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I’m new to this space and I’m lost in a mire of abuse and financial hardship. My life is controlled by a person who is at best ‘allowing me to speak’ and at worst drilling me through the floor in an avalanche of what is wrong with me.
He doesn’t physically batter me – he emotionally tears through me and has ripped every piece of confidence from me. I could list the 1000 things that are wrong with me but what does that achieve. I’m over a financial barrel – I have a part time job that he tries to hijack so I am unable to continue and it’s a major effort on my part to keep doing…he makes sure the money I earn is pretty much spent before I get it – If I would like to buy myself something then I am the most selfish person that ever lived. I’m living in the bedroom at the moment, have been for (detail removed by moderator) days now..it’s safer here. I venture out for coffee etc and sense his disdain permeate every pore. He told me it abhors him to have to look at me. My nerves are shredded. This last episode stems from me not sealing a pack of biscuits correctly that I’d opened incorrectly, for real. There’s no reasoning to be had. There’s no listening to or hearing what I say. There’s nowhere for me to go. There’s no way out of this. I can’t do the Refuge route..I know I’m completely screwed. One of my sister’s is semi aware of my predicament – and she has money – and she has houses – and she won’t offer to help…seriously…it’s like I’m invisible. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this – nothing will change and I will still be sitting here gulag style, broke and broken, working up the nerve to go and make another cup of coffee – how pathetic am I, shameful. Gave up standing up to him around (detail removed by moderator)yrs ago – absolutely futile. Left once and walked around outside all night – no money – so had to come back tail between my legs and suffer the ridicule of ‘so much for your great family etc etc and ‘I wouldn’t have called you had my life depended on it.’ Crushing doesn’t touch it. I was a strong person once. I gave everyone I loved all the money I had when I ran my own business and travelled the world – now I’m just an embarrassment to myself. I don’t drink or take drugs – never harmed anyone knowingly and willingly..and I love my dog, who I’m told is his dog and to pretty much stay away from. Every chance I get I pet him…for eg when the beast is in the shower.
This is my drama and I’m the only person that can fix it, at least in part. There is no miracle cure for me. I am not going to win the lottery. I cannot afford £s to get a flat somewhere far away from his vice grip. I went to the church once and asked if they could help someone like me and was told to go to my government – because the help I need means money help – not happening anywhere, anytime soon, ever…prayers was the offer I got – no offence to anyone, but that made me want to scream. The courage to knock the priests door was huge for me…all I got was condescension…serves me right I suppose.
Tried housing associations too, they require a ‘local connection’ type situation to consider me – catch 22…nightmare.
Apologies for the length of this and the misery of this to anyone who reads this..It’s 11am and I have to think about work this afternoon…what an effort…akin to mentally climbing Everest.
Peace to all. X
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Hello and welcome. Your story is so familiar to me but I managed to escape. I would advise you to ring the helpline number on here. Contact your local women’s aid. You can ask to stay in a women’s refuge where there is help from other agencies. You articulate your position very well. If you read your own post back you can actually see what he is doing to you which is very positive. I didn’t recognise his abuse for decades. It’s the brainwashing and programming that keeps you vulnerable. These men are pathetic. Try to speak to your GP or anyone who understands domestic abuse. There is help out there for you if you can manage to speak out X don’t listen to a word he tells you. Abusers are liars X
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HI HUn
Welcome to the site, this site is a blessing to all ladies who are expereincing abuse, would give u a massive hug if i was there with u now, yes families can be harshest when we want them to help us, have hope and faith, i know u dont want to hear this and are despearate for a way out. IM just thinking of of if i was in your scenario how i can guide you.
FIrst of aLL I WANT TO GIVE U REASSAURANCE YOU ARE NONE OF THE THINGS HE SAYS U ARE, HE JUST BROKE U MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY, I HAVE HAD THIS DONE TO ME AND I KNOW ITS A VERY C**P FEELING. wE NEED YOU TO RECONNECT WITH YOURSELF AND COME OUT OF DENIAL AS THIS IS WHAT BREAKS US . i THINK YOU ARE AWARE OF WHAT IS GOING ON AND LOOKING AT OPTIONS. HAVE U LOG ABUSE WITH GP AND POLICE. CALL THE HELP LINE AND SEE WHICH AGENCIES CAN HELP YOU. YOU NEED TO SOME HOW KEEP SOME OF YOUR WAGES AND SECRETLY STARTING PUTTING ASIDE FOR REFGUEE PLACE. COULD YOUR SIS LEND U A LOAN JUST TO HELP YOU GET OUT. ASK DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGENCY IF THERE IS ANY EMERGENCY LOAN YOU CAN CLAIM TO HELP YOU GET OUT AND SUPPORT YOURSELF, HAVE YOU SPOKEN TOHOUSING BENEFIT AND SEE IF THEY CAN HELP U.
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Morning Kip and thanks so much for writing to me. Your words of brainwashing are resonating through me like a massive light bulb switching on – you are completely and utterly right in this. A huge part of me is lost and has been cowed into a form of ‘silence.’ I gave up trying to maintain my rights as a functioning real person with needs (if only to play music) under his continuous (still ongoing obv) avalanche of criticism.
Today I feel a little more positive. I’ve opened a secret bank account – this is huge for me believe it or not…and by way of measure of how much he’s affected me there is a part of me FEELS GUILTY…seriously…W*F?!…Scary…
Sending a hug. x
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Hi Confused123 – Starchild – Serenity – VampireSbite – Sadie…
I have to write to you all collectively and quickly before the Overlord comes in and demands I do something worthwhile instead of sitting on my fat idle a$$…So I can’t write, think the way I would like to in responding to you all as individuals..sorry x.
I cannot describe how grateful I am to all of you for taking the time out of your day to offer support, ALL of which I am taking on board.
In the face of all that he is doing to me – In all his effort to diminish me to the point of a functioning amoeba..I am finding solace and strength in what you have all sent to me.
This is an awakening of mega proportions – I have no family worth jack unless I have GOOD news and cash – My so called friends are not really friends because apparently money holds a value higher than a person’s sanity – Work colleagues are INVALUABLE and without them and their knowledge of me I would be in a much worse condition…
When I am free and I will be – When I have healed and I shall – When I can laugh again as I used too – When I play my music at the level I choose – When I have a roof over my head that noone can use as a weapon to abuse me – they can all forget they ever knew me. I am so damaged by their ability to dismiss my pleading for help – Raw reality of is dawning on me and I welcome it.
Strength to you all – sending you all a hug – the Overlord is breathing down my neck – let him enjoy it while the monster can.
XX
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I would like to suggest also that you start writing down what he does to you, says to you. It is evidence for you, for family or anyone else you care to share it with. it helped me to see the entirety of his behaviour rather than just isolated pieces that I tried to minimise in order to continue dealing.
If you need help don’t wait for family to offer it – ASK for help, tell her, sob on her shoulder. I am bad at asking for help, feel cut off, but that’s how he likes it. I have reached out to a friend this week and she was there to help at her first opportunity.
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First of all, I would like to say that you don’t need to deal with this alone. There are people out here who can help.
I was in a situation where I felt stuck and forced into a corner, where he could very easily have and nearly did destroy me. But I went and asked for help and advice from a number of different sources, and it got me out.
Don’t suffer alone. I advise calling :
Women’s Aid helpline ( they will refer you to local DV support )
Rights of Women
National Centre for Domestic ViolenceThere is a way out x
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You can do it! If I could do this while the odds were stuck up against me in a country I was new in with no family and no social support system. I am sure you can do it! It sounds like you have believed all that he says you are. But you are not. You just believe you are because your psych has been constantly bombarded with the same message; it is normal for you to start believing it after a while. But somewhere deep inside you, you know that you do not deserve this. That is why you posted here. If it helps, read about emotional/psychological abuse, you will start to see the patterns more clearly.
I walked away into the unknown and even though the help let me down and I am still fighting for my truth, I am glad that I made that decision to leave it all behind and walk away with nothing but my children. Remember no one can take your truth away from you.
WALK AWAY NOW. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO. YOU CAN BE WHOMEVER YOU ARE MEANT TO BE despite what he says.
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1. Let me say you are describing my life …as it was …
2. This is now psychological and emotional abuse..
3 forget your family …its taken 4 yrs for my family to be convinced of what I was going through only because my dad started to help me with the divorce and has actually become appalled by what has now become the process. you will probably find once separated that a lot of female friends and acquaintances will say they did not like -trust ore like being in a room with him
Also family dynamics may be a part of why you may present as vulnerable if there was any kind of inequality between siblings
4 as long as you work with registered services Domestic Violence services who will work in a way to keep you safe and issues confidential, you will be eligible for support from the benefit system and housing in some cases as provision is made for domestic violence cases fleeing home with in the benefit system
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Hi
I am new to this forum and not very good at expressing myself , I read your posts and the tears pour I can completely understand your everyday life ( so called life ) .
I too are in exactly the same situation and not sure where to begin.
I really hope you turn your life around and end up with happiness xxxxx -
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TBear – I just read your post as haven’t been able to be on here for ages so I hope you read this – I UNDERSTAND you..xx
My ‘friends’ have all but vanished – so they weren’t real ‘friends’ as it turns out – how stupid am I?!! Plus the 2 sisters I talk to do absolutely nothing to help me – texts and emails do not help me out of this hell – They also make me feel like a freak as their lives are so perfect etc -I am done with them – believe me when I say a couple of grand is nothing to them and would change my life forever…they won’t do it. I’m too scared to run and live outside, tried it for one night and it was horrific. There is nothing difficult to work out in my situation, the basic fact Tbear is without cash I am screwed – but that’s the very thing noone will help with.
Sending you a massive hug..one day girl we will be FREE!!..XX
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Hi
I so can relate to you..I’ve been through same but I run (detail removed by moderator) … with my dog
He pyscolocical traumatised me about my past every little insecuritie i hadid he used it against me in abuse … he brain washed me that much he sent me into crazy ..
i now suffer from ptsd ..it’s took well over a year iam still healing from the aftermath
It’s been slow progress but iam getting my life back together..
Iam currently in counciling which helps me so so much ..known someone understands me and is there for support … and they know how evil my ex is …i still have enough fight to keep going -
Hi I just read your post. Sending you hugs…have faith there are masses of things you can get help with.
Step by step..lots of suggestions have been mentioned already…unsure if any of these things have helped?
I would echo the GP first she can document all evidence go every day if you need to, and ask for counselling support your seriously traumatised and you need support.
WA will have local groups for women who have experienced DA ..depending on where your based. I can tell you a couple I know of if you want to DM me. Documenting everything is necessary and telling as many people you trust, talk it over see if they have any suggestions and may know of support places.its important to plan bit by bit, not all in one go, as it can get overwhelming and un do-able!
Research in privacy…at the library that kind of thing, all this is empowering for you on your journey to FREEDOM! HUGs CX
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