I know I need to leave but I cant

[weeme]

I’m in a loving relationship that at times is physically abusive. My partner was sexually abused (detail removed by moderator) in his teenage years. He has very serious anger management issues. He is a bit controlling which I always thought was just very organised. I have lost my relationships with friends and family as I know I will end up telling them what he does to me. And this will only make him more angry. He kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night with my  (age removed by moderator) son on one occasion in a rage.

My ex husband (my sons father) has reported this to social services and they are now involved. However he has told (warned) me to say as little as possible. Their involvement prompted him to go to the doctor for help. He is now on medication to calm him and has booked in with an anger management programme  (detail removed by moderator).

He has also moved out of our family home (detail removed by moderator). He spends the day with us and leaves at night. he is only physically violent when he drinks so has promised to stop drinking.

I have been strangled, headbutted, thrown across rooms, knocked out, punched in the head and knocked out so many times, tipped out of the bed and basically terrified when he is drunk and angry. he smashed a mirror and screwed up my fone in front of me so I couldn’t call anyone. he has made so many threats to smash my face in and kill me and other people I have lost count. He never gets this way when he is sober and is kind, generous, loving and very funny. He is a wonderful person when there is no drink involved.

However there is a pattern to his abuse as I know he did the same or similar to his ex wife. Social services were also involved there and his children were on the child protection register. His daughter now lives with us.

I love his so much and know if he stops drinking, takes his medication and follows through with his treatments he should be ok. (detail removed by moderator). I really want this to work but I know he could go too far and kill me if he doesn’t stop drinking 🙁

I feel totally lost and confused!

[Poodlepower]

I can see some similarities between your experiences of abuse and my own. I loved my partner with all my heart but in the end I had to protect myself and get away.

Emotional damage-the pain of losing a man you love- is so, so hard to deal with it, but in time you will heal. Physical damage however may not heal. You could even lose your life.

You’re a compassionate woman and feel compelled to help and protect those you love. Please include yourself in those people you need to protect. Love yourself enough to keep yourself safe.

My advice would be to leave your relationship as you’re in danger.

Thinking of you x

[weeme]

I really want to reach out to my social worker as I know it will end things but just feel like I’m not ready to let him go. I’m trying really hard to picture life without him but just cant at the moment.

One minute I picture all the abuse and tell myself I need it to be over before he breaks me. Remembering the words he said threatening to kill me. The angry threatening faces and body language he uses. Than I picture all the happier times and just get so sad confused and feel lost. Then I tell myself….one more time and its over….but feel so so silly remembering how many times I have told myself this.

I wish there was a pill we could take to stop loving them 🙁

[Poodlepower]

I know exactly how you feel.
I gave mine lots of chances but it always happened again. Mine was a secret drinker-he hid alcohol in a room that I wasn’t allowed to go in. He often appeared drunk but told me it was his anti anxiety medication that made his speech slurred. When he was violent to me in this state he would always say he had “blacked out” but he was often violent towards me when he was definitely sober.
Our happy times were amongst the happiest I’ve ever had in a relationship. He was kind, loving, funny and showed me a lot of love. But he was hugely controlling and this led me to talk about either working on that or separating. He then began to get violent and would pin me down to stop me leaving.
A couple of months before I left him for good, i escaped the house in the middle of the night after he’d thrown me into the bed, clawed at my face. I turned up at my parents home bruised and scratched. Still I wouldn’t call police. I went back. I told him the next time the police would be called.
There was a next time, he dragged me around the floor and bit me on the face. All because I said he owed me an apology for the way he had been treating me.
I went to the police and made a statement . He was arrested and given bail conditions that he come nowhere near me.

I cry for the loving man I miss and would give anything to have him back….but I know he would come with the “other” him and I couldn’t live in fear, watching everything I did and said in case he became violent.
I have a child too, although she’s grown up and didn’t live with us. When I left, I kept thinking “do it for her.” Losing her mum would have destroyed her.
I also have to do it for myself. I needed to see myself as a person who needed protection too.

Don’t put your needs last. You’ve stood by this man for a long time and put his needs before your own. It’ll break your heart to leave, but it’ll mend. Your body may not mend so well. Please don’t live in fear any more xx

[Ayanna]

You are trying to minimize the abuse and at the same time you are aware that he could kill you.

I think you do not have any choice here as there are children involved.

You must get out and social services are right to to be on this.

You do what all of us did and do: you protect the abuser.
But… he is an adult with capacity. If he decides to drink it his decision. He is fully responsible for his actions.

Leave him as soon as you can or get an occupation order so that he has to leave.
There is no way you can live with him when you have underage kids living with you.

Stay strong and keep posting.

[Lisa]

Hi Weemee,

I just want to show you some support. Well done for posting such a brave and honest post. I am sorry to read about your situation. Your abuser sounds very violent and dangerous. I would recommend that you try to find a safe time to phone the helpline. They can do a risk assessment with you and talk to you about your options. You and your children deserve to feel happy and safe and as long as he is in your life I don’t believe you are going to be able to be. Please open up to the social worker about what you are experiencing. They will help you and so will your local Women’s Aid group. Please give the helpline a ring and let us know how you get on.

Kind regards,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Chickadee]

Hi Weemee.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. And your writing is very straightforward and honest. I understand your desire to be with and the love you have for your husband, but you and your children are in a very dangerous situation.
Yours and your children’s safety comes first
Please contact the helpline. Get out. I understand that you feel it is just his drinking causing him to be this way and maybe with the right help that will be resolved and things will work out in the future. But you and the kids must be alive, healthy, and safe for that to happen.

Prayers are with you!

Chickadee

[weeme]

Wow, thank you al so so much for your down to the bone replies. I am trying to rummage up the courage I need, although its difficult. Everything I read here is giving me another bit of strength and I live with the hope that I can follow through and leave as soon as possible.

I have my benefits sorted and have the money hidden away. I’m hoping the social workers find out about his past and tell him he cant be at home. Its a bit of an opt out on my part but its my first hope. Other than that I will save save save and leave without him knowing.

He came back after a (Detail removed by moderator) this morning, I’m at work and kids are at school so there is no danger. Although he said are the kids at home on (Detail removed by moderator) night? he said the football is on and he wouldn’t mind a beer or two!!! I felt sick to my stomach instantly. I’m hoping the social worker calls to the house today and tells him he cant stay. Hes under the impression he is home for the weekend 🙁

Dear universe give me the strength and courage I need!

[Poodlepower]

Doesn’t sound like he’s going to give up alcohol completely and that’s what he needs to do.

Could you go to the police and report him for his assaults on you? I did this eventually and the police were very good at taking care of me and my safety. I know it’s a big step and very scary, but if it helps step outside yourself and imagine this was happening to someone you love. You’d do anything to protect them, yes? Well, that person you love and need to protect is you.
Any police action will be due to HIS actions and not YOUR fault for reporting.

He seems to get that he can’t drink in front of the kids but he must know that when he drinks he’s a danger to you. So in drinking, or planning to drink, he’s putting

[Poodlepower]

Sorry, pressed “send” before I was ready! I was going to say, I’m continuing to see drinking alcohol as even a possibility, he is making a choice to put you in danger.

Please take care of yourself x*x

[Author]

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