I know what it is but there’s nothing I can do about it. I just need to let it

[Rainbowsky]

(In advance, i apologize for any wording or content that upset people, I also apologize as it’s a long one)

I’ve recently come out of a relationship, I was with him for just under (detail removed by Moderator) years, he’s quite older than me I was just under (detail removed by Moderator) n he was just over (detail removed by Moderator) when we met, we have a (detail removed by Moderator)yo son and he’s the best thing ever.

My x is a good dad and I defend that till I die but he wasn’t a good partner, he never hit me, he never beat me, he never threatened or emotionally abused me, but what he did do, made me feel worthless, some days I understand why some days I hate his guts.

For about (detail removed by Moderator) years till (detail removed by Moderator), I would wake up in the middle of the night with him inside me, at first I use to brush it off n joke saying things in the morning like “I know what you did last night” kinda like a film where the words where I know what you did last summer, I didn’t like it but I made light of the situation, sometimes I would wake up n go along with it because I was in the mood, sometimes I wouldmt wake up till the morning, id be sore because of the angle he’d been at, sometimes I wouldn’t be sore n I’d only know because of the mess that I ended up waking to, sometimes he’d flat out deny it, sometimes I’d wake up n pretend to still be asleep so that he’d just get it over with, sometimes I’d wake up pretend I was asleep n make a grumpy nose n move away, he use to swear but he’d stop n go back to sleep, this went on for (detail removed by Moderator) years, it use to wear me down, I’d never been in a serious relationship with a man till him, I’d never lived with a man till him, I just brushed all of it off even though most of the time I didn’t like it.

(detail removed by Moderator) I had 2 breakdowns, the first time I had one I finally opened up and spoken out to him about it all, I tried to finish the relationship, I did love him but I felt used, I felt like I had no say, anyway he cried n begged n we ended up working it out, he promised me he’d never ever do it again, that we would finally get married, have another child that I had always desperately wanted, he basically promised me the world.

I spoke with doctors and got medical help as I couldn’t eat sleep drink, I was having nightmares that would make me fear sleeping, it wasn’t all to do with him, it was about covid, about my son, he never listened about my worries about him taking him to people’s house ect and one day everything took its toll, I ended up on antidepressants and received counseling, I didn’t tell the doctors about the relationship issue just the other parts.

Anyway, after working things out with my X, things where finally picking up again, I started to trust and love him again, we became inseperable, best friends again, I had my contraception removed after a few months and we started to try for another child, things where looking up, I was back in college learning, covid was clearing, he had not done that since I opened my mouth everything was sunshine again.

(detail removed by Moderator) after my contraception was removed, I woke in the middle of the night and he was inside me again, (detail removed by Moderator) times this happened.

I felt broken and used again. I couldn’t look him I’m the eye, I didn’t talk to him, he recognised that what he did was wrong because one day he came back with a gift, n when I said he didn’t need to but thankyou his words where “(detail removed by Moderator)” I felt like he had bought my body. I cried myself to sleep, I refused to go to bed thinking would it happen again, I got that lost and confused in my head I had another breakdown.

I told him it was over, I was in absolute pain my head and heart hurt but I couldn’t do it, I was terrified I was pregnant, I have poly cystic ovaries, my period was late, and I just couldn’t cope, I thought that if I was, what if it was my last ever chance of giving me son a sibling, of being a mum again, I couldn’t keep it, but it’d kill me to abort, I was a complete mess, the day after I went to college as he wouldn’t stop beggin n pleading, I had to get out of the house, I couldn’t breathe, I went a few hours early and I shut it out, I locked it all away behind that door, one of my fellow classmates took one look at me and she must have seen my face, she asked me if I was okay and that door exploded, I couldn’t contain it any longer, I was ushered out into a private room and my tutor came toe, I couldn’t stop, it all came out every single thing that I’d locked away, she got safeguarding involved and I explained everything again, they suggested that I go to the police but I couldn’t, I didn’t want to hear the r word, I just told them it’s not, I may have not consented but it’s not, he’s a good dad, they rang my mum, bear in mind I am now (detail removed by Moderator) I was sobbing saying I wanted my mummy, I had gone, she found out everything (detail removed by Moderator).

Eventually she turned up collected me, she wasn’t sure if I was having a mental episode so I showed her the messages where he was begging for forgiveness about it, she took me home.

When we walked in through the door my X knew she knew, we sat down n he admitted it to her, this shocked my mum as she didn’t expect him to, she kept her cool for my sake, when she asked him why the hell he’d do it after everything his words where “(detail removed by Moderator)” she wasn’t happy one bit but she tried to defend him, she turned, one minute she had my back the next she was trying to suggest we just have a break, he eventually left the house n hasn’t lived here since, my mum finally accepts that it’s over but she still defends him.

He left (detail removed by Moderator), to this day I haven’t been to the police, i feel like I can’t now, I feel like of I was to, a few things would happen, chaos, my mum/sis/him/his family would kick off, then my son would get hurt with it all, I should have gone the day my tutor n college told me to but I feel like it’s too late now, I don’t have any physical proof only text messages and FB messages where he’s admitted it, one from a few years back when I was at the joking stage when he turned around n said “(detail removed by Moderator)”

My friends have told me it isn’t too late but I live closer to his family than my own and I don’t even have much family just my mum n sis I can’t cause chaos, I can’t destroy my son’s family, I already feel like I did when I made his dad leave, he doesn’t know what his daddy did obviously and I would never tell him, as his dad is a good dad, he’d do anything for our son, he’d die to protect him, he just wasn’t a good partner.

I just wish he never broke his promise when I finally opened up n told him how I felt about it all as I’ve never been good with my words and emotions, it’s took me weeks to even here but I need to let it all out somewhere.

[Bettertimesahead]

It’s not too late to report it. Why not talk to rape crisis? You need to have support with what he has done. Reading your post has made me think about my ex. He used to come in early and wake me for sex if he woke early or sometimes if he came to bed much later. I’m a very light sleeper so would always wake but have done same as you and pretended to be asleep.
Whatever you decide you do need support ,what he did was wrong and not your fault. Xx

[Anonymous]

Hello my lovely,
I’m so sorry you have been through this. Its not too late to report if it is something you want to do. I woukd recommend calling rape crisis for specialist support or you could do a self referral for counselling through the nhs. I had to have a termination after forced sex and it broke my heart but it was the right decision for me at the time. Sometimes we have to make very hard decisions through no fault of our own.
Well done for getting out of the relationship, it’s time to focus on you now.
Sending you love and support.
Xx

[Author]

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