i mean it, i feel nothing

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I am so numb, so often confronted to what goes on at home etc that I am shutting down, closing in on myself, cocooning. It’s a really weird feeling. I feel nothing, I contact no one, I want to ignore even my kids, I want contact with no one. I don’t know who I am, what I do or think, I dont look forward nor to the past, I wake up and the same type of day starts again and again. It only gets punctuated by days when I help my handicapped friend, or an order for my work comes in, I have no sense of direction, I dont want to speak, I drink outrageous amounts of boiled water to occupy my lips, structure my minutes, it’s like I am hooked on holding a cup, I have to have something hot and comforting, I hate calling my parents, speaking to my kids, staring at this world that buzzes around my family and deals with nothing, people who pretend to be helping but do zero else but cause me more emotional harm, pointing the finger at me, taking away any valuable substance validating the reasons for my existence. It’s a black hole and I spiral into nothingness, I disappear fast.
I even watch birds feeding and fighting on the bird table and I think even nature is at it, fighting, destroying, annihilating each other, I see pigeons picking up twigs for a nest and I think what for…nothing means anything anymore, life is to be endured, there is zero to look forward to, my family is a living hell. Why bother.

[Ayanna]

Oh Bridget! I was like this a year ago. That is such a grey place to be. You need to get out of there!
Why don’t you just leave?
They can cope without you.

You need to enjoy the sunshine and the rain. You need to feel emotions!
Please, please, please, go to your local WA and tell them you need to leave and they have to help you with that!

[Serenity]

You are going into survival mode.

Don’t be worried: it isn’t permanent. You are doing this automatically to protect yourself.

However, I think that the only way you will feel free to open up again is if you make changes to feel protected. In your current situation, you feel attacked from all sides. I hope you can find a way to change this. X

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Bridget, I think you may have some depression, how about speaking to your GP? X*X

[Author]

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