- This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Me too x*x
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It’s onLy the good him that you miss. Our brain pushes the bad memories to the back and the good ones to the front as a way to protect us from the pain. You miss the good times, of which I’m sure there were many. Otherwise we wouldn’t stay. Make a list of all the times he hurt you and how that made you feel. Google trauma bonding. A trauma bond is what makes it so hard to leave an abuser and it lastS a long time after we leave. It’s a form of brain washing. The very person who is abusing you and hurting you is the only one who can make the pain stop. The intermittent kindness mixed with the cruelty alters your brain chemistry and bonds you to your abuser. It takes time, zero contact and being kind to yourself to break that bond. But you can do it. Have you done the Freedom Programme. I’d highly recommend it x Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Healing From Hidden Abuse. Both books helped me immensely. Meantime limit the stress and projects you take on until you feel stronger. Mindfulness, walking and anything that brings a smile to your face. A favourite comedy. And hugging pillows and cushions is comforting too. So surround yourself with cushions and pillows. Perhaps find a counsellor or talk to your GP if you’re struggling. The Samaritans are great listeners and there’s the Domestic Abuse Helpline too. I’ve walked in your shoes and there’s a good special life waiting for you with the added wisdom you’ll have. Keep going 💕
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Done all that. Still miss him. Only missing the good him doesn’t make it any less real.
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Hey I think its so normal -and they can be so lovely when it suits them and its hard being alone and lonely after so many years and drama is what is our normal. But you made the break you are so brave and it does get easier I promise. Bit by bit we stop missing them and slowly we choose safety and freedom and step into a life of our choosing. Im learning healing is not a race its a journey and some days are terrible but I get into my own safe bed every night and sigh a huge sigh of relief. Stay Strong – you can do this
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