I met someone but….

[shine bright 2]

Ok so I got a better job and now earning more and back to job I love and on top of that I met someone. He is a friend. Just a friend, but I know he wants it to be more. I really like him, but I just don’t know if I can. I’m really scared. In my mind he will see all the scars and think I have too much emotional baggage type of thing or maybe he will feel pity or disgust
I think that’s what worries me most, that he might feel disgust, but also that it will make him ask me things about what happened and I do t want to speak about it ..I want that to be seperate from my life here. The other thing is about the name changes and everything I feel scared for him to know.

I really like him, but I’m scared. When I think what was done to me before it make me scared. He’s not same culture or religion as me and I’m worried may e he will judge me…like for having a kind of arranged marriage and like think I’m a bit pathetic. Idk. I’m probably thinking too much.

But I’m worrying too that if it got serious he would touch me where all the scars are and then that would remind me of ex. That’s what he did. He would run his finger along the lines that he made with cable. What if he touches like that? I don’t even know if I can have a relationship.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Shine bright

Remember always you don’t have to do anything.

Make sure you are strong first, I mean strong enough to hold your boundaries firm, then your boundaries will keep you safe as you will feel confident to go at your own paxs, no-one elses.

You don’t have to ever have another relationship, only what you want, and what you and your children can manage. It’s all very new still, it can take years to recover and sometimes not then even.

I think you are very brave to even entertain the idea after all you have suffered from a man, but they are not all the same, just be sure you know which one he is.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Twisted Sister]

*pace

[fizzylem]

It’s very natural and expected that a new relationship will trigger past issues and old feelings re surface; so pull in some support, I’d suggest with a counsellor, so that you can work through the issues that come as they arise together, this could help to protect this new relationship, and be a good way for you to work through things and get past it.

You do not need to tell this new man anything if you don’t want to. I have no intention of talking about this in my future. There’s a lot of value in not looking back once you feel ready, not making your past impact on your present, doing this contains it hey. Yes we want to have intimacy, no secrets, but I don’t see it like this, I see it as needs must and that is no longer relevant.

If you feel ready then take a risk; what’s important is that you feel strong enough to discuss with him anything that doesn’t feel right, it has to feel right every step of the way, there will be compromises and misunderstandings yes, but can you both work through these with respect and reach an understanding? Any red flags and you can end it hey x

[shine bright 2]

Thanks for replies. I think you are both right. I do feel about like things are going a bit faster than I really want them to. I had never really set out to get involved in a romantic way and I’m not really totally sure I want to. It’s hard because it is so nice to have someone be nice to me and give me attention. But after my ex the idea of being with someone fills me with dread.

I’m having steroid injections to make scars less ugly, but I still feel like I don’t want to be with someone in that way. But at the same time I kind of don want to walk away. Idk

[fizzylem]

Tell him how you feel SB2, tell him what you’ve said to us; it’s moving a bit fast for you, you like him but need time to get to know him. Not sure you are looking for anything else right now but you are enjoying his company. Perhaps you’d feel better if you said something like, lets see if anything develops but for now friends is all I can do – or something like, in your own words / way obs – this would remove the pressure and let him know where he stands which would leave you feeling ok about things hopefully x

[shine bright 2]

I think your right fizzy. I thinks that is what I should do. I think sometimes I just end up going along with stuff because I’m not really used to making decisions. I do like him, bit had so many changes in life not ready for something big.
I am a bit scared that he seems so good. U know like maybe it’s not possible. So many things worry me. Like maybe I would be huge disappointment to him. I only ever been with my ex husband. No one else. I think I will seem stupid and inexperience. Most people by thirties have experience. We haven’t talked about anything like that, although things are going more that way. The words of everyone ring in my head ..my marriage failed cos I’m too western, too much talking to men and not caring what people think …like now I am confirming that. It doesn’t matter really cos I am along way from all that, but I still hear it all those voices even though I never looked at anyone while I was with him.

I think u and twisted sista helped alot because I do want to take time and not rush into aomething

[fizzylem]

It’s ok for you to take your time getting to know him and for you to decide yes or no he’s not for me, and it’s the same for him hey; doesnt mean you are a disappointment, means you’re not quite right for one another. It takes courage to acknowledge this and do something about it doesn’t it, so if he does say this to you down the line, please try not to take it personally, I would say something like thanks for your honesty, I appreciate that, have enjoyed getting to know you but yes, maybe we’re better just as friends.

I think it’s always better to have a go to line when this happens, so I don’t react from my emotions and say something I know I’ll regret, I prefer to lick my wounds at home alone when this happens; I’ve been really pleased later that I handled it this way – as there were no regrets and no hard feelings.

If you end up going along then sooner or later you could end up in a place you really dont want to be and it often feels difficult to manage then. If we are open and honest about how we feel this doesn’t need to happen.

Also, if you settle, and go along, you could be missing out on meeting the right one as you’re other wise engaged on the wrong path!

Good to hear you’re thinking of slowing it down; it really does need to be at your own pace and feel ok for you every step of the way x*x

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