I know myself…

[Hazydayz]

Hello everyone, be warned…this is a long one! Again! Lol. But, worth sticking through, worth a read maybe? if your interested in alternative thinking? Yesterday, I decided I would call a support line,for some much needed support. I had put it off for too long! not deliberately, but because everyday… life just swept me past the thought to make that call. I needed some answers? An understanding of what feelings I was trying to process. My life isn’t all about DV and abuse that I get from being in this marriage, there’s other complex stuff I try to juggle too. I wish it was just less uncomplicated, but it is what it is. I don’t struggle to talk as you may well have noticed here Lol 😂 Im splitting my sides being honest with myself about that! although, back to being serious for a moment…I know my needing to let things out and my talking/writing a lot is an indicator of my need to unravel all, that I’m storing inside. My anxiety release! I want to thankyou all here for taking the time to read my stuff if you do, I know some of you do as I’ve had some lovelies reply to me. Thankyou so much for your support when I’ve needed it. I see that we are all here with our own issues and we are all trying to find possible answers or support and advice, I acknowledge that and I’m so grateful, as I guess we all are that we have this shared space to meet virtually. It allows us an outlet, of our mixed emotions. Importantly, here we can identify or partly identify? With others here who have or have had? same or similar experiences and we can try together to make sense of it all, hopefully? I think that’s how a lot of us feel don’t we? So…having said that I will now… get back to my phone call. If your reading this and asking yourself…what support line? You might also be thinking?…come on!stop waffling!😂 Hurry up and get to with it! I’m getting to it now! I spoke to an easily available source of talking therapy, which is…Cruse bereavement councelling. I did this because genuinely, the support they offer to people, is at this time part of what I’m going through and affected by. The need to understand why my life has so suddenly and unexpectedly been complicated by another form of misery, some sort of grief? I don’t understand? that’s causing more pain within me. I’m thinking now at this point, if your reading this and suddenly thought… oh…this doesn’t apply to me, then hold on! But yes, I’m happy for you. If you are not affected by grief or haven’t experienced bereavement that causes feelings of loss and messed up emotions to surface, I’m happy for you. It’s good that you know from this though, that at any time in the future? should you need it? The support is there in that organisation should you need it? and at about the same time as you may be thinking? this doesn’t affect me and your interest begins to wain and you maybe? Thinking to Switch pages… I just want to share with you and everyone here reading this, how much benefit I got from making that phone call yesterday. The lovely lady allowed me to talk, to openly up about my confused emotional state regarding my ex husband’s death (father of my children) and she allowed me the time to explain as much as I could, how it linked in and around other trauma current in my life. I got acknowledged! I got understing! I got some answers! and I learnt that their is nothing wrong with me! The way I express myself, try to heal myself, I’m aware now that I am not over sensitive! The label I have been given so many times in my life! From insensitive people who have not tried to understand my feelings that I try to convey to them when I have felt misunderstood by them or by being caught up in problems or situations with them or others, where I have needed to defend myself and offer my explanation of what’s going/gone on. I have often felt dismissed or treated unfairly by such insensitive people, which can add to loss of belief in oneself. This is a form of abuse that is so often dished out in society and it’s overlooked! It’s become part of society’s norms! You may not have realised this if your not expressing stuff and then being classed as… Over sensitive! as those people, might describe you! If they get the chance! I posted a couple of days ago about abuse and abusers out in society, I don’t think? if I recall now correctly? I got any response to that post, I took that as a positive! No one else here seems to have noticed or feels affected or troubled by the abuse that can exist in dealing with certain abuser types of people outside of here. Different abuse from what is commonly mentioned and shared here I thought. It would be nice to think that no-one has come across that But, sadly, not true I’m sure! I know the abuse that we all read about and identify with thats mentioned here is so much more soul destroying!!! But, given what I have been enlightened with now after talking with the trained councillor who explained to me what she did about perceiving my complex experience throughout my life and then going on to tell me that… about once in every 6 months she tells someone who she listens to, from her hearing what they say and in response to her, how the person expresses their inner emotions, about their experiences. Well, that person is told as I was by her yesterday…you would make an excellent councillor. Me!??? I was both Shocked and humbled! I have so much life experience she said and empathy in the way you express your empathy for others feelings. That sounds like me I thought! And then my reply to her was… I feel what I feel and sometimes wonder why? yes! I have experience, lots of it! My patchwork attempts at mending, applied over my unhealed wounds is admirable! I admit it! But my question… What’s wrong with me? shouldn’t I be healed by now? Sorted at my age? Was my thinking? My patching, it has enabled me to self aid and carry on I told her. I know that we have to! Live on, or…die not trying! isn’t that most people’s attitude? Just hearing those words now…get over it! The balm of sympathy offered so harshly by some unfeeling types. Or delivered differently, by well meaning types as… you’ll get over it! Some of them lovely! But, without knowledge of what your experience has been or is still. So we move on into the future, the next phase of our lives don’t we, some are lucky and get the help and support to aid them. “Don’t make the same mistakes”! we are advised after by people. People who maybe go on to make the same mistakes themselves? It’s what we do…we all make mistakes! Just have to learn from them don’t we. I just want to say here… That conversation I had yesterday with the so openly non judgemental lady immediately at the time and afterwards led me to research what she said…I’m a…highly sensitive person? I feel things and am in tuned to things because of my life experience? More so than others might be, less sensitive people! They don’t see/feel what I have/can. They are not me! So at last now, I understand! It’s ok to feel the way I do! Life is good suddenly…it’s not all doom and gloom! I know what I feel is ok! I am ME! Those around me, the too many… Who try to control me! With their opinions of me and my feelings…The good and the bad! Can just go look at themselves now! I’m Laughing again here at this thought💡… I would think this! Oh No! Now They will have a field day denying that if I tell them I’m a highly sensitive person apparantly, according to an intelligent lady who is trained to see such things in people she talks to, they will laughingly stick with there judgement of me…Over sensitive! And nuts! Thinking it’s ok? Actually, I googled ‘HSP’ and there exists a psychologists theory that indicates, it’s a possible explanation. I have an answer maybe? For some of my stuff! Why? Do I feel what I feel? Who am I? Why do I feel misunderstood? All of my life! What I felt/feel! I’m laughing again, thinking I posted the day before I discovered what I did yesterday and I wasn’t far off… about the insensitive abuser like abuse out there, you get from some, because you want to be seen, heard, accepted. Only it’s not funny really! Is it. What’s that old saying?… Oh yes! Only the strong survive.

[Anonymous]

I think my relationship with my abusive ex was to do with my grief , I lost my dad (detail removed by moderator) ago , he was my best friend , we worked together, lived in same house , went holidays, we were inseparable. I felt guilt in that I couldn’t save him as he lay dying in hospital from (detail removed by moderator), he was always a sick man most of his life , but he was strong willed in mind and worked every day until the age of (detail removed by moderator) . I was absolutely heartbroken, unfortunately my relationship with my mum wasn’t so close and I started to go out so I didn’t have to go home to my mum , I didn’t know my mum was ill and she passed away (detail removed by moderator) after my dad suddenly from a rare form of cancer , no soon as my mum passed away , my ex moved himself in ,I had (detail removed by moderator) of torture from him . I do believe if I hadn’t of been so grief stricken, vulnerable over losing my parents more so my dad I would have never endured so much from my ex as I did . Iam due hopefully to start therapy and I have spoken to my GP in regards to my anxiety issues now , it’s been a very rough (detail removed by moderator) years , but I’m positive for the future xx

[Hazydayz]

I’m sorry to read what you have been through Duchess. Yes, You have been through it and yes I agree, your ex would no doubt have seen your vulnerability and moved in on you, taking over your life I imagine, because he saw there was free space suddenly! And you were so grief stricken you didn’t see this at the time I guess. This could only end up adding to the heartache you must have felt at that timw, (and still do I’m sure) when things became difficult with your ex and you felt without your parents support. I understand the feeling of suddenly losing parents. Sudden deaths are a huge shock! As well as having to accept a loved ones passing before you were ready to. Not that we ever are ready are we. I felt like an orphan with no parents for a time after my mum’s sudden death, your parents are gone! Not here anymore? It’s hard to process isn’t it for a long time. They are not there anymore, to turn to or protect you and your interests when you feel your up against it all. Their Influence or their being around in our lives helps protect and prevent a lot of problems starting with people in our lives who suddenly become abusers. What’s happening? Is all you can think as it overwhelms don’t you agree? No gooders! those evil people! will always seek out the vulnerable and try their best to take over the lives. Of those who are alone or vulnerable. I think they see that You feel without close family support and it makes you feel vulnerable. I think it does until you find strength to accept and adjust to your parents deaths then to embrace life without your parents It seems to me that these abusers know this and take full advantage. Do you agree? Anyway, I hope life is being kinder to you now? That your finding strength and courage to get the help you deserve and that your memories of your Dad & your mum are a comfort to you always and that you feel their love forevermore. Your future is yours! Good luck to you💕

[Anonymous]

Thankyou for such lovely kind words , my (detail removed by moderator) always said to me would your dad want to see you this unhappy? Think of what your dad would say ? I wanted to go one afternoon to see them both at the cemetery as I was still with my ex , he stopped me , saying (detail removed by moderator)? What kind of person stops someone to pay respects to their parents grave ? It’s took me (detail removed by moderator) years to actually feel as though I’m getting back to the person I used to be , it’s been a very long , painful , hard struggle. I do agree they target people that are at their most vulnerable, they have a radar to it , swooping in like they a hero , all obliging, can’t do enough for you in the beginning, then the mask drops ! Evil is unleashed ! Xx

[Hazydayz]

Duchess your welcome! I know the feelings share the sentiments. What a horrible bloke! not supporting your need to visit your parents grave, when he was with you. Heartless! I know the comfort, though heartbreaking too! visiting the graveside. But it’s feeling, being close isn’t it. I hope you are free to visit now when you need to? (detail removed by moderator) years is a long time to have struggled with it all. I’m sure you’ll agree it feels like time has passed so slowly and it feels like only yesterday, through all the pain and feelings of loss. does it? That’s how it felt for me and that was a decade ago now. You will never get over losing your parents but it is true what people say… time heals! Well, best that it can? I think it depends on us? Trouble I had was so many complications coming along after, t seemed one thing on top of another. I really hope your getting s handle on your life now and that life really is being kinder to you. Your councelling ? Did you mention? Sorry! I’m a bit forgetful. Is it councelling that your GP has organised for you? That should get your ball rolling towards sorting stuff for you. Oh! I remember now! Your Anxiety you mentioned didn’t you, it’s understandable you have issues with that, I do too! if that is any support to you? I understand how horrible that is for you is what I’m saying, that’s
hopefully going to be benefited by talking therapy. Although I haven’t sorted myself completely yet? Haven’t accessed enough support I guess? Do we ever sort outself completely? I’m suddenly thinking? Slapping my own hand now! Not to think negatively! Stay positive! Duchess I would like to wish you all the best and finish with a gentle reminder… you mentioned…getting back to your old self? is it really possible to be your old self? Again? so much has changed that’s changed who you were. You are maybe? Not aware yet? That you are a different you now. But, that’s ok! The new you can be embraced and the strength in the new you can support your transit into a new you! And your new life! I wish you all the success of achieving everything your hoping for, and I send you love and a big virtual hug🤗💕 Happy days! xx

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