avoiding taking responsibility for his abusiveness. It also works as a tool of coercive control. Threatening the possibility of ending the relationship some time get him what he wants. But when I would call his bluff and really start the process of leaving him, then he comes back with the tears, guilt, minimizing etc…
Please continue to reach out for support and gather more information about the psychology of abuse. You’ll have to free your mind from him then physical freedom will happen
2nd January 2021 at 7:51 pm #118952GreenSapphireParticipant
I’m going to come at this from a slightly different angle. It’s not that I don’t agree with the other ladies and what they’ve said, it’s more that I can see from what you’ve written in your initial post that actually you do have some understanding of what is going on with you and what is going on with him, I think it’s important that’s recognised and you give yourself a pat on the back for having the insight.
Your question was why do you still love him when he treats you so poorly? Excellent point, you recognise that this is not how it should be. We aren’t counsellors on this forum and we can’t give you information that is specific to your situation but i’ll take a leap of faith and ask… Why have you allocated yourself as the person to rescue him? He’s a grown up man and we know that grown-ups are meant to be able to be in charge of themselves, that’s why we differentiate between children and adults. He isn’t a child. He’s a fully grown man. As someone once said to me as I was removing the fish bones from my fully adult grown-up boyfriend’s fish in a restaurant in public: ‘Who are you? Florence Nightingale?’ It was a good point wasn’t it, I mean, why on earth was taking over the role of nurse and mother to my grown-up boyfriend who was a father himself?
Food for thought x No-one wants or needs a child for a partner, as lovely as children are x
3rd January 2021 at 8:24 am #118968GreenSapphireParticipant
I would like to add, if the father of your child is in contact with the police over your relationship with your current abusive partner, then perhaps he has safeguarding concerns over your child being in the same environment as this man. I don’t know all the details but I think this may be something to think about.
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