I left, and then I went back

[Stuck here]

I left a few weeks ago (detail removed by moderator)

It’s always the same. He turns nasty and I packed everything while he was at work. I was to meet him (detail removed) and there he was being nice and in floods of tears that he didn’t want me to go. I managed to do it anyway. Then came the texts about how he was going to end it all and couldn’t do life without me. I’ve left a few times before and this was the first time I stayed strong and didn’t answer any of them.

(detail removed) By the end of it, I’d agreed to come back home. Why?? I don’t understand my actions? I wanted to go. I told friends and family I was going to shame myself in to staying away. And here I am back again.

Since moving back things haven’t been great. I’ve had an attitude and he doesn’t know who I am. I’m not being nice and lovely the way I would have been and he’s worried I’m going to leave again. All of which (because I’m a nice person) leads me to tell him everything he wants to hear. So now I feel like a horrible person and that I’ve been messing him around as well as everyone else in my life.

For now, normal life has resumed as far as he is concerned. But I still want to go. I just wish it could be an adult conversation that things weren’t working out between us and I wished him no ill will. But it always turns nasty, then in to a sob story. Obviously he’s going to be hurt but why does he have to start with the suciide threats.

Apologies for my ranting. I’ve embarrassed myself enough with family and friends recently and need to vent.

[ISOPeace]

Hi there, leaving an abuser is incredibly difficult. It sounds like you think you should be able to do better, but I can assure you that what you have described is very common. Despite living with abuse, most of us don’t understand it until we’re told how it works. I think it’s because we assume our abusers think like we do. But they don’t.

I would highly recommend reading up on abuse to make sense of what’s happening. The reason you feel stuck is the trauma bond (google it), which in short is a biological attachment as a result of the trauma caused by the abuse. It’s completely normal, sadly, because of what the abuse triggers in our brains, and evolution didn’t prepare us for dealing with abusers. So please know that there is nothing wrong with you for going back. When you understand what’s going on, it’s much easier to leave and stay away.

The reason he behaves as he does is because be believes he is entitled to force you to meet his needs. He believes his needs are more important than yours and his priority is gaining and maintaining control of you so that you meet his needs. All the strange behaviour is intended to manipulate you into feeling stuck and subservient to him. This includes making you feel bad. He wants you to feel like you owe it to him to make him happy. Abusers are highly skilled at dumping the emotions of fear, guilt, obligation (the FOG of abuse) on us. He may feel hurt, but the main issue for him is that he feels a loss of control, hence the suicide threats. He wants you to think that he will go as far as it takes to get you to do what he wants. Suicide threats are very common from abusers. Look up the cycle of abuse. Also read Why does he to that? by Lundy Bancroft.

I found learning that my reactions to the abuse were totally normal, and no more wondering why he did what he was doing was like a weight off my shoulders. It was also a lot easier to not fall for him trying to get me to come back because I understood that it was just more manipulation – that he would say/do whatever he thought he needed to in order to get me back. None of it is genuine.

You showed great strength and courage leaving him. You can do it again and next time you will be more emotionally prepared. Did you know it takes an average of 7 attempts for women to leave abusers? You’re not alone and there’s no shame in what you’ve done. You are going to get away from him and stay away. I never thought I would manage but I have. Keep posting on here and reach out to Women’s Aid for support. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Stuck here]

Thank you for your reply. Everyone here is so supportive.

My problem is I know all of the above. I know he gaslights me, I know he manipulates me and I understand that the reason I continue to go back is due to trauma bonding. This will have been my (detail removed by Moderator) attempt and getting away. Only (detail removed by Moderator) more to go with any luck!

I just don’t know how to commit to it all. I have wonderfully supportive family and friends and I feel like I’m throwing all of that in their faces each time I leave and then go back. I’m currently withholding the truth about my return to a few friends because I can’t face the same of it all.

I just want so badly to be free and myself again. If only I had the willpower to make it happen.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Stuck here,

First of all though you feel you are stuck there, you are not. By educating yourself and reaching out here for support you are freeing your mind and spirit, your body will follow. Please don’t think you feel trapped in the relationship because you lack willpower, you feel trapped because you are being abused. Try not to turn the blame and shame on yourself; it is your abusers shame to carry for treating you like this. Blaming ourselves and feeling ashamed only weakens us further by putting the responsibility for the abuse on ourselves, for enduring it, rather than on our abusers for perpetrating it.

You are incredibly brave to have left (detail removed by Moderator) times, and each time will have brought you closer to leaving for good.

Resilience is not just having the persistence to bounce back each time we have a setback.

Resilience is knowing what help is available, and asking for it when we need it.

It’s building our support network by reaching out here, to women’s aid and to our GP, to counsellors, to a support group.

It’s looking after our physical health by eating well, getting enough sleep and some exercise.

Its having a vision of what our future looks like.

Resilience is reaching out to our friends and family.

Abusers trap us by grinding those things out of us. Don’t let him win. Take care of yourself and reach out for support. You can do it. Sending strength and a big hug xx

[gettingtired]

I agree with ISOPeace and Hawthorn. We critisise ourselves so much for having not left but this only adds to our already mounting feelings of sadness, shame, guilt, fear etc etc!
I’ve had one attempt to leave (although he doesn’t realise I was going to) but I just had a meltdown and couldn’t do it, despite the most traumatic blows up from him leading up to it. I’m trying to build myself up again for if another opportunity of him being away comes up but it’s so hard. Living the abuse drains the life out of you and leaves room for little else. Even now I’m not sure my message is making much sense.
I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling and you’re much stronger than you realise 💛 x

[Muddyboots]

I TOTALLY FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! I’ve kind of left but we have kids together so there is still a lot of contact, and there is a big part of me that wants to try and make it work.

One of the things that has really stuck with me was Lundy Bancroft saying that the nice times, the kindness, apologies, affection are all part of the abuse because they are just as manipulative as they anger or guilt. That kept me strong for a few months. But a bit of me thinks that he really does want to change, and wants to give that a chance, and now I feel stuck because I’m about as scared of letting him hurt me again as I am of leaving him, so we are in limbo.

I agree with the others, don’t take the blame for not leaving, that’s the abuse, he’s got invisible strings attached to your heart and he keeps pulling you back. You’re so strong for trying repeatedly. If anything the issue is that you care more about his happiness than your own, rather than you’re weak. You love him, and we are all conditioned to sacrifice ourselves for the people we love.

You deserve freedom and happiness!! He doesn’t deserve you if he doesn’t make you happy

Xxxxx

[Overcome]

You could have been writing about me in your post OP!

ISO has given some great advice here, you are still in the thick of the FOG here, I am basing this on my experience months ago. I was literally in your position.

Please read my post Thriving after Surviving it may resonate with you.

Don’t be hard on yourself, one day you will look back and forgive yourself for the way you are handling things, you are in survival mode right now but it doesn’t have to be like this forever; take that leap and trust in your inner voice that is whispering this isn’t right!!

With love,

Overcome x x x

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