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    • #83273
      Camel
      Participant

      Hello

      Despite coming to terms with the controlling abuse, over the last year or so I’ve felt the urge to contact a couple of his exes (before me.)

      Instinctively I know this is a bad idea otherwise I would have done it. But I still keep weighing up the dos and don’ts. I’m not sure I understand exactly want I want to achieve.

      Sometimes it’s to discuss shared experiences and maybe reassure myself that it wasn’t just me that suffered (so definitely not my fault.)

      I want to see for myself that these women are good people and not like he described – even the ex he had an affair with was likely another victim. I want them to know I don’t blame them for anything and tell them sorry for sometimes hating them.

      I want to defend myself to them against the things he no doubt said about me. (Although I don’t know why I care. And why should they even remember me?)

      The thing that mostly stops me making contact is looking like the crazed b*tch after all. Maybe they weren’t abused, or if they were, maybe they’ve never recognised it.

      One ex always kept minimal contact with him, limited to shared custody arrangements for their children. In over (detail removed by moderator) years we never once had a direct conversation. It used to bother me that she’d leave us on the doorstep when we collected or dropped off the kids (after a long drive) but now I think she was protecting herself. It wasn’t me she was keeping out, it was him. I used to feel diminished around her and now I wonder what she really thought of me.

      Another thing that stops me is the risk that he could still be in their lives. And if they let something slip it’ll be like letting him back in, or make him think he he still has some control over my thoughts. But truly, none of this is about him.

      Just getting my thoughts out has made it clear that every reason I’ve given is a selfish one. Time moves on and it would be cruel of me to drag them back to a (possibly) dark place.

      Does anyone understand why I should be having these thoughts? Have any of you made contact like this and what happened?

      Thank you for listening x

    • #83280
      KIP.
      Participant

      I had those thoughts but you seemed to have worked it out for yourself. My ex first wife used to keep us at the door. In fact she used to put their daughter out the door and shut it quickly. Looking back you and I both know why this was happening. His ex also banned him from phoning her. It all had to be done in letters. Big clue there. That was decades ago. You don’t need their validation. You know deep down they all suffered as you did. Maybe more and maybe less but he’s still the same man in every relationship he has. Just be glad you walked away without him totally destroying you x

    • #83286
      Camel
      Participant

      Thank you KIP. That made tears prickle, being truly understood. Coming to this site I’m been constantly astounded that my particular experience was not unique. (Even teeny incidents like being kept on the doorstep!)

      I battled through the worst of it alone so this community is a lucky find. It’s beyond sad that there’s so much suffering but, here at least, there’s always someone who’ll truly understand. Thank you x

      I definitely won’t be contacting them. One particular comment you made really made me think – that their suffering may have been more or less than mine. I honestly hadn’t ever had this thought! Even more reason not to get in touch. It’s so clear that we’d end up ‘grading’ our suffering – a bottomless well of new trauma to dredge.

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