I know it is abuse but need advice.

[loveactually]

This is my first post and will try and keep it short.
I have been in a abusive relationship with my husband for many years.
I first noticed his contolling ways early in the relationship but at first found it flattering because my ex partner was very laid back and did,nt really show me much attention.
I found myself always trying to keep him happy because he would fly into a sulk if he did not get his way, even to the point I let him move into my house With my (removed by moderator) daughter and myself (removed by moderator) just to keep him happy. At first it was good but then he started costantly moaning about my daughter. He hated her bringing friends round and then eventually resented my daughter being there. It caused many arguments and I am ashamed to admit when my daughter was legally old enough to move out to live with friends I sort of welcomed it. It is a decision I will regret till the day I die, I chose a evil manipulater over my only child.
We have had a very up and down relationship he is very jealous and often accuses me of having affairs and doesnt like me going anywhere without him so it easier to not bother. If I mention the fact that I cannot go anywhere he says it is me who will not let him go anywhere.
He hates me using my phone and even hates the fact I am learning (removed by moderator) online.
My other problem is he is a heavy drinker and heavy smoker. And my evenings constist of him getting drunk and trying to cause arguments, again he says its me who starts. He will talk through every program I watch swearing and shouting at the TV and making racist comments just to wind me up. My dog starts to shake and keeps running from one to the other has if to keep the peace. If my daughter visit with her husband and my grandson he makes it unpleasent and hates it if I laugh with my son in law or have any physical conntact with him such has a hug or a quick peck on the cheek.
In the evening when he is drinking and smoking he goes (removed by moderator), on a couple of occasion I heard him talking angrily to himself so I decided to secretly record him. When I played back the recordings I was horrified. Its like he is having a conversation with me or my daughter. It is filled with so much hate and he threatens to kill me on many occasions in very gory ways. He says I am having a affair with  (removed by moderator) and he has footage of me (removed by moderator). He says I am fat and stink and I am stealing off him. He hums to himself and its sounds very manic, he also sings and changes the words to crude things. Sex is a nightmare, I do not want him to touch me but somtimes have to give in for a peaceful life. I have gone through the menopause and are not sure if I have lost my sex drive or if its just him.
I have decided to leave and have applied to the local council. I will be walking away from a lot but I think it is worth it. I would appreciate any feedback.

[Wants To Help]

Hi loveactually,

Well done for recognising this abuse and deciding you want out of this marriage and are actively seeking to do so. I was able to read your post before it was redacted so I understand all of what you wrote.

There is a lot of abuse that you have described, some of which you seem to have some evidence of.

One of my worries is that the Council may not put you on a priority list for rehousing as you will be leaving alone and do not have young children. You mention that your husband moved in with you very early on in the relationship so is this actually your house? If so, do you own it with a mortgage or do you rent it? With the recorded messages of him describing ways to kill you it is worth speaking to a solicitor about getting an Occupation Order to have him removed from the home, or even speaking to the police about the recordings you have. Does he have any mental health issues going on too? This is not an excuse for him to abuse you but it could be grounds to raise the level of risk you are at. Going off and ranting to himself out loud how he would like to kill you is not normal behaviour at all. Factor this in with the heavy drinking too and it is all very concerning. Is he smoking normal cigarettes or cannabis? If he’s smoking drugs then this does make some people have paranoia which could be why he believes you are having an affair and he has a video of certain footage (which I presume doesn’t exist?)

If neither of these options are ones that you wish to go down and you’d rather leave the house that is absolutely your choice and right, I just didn’t know if you were aware of other options available so that you may not have to be the one to leave?

Once you are away from him you can start to process it all and get the support to deal with any incidents that you have guilt over. I also have an incident I feel guilty about regarding my son. When I was with my abuser I left my son in a certain situation rather than take him out of it as I feared the reaction of my abuser if I was to take action. This did leave my son at risk for a short time and I can’t believe now that I allowed that, but when you are living under threat and unpredictable behaviour we don’t always act as we should. You are not the first person who has put their abuser before their child at all.

Now that you actively want to leave I do hope that this gets resolved soon and that you find somewhere you can go to or you can get him out.

xx

[Anonymous]

Loveactually, welcome to the forum, I’m so glad you decided to end this relationship all the trauma he’s putting you through sounds like sheer hell, if you spoke to women’s aid they would put you in a refuge where you would be a priority for rehousing (if you wanted to keep the dog some have connections to charity shelters) but you honestly can’t live like that anymore and it does take a lot to leave so you’ve done amazing to make that decision. Refuges offer support from the workers in there for the aftercare of the situation (it won’t fix everything) but it will help for support, sometimes people have an assumption about refuges and the 2 I’ve been in we’re really nice places, some of the girls were nice and some not so but that’s general life for you, please keep in touch to let us know how you get on with hopes of a better new year 💜💞💜

[Author]

Posts