I must be mad

[Anonymous]

Although I’m in a refuge, I’ve been told to allow contact between my ex-partner and our child.

We were meeting once a week at a soft play and i kept conversation to a minimum.

He upped the charm offensive and asked to see our child more. I made arrangements for twice weekly contact. I got to the point of saying it was appropriate for me not to be there anymore, for them to see each other without me, and he would say there was no need, it was nice if I went along too for whatever activity they were doing. Then he began suggesting I went for dinner when he had our daughter or that I meet him for lunch while he’s on his break. I didn’t do either and kept emails really polite and said it was unnecessary to invite me along too. He said he would keep asking anyway. I asked why he thought e needed to and he said it’s because I’m his child’s mother and he cant switch his caring for me off.
Then he withdrew contact with me.
Since then, there’s been an incident in refuge and i have to move (they have a policy not to evict anyone and i can’t stay as the aggressor is allowed to stay here after being repeatedly awful to me)
I have a provisional space in a refuge at the other end of the country to move to next week. I told child’s father that we won’t be so near as of next week and he thinks it’s OK to suggest I move in to his sitting room until I get back on my feet. He was really offhand about it and told me to just stop messing about and gp and rent somewhere so he can see his child. He’s npy considering for one moment the impact of his actions has had pn us. The upheaval we’ve suffered or that he’s sold my possessions and feels justified to have done so. Why am I so upset that he’s being this way?? Part of me feels clear he’s abusove, and part of me thinks I am abusive or controlling. After all, I chose the furthest place possible to be referred to – isn’t that just me being spiteful?

[Whosthatgirl]

I think you’re instinct to get far away is right hun. You’re not abusive for protecting yourself from his manipulation. Your head it’s spinning because you’re still in a relationship with him really. This dynamic he’s engineered is unhealthy and very risky for you. Go far away. If you really think contact is right for your child’s then do it through a contact centre so you don’t see him but i think you need advice as to whether that’s the way to go. Speak to WA and your gp and see what advice they give based on your history with this man but my gut says if you’re being offered a place far away its because someone thinks that’s best for you x

[KIP.]

Any contact is toxic and plays mind games and that’s what he’s doing. He’s trying to hook you back into a dangerous and dysfunctional relationship. Try to remember the reasons why you have to go to a refuge. Write it down. All the abuse you’ve suffered. These men very often use child contact to continue the abuse and that’s exactly what he’s doing. As human beings we crave what is normal to us. Even if that normal is an unhealthy relationship. Take your child and move as far away as you can. Absolutely zero contact with him from now on. Protect yourself and your child from him. Listen to your gut x

[Author]

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