I miss him so much

[Esiotrot]

I left my ex over (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and one of the reasons was his behaviour. I don’t know if it was abuse. He told me I was very difficult to live with. There were a number of incidents where he hurt me or hurt himself and said I’d driven him to it. He said nothing he ever did made me happy but i just felt so sad at the way he treated me and spoke to me. I couldn’t believe he truly loved me if he was willing to treat me the way he did.

I thought leaving him would be some kind of release but I’ve never been so unhappy. He has made tons of new friends, everyone thinks he’s amazing and all he does is tell me if I’d sorted myself out sooner we could’ve been together.

The children live with me and he sees them regularly, he is a better father than he ever was a partner. There are no issues with maintenance; he pays regularly. We keep in touch most days to see how each other are but it always descends in him saying I dont do enough to help myself, he’s immediately cross if I don’t sound happy or upbeat. I wish I could not have any contact with him but I don’t know how feesible it is with the kids.
I’m so depressed and alone. I wish I’d just put up with his behaviour and stayed so at least then I wouldn’t be alone.

I can’t cope with how much better his life is without me. Surely then, he was right all along and it was just me making him act like that?

I am so desperately unhappy. And I don’t even have him anymore.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

Its good that his paying manintenance and being a good father, that doesnt mean his good for u, he still underminds you and expects you to behave a certain way , a sign to keep away. Dont worry if he has made loads of friends, they all seem to do this and live some fake life , even if he is happy good for him, but u need to keep away as you are not compatiable with him.

Maybe having less contact with him would help, your not together so apart from kids contact u dont need to speak, how about reducing the calls , what u do with your life is your business now, sounds like his keeping contact just to check on your progress and what u doing

[Esiotrot]

Hearing that we are not compatible is really hard. I would’ve done anything to make it work.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Esiotrot (great name!)

I think you are being triggered by seeing and speaking to him all the time, he is using it to continue to put you down and big himself up, and it’s stopping you from healing.

Could you try the ‘grey rock’ method where you basically arrange for him to see the kids but that’s it, none of this chatting over the phone stuff, it is clearly making you very depressed.

These men are great at creating illusions, who knows the reality of his life behind closed doors. The fact that he is shaming you, putting you down and treating you like a child would suggest he is really not someone you want to return to.

I know how hard it is being lonely, it is extremely tough. I think it’d help if you moved your focus onto yourself, your goals and dreams, and each day started taking steps towards them. It will help take your mind off your ex and start to build a new better life for you. Ie. maybe you could try dance lessons, or join a walking group, volunteer as a dog walker, or feeding the homeless, or sign up to sewing or language classes – whatever it is you fancy, to give you a new focus and some enjoyment.

Also try not to isolate yourself, as its easier for them to become the only people we talk to, and that’s how they manipulate us.

I am certain that once your confidence and self esteem builds back up you will wonder what you ever saw in this man who did not treat you the way you deserve.

[lover of no contact]

Welcome Esiotrot to the Forum,

Can I add that he is still abusing you even though he is an ex. You are still being abused that’s why you are feeling bad and low. Contact with your strengthens him and weakens you. But thankfully the opposite applies. You go minimum contact with him and you will start to feel better. If you don’t know how he’s doing in life then you won’t be upset. What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Time to erect that boundary so that what he’s doing with his life and who is in his life, that information can’t come into your head.

I have to make sure I don’t let my ex come into the conversations with my children and I, otherwise it triggers me in the same way you are being triggered.

I would stop the daily contact with your ex, then he can’t put you down or criticize you. He needn’t know what your mood is. The children can have contact with him without you being there when he comes to collect them etc. Stay upstairs or in another room. You’ll be surprised at how much better you feel when he no longer has access to you.

Keep posting and we’ll share our experiences of how to have minimum contact with an ex when children are involved. We’ve all been where you are now.

Let your ex find someone else to put down and cause to be upset so he feels powerful, don’t let it be you.

[Emmlogan]

Hi Esiotrot

I like to think of my ex as a giant slimy leach who sucked the goodness and the confidence out of me for as long as he was attached to me. This helps so much with the no contact thing as I know that as soon as I let him reattached his disgusting leachy self, on he will go, sucking out my new found confidence and happiness.

It seems like this is my be what you ex is doing to you, and the more goodness he sucks from you during his daily bouts of attaching himself, the bigger he is getting, but he’s full of what he has sucked from you. I know you can’t go completely no contact with this guy but the less time you allow him to leach your goodness, the more time you will have to grow bigger and stronger yourself…. And as a bonus, it will drive him mad that you are finally on to what his is doing.

I hope this helps. Stay strong. Stay away from the leach 💟

[lover of no contact]

Brilliant Emmlogan, I love your analogy.

They really are leaches. ugh!

[Emmlogan]

Lover of no contact, thanks! I honestly find it a really helpful way to think of him. I am on second week of 100% no contact, a decision I made after realising that that is what they do once you reply back to their emails or texts. It’s like they dry up and get shrivelled without being able to feed from us so they Have to get in touch by any means possible so they can feed from us again.

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