I need advice

[doglady]

Hi there,

I am new to this so please bare with me. I just do not know what to do anymore, I feel like my head is going to explode): I think I have come too the realisation that my partner has been emotionally abusing me for years, I only figured it out when I came across the term ‘gaslighting’. He just makes me so b****y small all the time! Nothing is ever good enough for him, he moans when I work to much, he moans when I work to much. He called me fat for a good (detail removed by moderator), even telling everyone that (detail removed by moderator) as if it was some kind of incentive. I did actually loose quite a bit of weight, he then proceeded to tell me I was too skinny. He has done some really really stupid things ei (detail removed by moderator) we went on a night out, we came back and he instantly started on me for no reason, calling me some really awful names. He then proceeded to get into his (detail removed by moderator) drunk and (detail removed by moderator) and ended up putting himself in intensive care. He made me feel so bad about what he done, he said (detail removed by moderator). This same scenario happened (detail removed by moderator), this time I stayed at home with our child and he went out, he was so b****y drunk when he get home, he threw up everywhere but I just felt it and cleaned it up, he then done it (detail removed by moderator) and that was it, I did tell him to get out (I now regret that decision) he then started calling me the horrible names again and picked up (detail removed by moderator) just smashed it right in front of me, told me to sleep on the sofa and he got back into bed! This was all while my child was sleeping in the next week..he has never been violent towards me but that really out things into perspective.

Not a day goes by when he doesn’t call me a(detail removed by moderator). I think I may also be a little bit depressed, so I told him about this and he said (detail removed by moderator) he also threatened too tell my dad (detail removed by moderator), like I am so sort of child! I do work but my money situation isn’t the best, I do usually have too go into my overdraft by the end of the month which he relishes in! I will be sitting there worrying about money while he goes out and buys a (detail removed by moderator) present for himself. He is constantly putting me down in front of his friends and talking to me like a piece of poo on the end of his shoe.

I just feel so stupid because I did get out of this once when my child was younger but he just made me feel like I couldn’t live without him, he made me feel like I relied on him for everything so I ended up going back. He has such a hold on me that I just cannot leave. We live in his house (detail removed by moderator), I don’t have any savings to just leave. He knows he has these holds on me and he loves it! He did also say too me if I ever left again he would be keeping the child..which is insane because he doesn’t do anything for her anyway.

I just need some advice on what to do..it has got too the point where I just don’t see the point anymore. My child has also started noticing that mummy is sad and always crying and that is not ok, she shouldn’t have too he worrying about things like that! I also don’t want her to think it is okay for a bloke to treat a women the way he is treating me. I feel so low, emotional, sad, worthless and I just need some help.

I am so sorry for this long speech but it has felt really good to just get it off my chest. Please do tell me if I’m in the wrong as there are times that I think this is just normal or it is me making him feel this way..he did have a pretty bad upbringing so I kind of get it but he really is making me feel that I can’t do right from wrong. I am constantly racking my brain on what I’ve done now or watching myself just in case I do something to effect his mood in the future.

Thank you for listening xx

[Whyohwhy]

Hi, I am new too. I also have a young daughter. I was with my partner for many years before my daughter came along but it was having her that made me realise how wrong our relationship was and I also didn’t want her growing up thinking that it was acceptable behaviour. I started organising things to make my departure easier if the time came, separating my stuff from his keeping important things in my bag. Finally the time came when I got the final straw, I left with my daughter and my bag (and my car). If you can stay with family then do so. I moved in with a family member and have been there a long time now. It’s not ideal but it’s better than living the life we had, walking on eggshells and isolated from friends and family. Sometimes a step backwards in living arrangements is better if it gives you a big step forward in mental health and independence. I hope you find the courage when the time comes to make the step for a better life xx

[Lisa]

Hi Doglady

Welcome to the forum, I just wanted to show you some support along with Whyohwhy.

It’s not ok for your partner to call you names, you don’t do anything wrong. You are having to walk on eggshells which isn’t right, it must be so difficult for you. He is emotionally and financially abusive towards you and you deserve so much better. It’s sad that your child is starting to notice how unhappy you are, you do have options so please don’t give up.

If you feel ready to talk about your options, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Take care and please keep posting,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

It isn’t your fault, it really isn’t. Its also his fault that your child is noticing how unhappy you are. He is the author of this situation and he’s not showing concern about your child when he’s abusing you, or seeing you unhappy.

You being worried like this makes you a good mum, and it often takes having help from others to get the strength and plan together to make change. Thinking and planning takes energy that women being abused struggle to find in the midst of the abuse, turning to others can be a source of energy and strength to act to make it stop.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Author]

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