I miss him

[Yellowflower]

I went out at the weekend with friends the first time in a very long time. When I was with him it was always too much hassle to even try and go out with friends. So while I was out I enjoyed it but a man tried to talk to me and I don’t know why I think it’s really triggered me again. I came home and since then I’m feeling like I miss him so badly. It’s mad I know im scared of him but I love him I can’t help that. Your all going to say it’s a trauma bond and I get that. However I just keep thinking what could I have done to stop him raging at me. To keep our little family together. God I miss us the way we could be. I never ever wanted it to end like this I really didn’t. I wanted my little family so badly. Why couldn’t it have been ok why couldn’t he have stopped. Will he one day wake up and realise what his lost and get help? I don’t want anybody else I really don’t he was my soul mate and it never was meant to be this way. It’s so hard to accept it’s all over now. I can’t stop crying and can’t seem to get the nice images out my head. I wanted to help him. I didn’t want this. Our children are my world but I feel so lonely. Will the man I love ever come back to me?

[Bethesda]

Hi my lovely Yellowflower
It’s hard to understand but he won’t come back,he won’t wake up and realise all the misery he caused
HE WILL NOT,NEVER
He thinks he’s right and you’re a stupid miserable,needy and overreacting b***h
Please stop beating yourself,it’s pointless
Please…I’m all day thinking about the same but the only thing I realised is that they aren’t normal human being,they’re psychopaths,that’s all
They don’t care about anything apart of their own needs and we never were included in that bucket
I know is hurtful but is the reality
What a waste of time hey?
We deserve better,that’s for sure
Hugs and kisses from me,I’m pretty bad today too

[Escapee]

Oh they really don’t deserve our love, devotion and compassion. How could a man have all that given to him with an open heart and reject it by being an arse. They’re not worthy of our tears. You both deserve so much more love and respect. My love and hugs to you both x*x

[Put the kettle on]

Hi yellow flower, I often feel the same but the thing is, really and I mean really… will he be feeling the same way? We know deep down if we’re honest with ourselves, no. Sure he’ll miss someone doing his bidding, someone to use as an emotional or physical punch bag. They miss the control over us. If they really cared, if they were really good people they’d get professional help, accept responsibility and let us move on with our lives, without them as setting us free would be the most unselfish thing to do.
I too have an image of the perfect family, guess what you and your child/children are still a family. Do you think you miss him or companionship/talking with another adult? I get lonely too, incredibly lonely I became isolated from friends and he’s trying to turn anyone he can against me. The longer they keep a hold over us the more power we’re giving them. Now you know you felt unsettled after talking with a man,tell your friends and they can support you next time whether avoiding men for now or introducing you to someone nice.
Most importantly…

* Think of why you left not why you stayed *

[diymum@1]

your heart is breaking for sure and yes this situation is devastating. are you mourning the loss off him or the perfect family situation you crave. i do too i wanted that – the later looking back clearer in hind sight. theres also the stigma attached that the relationship failed (often the woman gets blamed) she didnt please him cater for him but no. he didnt play the game with you. in order for you to acheive this family life you have to do all you can do to get through this and not go back. probably not an option but it sounds like your scared which is very natural. keep going for now – to obtain this family life that you want and that sounds like an ‘intact family’ you will need to start over. facing this is hard and it takes time but its obtainable. the reality is you cant forge ahead with any type off abusive man and be happy. you need a good father for your kids and a good partner for you (it may not be the biological father) but if this is what you want in your life its not with him xxxx youll never get this with an abuser ever. there are good people out there and its ok to be a small happy family too just you and the kids xx you need to look at what your truely feeling here to move on xxxx love diymum

[Lavenderrose]

I totally get this. I too have had the same thoughts. All I ever longed for was a little family and I thought I had it all with him. Sadly not! He took away all my hopes and dreams. Feel so envious of other peoples perfect families, anniversary milestones and celebrations. It really hurts. I just keep telling myself we’re better off and then he does something too which reminds me. I’m hopeful these feelings will ebb away xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi I get this too. Once society stops feeding children with the line ‘when you grow up and get married and have a family of your own’, as if that’s the only thing that makes you worthy of happiness, that that’s all you need to be fulfilled, worthwhile. There’s more to life than marriage, children and a home, but to keep women in their place that lie has been subjugated since time immemorial. When marriage works, great. But for a marriage to work there has to be an equal partnership, without that what’s the point. We have to teach the adults of tomorrow to grab life, teach them boundaries, respect for themselves never mind to be respectful. Until women too stop thinking that this is all we ever want, then and maybe then we will live in a world without abuse.
IWMB 💞💞

[Yellowflower]

Thank out girls for all your replies. I’m really struggling at the moment. I just want his arms around me telling me everything’s will be ok. I want him to tell me he knows he needs help and that he will do it for our family. I never ever wanted to do this alone. He pushed and pushed and I reached a point I couldn’t take being shouted at even once more. I love that man with everything I am and I love our little family. I don’t want anyone else I really don’t. Do any of you believe that people change? That they change when they see they’ve lost everything? I can’t stop thinking about the good times and I keep trying to replace them thoughts with bad ones but I just keep going round in circles. If only I could have got him to stop raging at me? I’ honestly thought having a child would change him we went through so much.. but it just made things harder. Why can’t he see I gave him everything. I didn’t disrespect him or take the p*** out of him I loved him with everything I am. I worry his moved on already… is someone in our family home is someone in our bed. People keep telling me I’m stronger than I think but I’m not I just want to talk to him I want my life back just not the one with the rages and control. I can’t see any way forward🙁

[Iwantmeback]

Your post makes me feel so sad. Because that is exactly what I want,the thought of never having him hold me, hug me, hurts like hell, but I know in my heart, my gut is screaming at me, to protect me. It’s only a mask, cos once he gets what he wants(me back) My life would be unbearable. Since leaving, I’ve saw mr nice guy a lot but the hateful ba…rd is always there just under the surface. The nice guy is all an act.
You make a mistake once, to make a mistake twice is a choice. My oh actually sent that to me which I found hilariously ironic. He doesn’t do irony,obviously.
Stay strong mo charaid, you’ve got this. We do what we do to survive.
IWMB #21stcenturysuffragettes

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there YF,

I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing now. It’s evidence that your love was true and genuine and of the hope you are clinging to. But it wouldn’t matter what you did or didn’t do, what you said or didn’t say – he chose to behave the way he did towards you. Even being the most perfect partner in the world would not have been enough for him, he would simply have found something else to abuse you over. And I think you already know this.

I’ve been reading stories from women daily on here and on other forums I am a part of, and I have yet to hear a story of a man who changed. The “best” stories I’ve come across were of the men who were forced to sign up to perpetrator programmes in the US who then “at least” stopped hitting but only changed their abuse to be more psychological in nature. If you read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft – a man who by now has worked with abusers for 30 years – he will tell you that they very very very rarely change. But even with practically life long committal to a perpetrator programme, they will never love or feel the way we do. It’s simply not in them because of their beliefs and the entitlement they have to abuse. He just doesn’t believe what he is doing is wrong – and if a person does not see a problem with their own behaviour, any “help” won’t be helping at all.

The way you are describing how he might already be with someone else – is that the kind of man who would think he has lost everything? While you and your little family most certainly was/is everything (as it would be to any normal person capable of empathy), I just don’t think abusers think this way. Your worry that he may have found new supply already shows that deep down you know this. And while you and your child should be his entire world, he didn’t really show that when you were still together did he. Of course there were good times, but if he had wanted to, he could have made all your time together good. Instead he chose not to.

You are saying you are wanting your life back, but without his abuse. To me that reads as a woman who deep down does know that she doesn’t want her old life back, she wanted the life that he could have offered and given her but chose not to. So perhaps what you are really wanting back is the fantasy and hope that you had for your relationship and not the reality? For the sake of you and your child, leaving him was the best thing you could do and I am so proud of you that you were able to. You can love him and you can leave him – because it’s not selfish to do what is best for you and your child. And the very best thing for any mother and child is to live without abuse.

I went back many times, so I understand the pull and the hypocrisy in me advising you not to go back. But whenever I went back to those arms I craved, they were rarely there and if they were, I could pretty much be guaranteed that I’d be abused within a day or two again. Only this time worse for having had the nerve to leave in the first place. In the end he had taken away my ability to make decisions including being unable to leave him. If he hadn’t left me, I am honestly not sure I would be alive today as abuse escalates and by then he had already been close to killing me many times.

Are you receicing any counselling or support from WA? If not, please reach out to them. I found reading about abuse and the dynamics and how essentially they do not see anything wrong with their behaviour really helped me. Keep protecting yourself and your little one, you are doing the right thing, it’s excruciating but oh so brave of you x There is absolutely no pressure for you to find someone else, you really do not need to think about that now. Women can manage just fine on their own and while you are this deep in your trauma it’s not even the time to contemplate potential future relationships. Take all the time you need to heal now and once you have sufficiently recovered, perhaps the idea of a new partner and a step dad for your little one won’t seem so foreign a concept x

[Anonymous]

hi. i to understand when you say you miss him. but what i have cone to realise is im missing my dream of what could of been the happy life of a perfect home perfect holidays perfect everything. fact is it was a dream it was never going to happen. these “hins” are sick damaged people they cant change. i spike to his ex after we split i lived her lice but she said i got it worse than her which gutted me like a fish. but i wake uo every day with massive anxiety and think if he was still here imagine how bad today would be but i have peace no fear no dred but jyst wounded with memories and anxiety. so yes i agree its trauma bond. just keep it in your head. the abuse will never stop it will just carry on until one if you gets seriously hurt because i know i was getting thoughts of really hurting him and it scared me

[Iwantmeback]

“I have peace, no fear, no dread ” sums up how I feel to a tee. How I’ve missed this place.
These feeling, Yellowflower, they will pass. Each day we go without contact or even minimal contact, those passing days make us stronger. We don’t become hardened, bitter men haters. We become empowered, we believe in our choices. Let your children’s love carry you through these times.
Strength, love and light IWMB 💞💞

[Yellowflower]

Thank you for all of your replies it really does help to speak to people who know exactly what I’m going through. Alwayssorry thank you so much for your lengthy reply. You are right I know I’m missing a fantasy that can never happen. I miss our little family doing stuff together but then I try to remember the arguments before hand and how it shouldnt be like that… one minute someone screaming and shouting at you and the next them being all nice especially when no ones around. I guess your right maybe I miss the cuddles the companionship when he was being nice. I watched a programme recently on the type of drug he used. It broke my heart to learn all about it and see how it’s produced in unsterile conditions and the effects it has on people. But the drug he used I don’t think is to blame for the abuse. Because he could turn it off in public so he knew what he was doing was wrong didn’t he? I just wish I had a magic wand that could fix him. That could make him be that man he could be at times. It’s so sad that my family won’t be whole again. My heart is absolutely breaking I can’t stop loving him I wish I could hate him for what he has done but I don’t. I am currently waiting to enroll on the freedom project. I do have a WA worker but to be honest I don’t feel I’m given much support by her. I’m currently on a waiting list for counselling. I’ve read several books now which I did find helpful. But despite it i just can’t seem to shake this feeling off. I keep thinking what do I think it will achieve if I get in contact with him? It’s not like his going to turn round and admit it was all him. I was often told it takes two…he sees no wrong in the way he treated me. So if I did go back I’d have to accept That. I love my children so very much and couldn’t do that to them but I just wish I could shake of this feeling. It’s so so sad I never wanted this life for my children. Thanks again for all yoUr messages they really do help me xx

[AlwaysSorry]

You absolutely did nothing wrong here YF, nothing at all. And you are spot on – whatever drug it was, it wasn’t the cause of his abuse because yes, he could control when he let out his abuse and that’s all the proof you need. Even if he doesn’t know what he did to you was wrong, he knew he’d be in trouble if other people saw – so that’s why he chose to do it in private so no one would be able to hold him accountable. It sounds really good about the freedom programme, I think it will help you tremendously, I’ve only heard good things about it.

Whoever told you it takes two clearly has no knowledge of abuse. Because it does not take two. It only takes the one, the abuser. You hold no blame for this, sweetheart. I think it’s a good thing to contemplate, what going back would achieve realistically and you already seem fully aware that he wouldn’t take responsibility. What I am about to say I hope does not cause offence, but indeed consider your children. I have read far too many horror stories of mothers losing access to their children because they went back to their abuser and you are so full of love and compassion, I just wouldn’t want that for you or for them. So please keep on keeping them safe and know that so many women – and yes, even men – out there admire you for what you are doing right now, for the sheer bravery and strength you are showing even when the heartache becomes too excruciating, you just keep on going. If that’s not strength, I do not know what is. You indeed never wanted this for them which is why you had no other option than to take this step to protect them and that is why the only thing you deserve is praise and admiration and comfort. None of this it takes two c**p, it’s simply not true.

Keep posting on here as well x I found it really helped me through the strongest urges and cravings x

[Had.enough]

I understand how you feel YellowFlower. I miss him so much. He has a gf now and i am beyond devastated. I think its because i am still alone and plus i have children with him. The thought that the gf is coping why could i not. I had a family with him. I am linked for life. I never thought i would leave him ever!! just one day i had enough and no matter how much he begged i had put my foot down. I regret it though.

Lavenderrose – I feel like I have cut myself off from friends because I don’t want to hear about these milestones. Just the other day my children were at a friend’s birthday party and i wanted to burst into tears. I wanted all of this. To be a happy family in front of family and friends, someone have the cake ready the other have the camera ready to catch the special memories. I dont like the idea of the parents knowing that my children’s family are run by me alone. I have done myself no favors recently, When the children are in bed, i keep looking back at photos and video footage of us with our children when they were born. the photos and video footage of our excitement of looking for a house. All the good moments that were caught on camera. I feel like they have just turned to dust. I have cried for months. I left him and i regret it.

(court detail removed by moderator) . I feel had i known about family courts i wouldn’t have left. Now the children will be going alone with him. I regret and i repeat i regret leaving. I was always there to keep an eye on things. Also seeing him so nice and loving towards overs has made me feel incredibly jealous because now I am just getting all the hate from him when before i got good times too. It is just hatred from someone I wanted to spend my life with and who I have children with. All the court personnel feeling sorry for him as he plays daddy/human of the year. I miss those highs so much.

The children have to do weekly video calls. I see him in his new gfs house, wearing designer labels now. I hear him speaking to the children when i am in another room holding back the tears. I really want him to love me again. I want that love back. I feel so upset about the new gf too. I feel like she has taken my place. He told me that he told her all about me which i am sure isnt singing my praises. (detail removed by moderator) backing him up doesnt help matters. I am now the crazy ex like all of his other 3 crazy exs. I am constantly thinking of him in this woman’s arms and treating her right. Then she will play happy families with the children soon which makes me feel so upset. They have been together for a while now. When she has children I know i am going to be beyond devastated. Why is he being so nice about her? Has he changed? i feel like she has came in when i spent years investing my time making him happy, ensuring he was happy. For her to then swoop in raking in the rewards. He told me he lets her wear anything she wants and how in love with her he is. How clever she is etc. Has he changed? He told me what to wear and that started when I became pregnant with our first.

Did i just need to wait a bit longer for the rewards of seeing him being back to the man i met? I miss him so much. Why did I have to get all the restrictions? What if he is not cheating anymore? What if he never cheats on her? Has she got the man I met which I only saw glimpses of here and there later on in our relationship? He is getting on a bit so maybe he is behaving. I wish I had him back. I was so lucky. I knew I was punching. He would tell me of all the women that were flirting with him at work. I remember when I was pregnant he told me about all these women that fancied him but told me not to take it personally or that his work colleagues had seen a picture of me and thought I was ugly and how he told me he had to fight my corner and say that they didn’t know me and that he loved everything about me and to stop being so cruel about my looks. He told me just to ignore them. I cant deny that i did feel upset but i was grateful he had told me.

When I first met him he kept wanting to dance with me. I wasn’t interested in looking for any relationship but thought he was lovely. It was about three weeks later he tried to get my number from people in my friendship group. He took me on numerous dates. He said he was desperate to see me again. I miss all that. He was so attentive to me. He would drive long distance to see me for dates as we wee living in different cities so the surprise visits at my flat door late at night early morning I always remember thinking God he travelled all this way for me ?! I would have lots of missed calls during my studies even if we had just talked. He was always thinking about us. We skyped, google chatted I would talk to him for hours. He was such a good listener, always wanted to hear about what i was doing. told me he never felt this way about anyone before. He was so funny. The most kindest guy i had ever met in my life. Felt on cloud 9. My flats mates were wary. Every time he called i would speak to him even though they rightly pointed out that he had just spoke to me an hour or two ago. He wanted me to meet his parents quite early on and talking about our future. He spoke about us having children around the 6 month. I was thinking wow oh wow how is this happening to me. Not many guys are interested in marriage and children but this guy is so keen and with me. I miss all this. After my studies were finished i moved to live with him. He kept going on and on about babies. I did want to travel first. I do feel i got pregnant quite quickly with him but we were excited when we found out. We stayed with his parents as we got sorted out in our flat. It was all so exciting. I gave birth. a couple of weeks in he had to go to work so i would be sending him images of the baby to his email. A phonecall to our landline. A woman who had just had a child to him claiming he is sleeping with the both of us. He has two other children to her. She had got on to his email. Saw the images. He was sheepish, rabbit in the headlights. begged pleaded with me. We were both pregnant at the same time. He gave me every single excuse there was. That they are not together anymore, the baby was a one night stand, she is crazy ex. What happened to the man i met who didnt have kids?! His parents had not told me. I was so mad and so upset. I forgave him. I didnt want to be a single mum. I was not allowed to speak to her again. I am sure they were still sleeping together throughout our relationship but i cant process that. I guess staying after he had a baby with someone else

That pretty much set the tone for the relationship. He knew he could do whatever and i would stay. He promised he would never cheat again or hide anything although he threatened to cheat if i didn’t give him another child a couple of years later. I never thought i would leave him. I knew he was sleeping with other people deep down i just cant think about it. I wat back in the bubble i was in. This new gf isn’t getting all these secrets. As you can see i am seriously not coping. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I had had enough back then and i packed my bags and i am so mad at my past self. He begged for me to go back and i feel i was so stubborn that i would not be going back. I am so angry with myself. I wish i had known how family courts operated. Had i known i would not have left. Maybe when the kids reached adulthood. I feel i should have invested more time into keeping the family together for the sake of the kids. He seems so happy and i am a complete mess. I have gained 3 stone in the last 4 months. Comfort eating. I made a big mistake letting him talk to me. He was begging for us to return back then but now he doesnt give a s**t about me I feel so used and thrown. I dontknow why i care. He praised his new gf and told me to move on even though i never even gave him an inkling that i wanted him. He obviously could tell i would be still single just like he told me i would be if i left him. He made fun of my stretch marks after the children. I had lost all the baby weight after my last but he still wanted me to get on the scales.

I cant co parent with him. He makes it hell. I couldn’t even parent with him, never mind co parent. Him being in our lives. He kept threatening to take the children from the “ex” saying she was unstable. Now i am in her position. So scared. If i had just stayed he wouldnt see threat.

I can’t cope. I wish i had stayed. I wish i had just put up with his tantrums if i cut my hair or wore nail varnish, what i wore, my weight etc and waited till the kids were older. I dont miss his arguments with me for no reason or storming ou if i asked him to help out with the children or house. What i do miss are the times when he was happy. When he was happy we were a happy family.

[Yellowflower]

Alwayssorry- thank you so much for your reply. He was the one who said it takes two. I used to sit and ponder for hours over arguments we had and thought was it me? Did I raise my voice did I set him off could I have done something different. My conclusion always came back to no. I was so confused about what I had done to deserve the shouting the name calling and the intimidating. But I often struggle with if this was abuse. I know that sounds crazy but I think was that just an argument can it be classed as abuse I don’t know if I’m being over dramatic. He was physical but not for a long while before we split. I just can’t bare the thought of anyone with him. If he is with someone I’m sure they think his amazing like I did. I just worry that I had all these awful times and someone else will be getting the best of him now his found his perfect woman! You caused no offence at all. I’ve been told if I went back social services would be heavily involved. I would never risk losing them. They are my world I just feel terrible I split their little family up. I feel like that’s all on me and when they get old enough to understand they will be told a completely different story. I never wanted that for them. I just couldn’t stand him shouting at me anymore I felt so confused so hurt that the man I loved could do that to me and infront of them. Had.enough- I really do feel your pain. Please read this post and the wonderful advice the ladies have given me on here. You are not alone and we deserve alor betrer. Do you think if you went back things would change? That’s what I have to keep asking myself. Keep posting x*x

[Escapee]

My heart is breaking for you – please, please remember that he won’t have changed! He is manipulating you and her.

I know I’ve got this to come – I handled it once before when we split up. I just told myself that I didn’t have to deal with his constant belittling, etc, etc.

Don’t allow him to do this to you xx

You are a lovely family unit, just you and your babies.

Talk to WA, ask your GP for counseling, join in as many support groups and single parent groups as you can. Build your support network.

My love and hugs to you xx

[Yellowflower]

Escapee thank you for your kind words. I told myself I would give myself a week and if I still felt that strongly is get in contact. A few days in and the feelings are subsiding again… until the next time but I really do think your comments and the other wonderful ladies on here really really do help. Friends don’t get it as lovely as they are to me. I know everyone on here has been through it. I miss him and I love him but I have to accept what I cannot change. I have beautiful children to look after and focus on! X*x

[AlwaysSorry]

You are not crazy for thinking these things at all YF, they are so common. I thought those very same things too and you will come to a point where those thoughts fade and stop invading your mind all the time. Sometimes, you just have to let the thoughts pass through you, easier said than done I know. What I think is really important is that you know you deserve to be treated really well, you deserve to be loved for who you are, you are worthy of a life where you don’t have to walk on eggshells and second-guess your every action. And I think you are perhaps worried that he might be offering this to the woman who comes after you, but nothing in his actions would suggest this. If/when there is another woman, she might get more good than bad in the beginning – probably very similar to how it was with you and him – but eventually she will have to deal with the exact same man that you did. No one ever changes unless they recognise something wrong in their own behaviour, and he hasn’t exactly taken ownership of the consequences of his actions has he. It’s certainly not holding oneself accountable by blaming someone else – and that’s exactly what he is doing when he tells you it takes two. He is blaming you when the blame lies entirely with him. So, please know that no one else will be reaping any rewards that you were due from him and take with you the knowledge that you do know you deserve to be loved completely for who you are and not face any punishments for being who you are. And if one day you are ready for that kind of love, you can find it and you can have it – but in order to get there, you had to let him go first so that someone better can later come into your life. For now it’s about healing and recovering for you and your little ones (who you by the way have not let down, nope, you have in fact given them this incredible gift of a life where they can grow up with a mum who is free to be happy and who doesn’t get shouted at in front of them. You’re giving them a better life, you did not split up the family, his abuse did – and instead of looking at it as splitting up the family, think of it more as having to remove the one person so that the rest of you can be a lovely family of your own x)

[Yellowflower]

Alwayssorry thank you so much for your reply I’m sat here crying again but this time because it was so touching. I think for so long his told me no one would ever want me and I’m nothing without him that I’ve startsd to believe that. It is good to look at it like you say I didn’t split up my family. They need a happy mommy. It broke my heart when he shouted at me infront of them it really did. I didn’t recognise the man I fell in love with. I prob am missing a fantasy and I have to keep telling myself that. X*x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi YF, you have done such a courageous amaxing thing but leaving your abuser. You are giving b your children a chance at a life free of abuse. Be prepared for them to really push your buttons. They’ve had a great teacher after all. Maybe start the ball rolling to get them h**p through your doctor or even worth the help of WA. They work so well with abused children. Even if he didn’t abuse your babies directly, indirectly he abused them when he abused you. So take credit where it’s due, you have been the responsible parent, you are putting your and your children’s needs before his. Much love and strength. If you need to protect this other woman you can ask the police to do a disclosure on her behalf. Noone would know who it’s came from, if they feel there’s a problem and her safety is at risk, they’ll inform her, but at no point will your name/ details be at risk of being identified
IWMB 💞💞

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