i need advice – i kicked him out but he left his stuff

[Anonymous]

help, so i kicked my narc out, it was the most horrendous day of my life.

(detail removed by moderator)  later i asked him to collect his stuff or i would presume he didnt want it and would deal with it. I got one call to say yes he wanted and that he didnt have time to get it. (detail removed by moderator) later (I think)ijust lost the plot and ditched so much stuff its was horrible. time went by – no contact, nothing, despite message after message, nothing – silence

i feel awful that i did that, the guilt is killing me. he is now in touch with me and asking me for his stuff or money….

he said that what i did was illegal. and im now coming apart at the seams.

please can someone advise me becuas i am really not coping with this at all

[KIP.]

Block him completely. He had his chance after chance to collect his belongings and chose not to. You’re not a storage facility and abusers deliberately leave belongings as a hook back in. Block him and if he continues to contact you then report him to the police for harrassment. Do not give him any money. Do not acknowledge anything to do with his belongings. Block him.

[Anonymous]

i already admitted it – the thing is i had a breakdown and i just dont remember all the details of getting rid of so much stuff including my own. it was awful

[Anonymous]

have i broken the law? he also told me that he slept with someone else while we were broke up

[KIP.]

No you haven’t broken the law. Please don’t listen to him at all. Abusers are liars. He’s messing with your head. The law is based on fairness and he had plenty opportunity to collect his stuff. I think you’ve been more than fair. He’s now using this to further abuse you. Don’t give him the opportunity. Absolutely zero contact is what you need now x for the sake of your mental health and your safety x

[maddog]

I threw away or smashed everything that belonged to my ex that wouldn’t fit into a box. He’d had more than enough time to collect it. It really doesn’t matter what you said to him. KIP is absolutely right that abusers use this tactic as a means to get back to you .

You certainly haven’t broken the law by having a clear-out. He took what he wanted when he left, and you gave him ample opportunity to collect anything he may have forgotten.

He left and it’s his responsibility to take his stuff.

You can report his threatening behaviour to the police. It’s really worth having it on record with them as it builds up a pattern of behaviour. This isn’t your fault. It’s his.

[Anonymous]

whats the law on this stuff? he is asking me to replace what has been disposed of

[KIP.]

It was his responsibility to remove his belongings. If you left your belongings in a strangers house and refused to collect it they would have every right to dispose of it. He’s simply using this stuff as a means to keep you hooked in. To maintain contact. Block him. Ignore him and ring the police if he persists in contact.

[maddog]

He would have to provide evidence that property belonged to him usually through a receipt. He would have to prove that he hadn’t already removed the article(s).

He’s threatening you, and really it isn’t your problem. Unless he can provide a receipt and provide evidence that whatever is missing was on your property, and not somewhere else, he’s bullying you.

He will have to provide proof of purchase and evidence that he didn’t take it with him. In the first instance, it’s his responsibility to provide this, in a ‘friendly’ way to you.

Unless he’s said, I want to collect my x,y z from your house, basically he’s making it up.

My ex did the same.

Please ignore his threats. Please contact the police. Abusers use this tactic as a build-up.

Your sense of guilt is palpable.

The bottom line is that your ex left your home, you gave him time to collect anything he’d forgotten within a timeframe, then you had a clear out.

He’s trying to control you and exert power over you.

You’ve done nothing illegal by clearing your home of the belongings of an ex partner. He’s the one pushing the boundaries and it’s part of his abusive pattern.

[Anonymous]

hes telling me that i have to replace everything

[maddog]

And I’m telling you that unless he can prove ownership, and that he left his belongings where he is telling you he did, he’s doing this to abuse and terrify you. He doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on.

Please block him. Don’t respond. Don’t make verbal contact. His texts can be used as evidence of abuse/stalking behaviour.

Please also contact Women’s Aid. You’re being abused and you’ve done nothing wrong. DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM. Let him text whatever he wants. Do not respond. You will be feeding him with any contact. Allow him to hang himself by his own rope.

[maddog]

I’m really sorry if I sound shouty. I, like so many others here have been in your situation. Please keep posting. The fear you feel is real, and I don’t want to undermine you. I remember the overwhelming fear of having done something wrong by destroying his belongings in rage. I knew what things were important to him and I destroyed them.

I remember well the fear and the threats. I remember it being a reality. It was a terrifying time. We’re all here to hold your hand. xx

[Empoweredhealing]

Also beware of why you are continuing contact with him after the relationship has ended. Be really honest with yourself about your motives in continuing to engage in the same chaos and drama. Sometimes, we can be in so much pain after this type of breakup that our ego will use any excuse to continue to engage with the abuser. At least if you have contact, the relationship haven’t really ended. At least that’s what your pain will tell you.

The reality is that the only way to reclaim your sanity is to stop listening to this man’s insane ramblings.

[Anonymous]

I need some support right now – my feeelings are all over the place

i have ben diagnosed with severe depression, OCD and PTSD

I was doing ok – but now im shot again, he wants recompense and i have no money – he had it all from me. i just about my my mortgage i am in so much debt

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid or the national domestic abuse helpline which is open 24/7. There’s also a chat facility on this website. He’s abusing you and he’s making you ill. He’s entitled to nothing. He’s an abuser and it sounds like he’s been financially abusing you too which is illegal. Do not have any contact with him. Do not believe a word he says. He’s a liar. You owe him nothing.

[Anonymous]

I feel so awful, truly awful. why do i feel like this – i only ever loved this man and the fact is that i still do. do anything to make him happy, make him feel that life is good and positive and that its not a day in a supermarket grab to get everything you can

[KIP.]

You’ve been brainwashed and programmed by his abuse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. Loving him won’t stop him abusing you because he simply doesn’t love you. He is using you and abusing you. Only zero contact can break this trauma bond x

[Anonymous]

i am now being threatened, he is so angry about his things, i dont know jhow to cope – i can feel myself shutting down again

[Living Warrior]

Hi hunni. im sorry you are going through this.

you do not owe him anything. the messages you sent him to get his stuff, SCREEN SHOT THEM and keep them as evidence, try and log the fact he didnt reply… shrink the screen so you can see the messages one after another/ save the messages to email or onedrive, whatever it takes. This is PROOF that you gave him a chance and he refused to deal with the issue.

keep all the messages, record calls, keep a log of everything, i wrote a topic on stalking and harrassment logging. if you click on my profile and the forum button it shows u everything i have posted. make a stalking and harrassment incident log book (google them) log every msg, call, anytime he shows up, what was said etc in as much detail as possible, this way you can get a non molestation order to stop him contacting you, and coming to your house.

before you can do this though, you need to put in writing text will do, that the relationship is over, and you no longer wish to have contact.

how you put it is upto you. but police told me its the only way you can prove you have ended the relationship, anything after that is harrassment. this way he cant say that you have changed your mind, or never told him, or say its just a spat, or whatever excuse he makes up.

also, it helps you, just in case you get an officer who isnt as well knowledgable in this area.
you report the messages, etc etc, and they will keep a log (even if they refuse to do anything, you get a number to record, each incident you then repeat the number and that adds to your proof.)

This is your way of covering your a*s incase things get worse, which is what happens sometimes. you may never need you evidence or harrassment. but better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have proof of the incidents 🙂

i hope this helps.
feel free to browse my past posts, there is quite a bit of info on helping ourselves. 🙂

good luck hunni. stay strong!

[Anonymous]

I have too many missing memories – i cant recall some of this stuff, my mind wont tell me anymore

[KIP.]

Ring the police and tell them he’s threatening you.

[Anonymous]

i havent the courage – we have spoken today and he is in victim mode. blaming me for all sorts of stuff. that i have destroyed his belongings

i havent i have disposed of them

[KIP.]

While there is contact between you he will simply carry on his abuse of you. Try to work on blocking him. Start with an hour at a time.

[Eggshells]

Hi Roundroundround,

Please listen to the ladies and block him. This is really important. The more you engage with him, the worse you will feel. He’s not calling you and texting you to make you feel good – his sole purpose now is to try and guilt trip you into giving him money that you do not owe him.

The ladies have been very clear. You have not broken the law. He doesn’t have a leg to stand in.

If I’m honest, he’s probably not really that angry. If he was genuinely fussed about his stuff, he’d have picked it up long before now.

The anger is fake. He has learned that anger scares you so he is now trying to scare you because he feels vindictive and he wants to hurt you.

If you have PTSD then you will have no chance of recovery whilst you continue to engage with him. Unless you stop all contact, the abuse will never, ever end.

[Anonymous]

sorry that i have not replied to these messages. i got into bed on friday afternoon and didnt get up until this morning. i am grinding my teeth, and i have the worst headache ever.

to top it off when he assaulted me the last time, a tooth became lose, and it fell out on Friday night, i hate myself. my teeth are now falling out

i have no chance of getting through this

there was no contact this weekend, but i know its coming, my daughter was so sick last week after he made contact – she seems better now that there has been no contact

but im am so down and i am wauiting for more threats

[Anonymous]

i am afraid that i have broken the law and that he wants yet more money from me that i just do not have. i am so destroyed

[Anonymous]

will i always feel this dread, i cant get dressed, barely eating, i am functioning just about – and its such good job that i work from home, otherwise I would be jobless too.

i am struggling more since the contact than i did before, and its making me feel sick. i am waiting on calls from my DV / WA in my area, and i am on such high alert. i hear a tiny noise and i am up at the window.

if i didnt have feelings for him it would be different, but then i keep thinking aabout all the terrible things that he has done and he just wont take responsibility – what did i do wrong? how can i go from being the woman of his life to being a downtrodden wreck

[KIP.]

You won’t always feel this way. It sounds like post traumatic stress disorder and I’d urge you to contact your GP. And also to talk to the police. They will be far more interested in him than what you may have done. Abusers are liars x

[Anonymous]

Hello KIP

I have been diagnosed with OCD and PTSD, as well as severe depression and anxiety. i am waiting for a safety plan before i do anything.

i need to war inside me to stop. i just want it to stop

[KIP.]

Ok. The war inside will start to abate when you feel safe. That means reporting him to the police. Taking all the help you are offered and limiting the new stresses in your life. So keep things simple and to a minimum. Keep hydrated and force yourself to eat. I could only manage an egg a day but at least it was something and keep drinking. The you need to try to calm that voice by mindfulness, watching mindless movies. I watched the same one again and again. It helped me to know my enemy so read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Keep posting and reading other posts. You’re not alone and this will pass. It’s going to take time for your brain to work through the trauma. You’re going to be on high alert for a while so try to rest when you can.

[Anonymous]

i am so stupid – i had a really bad day yesterday and i called him – WHY did i do that – he tells me i need to go and get his stuff, that i need to go where (removed by moderator). i keep telling him that wasnt the case. he is blaming me for everything. he telling me how is life is ruined and that i will never change no matter how much therapy i have. he threatened me with the courts and the police and that what i have done is illegal.

i cant sleep – i cant eat.

this just seems to get worse every time i look at it – whats the point? the despair i feel wont ever stop

i know it wont

[Anonymous]

i changed my name on my fb account and he tells me that i am a freak, that i am false

why cant he just stop the arguing?

why is this so hard all the time

can someone please tell me that this is not right and not normal?

[Anonymous]

why are the weekends the hardest

I feel so weak

[Lisa]

Hi roundroundround,

I wanted to see how you are doing? Keep posting when you can, it can really help to offload to us here.

Take care,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

im doing badly… really badly

[Lisa]

Hi roundroundround,

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through at the moment. I can really hear from your posts that you are struggling right now. It sounds like you are having a really difficult time and being very hard on yourself and blaming yourself for what’s happening.

It is very normal to struggle to break away from an abusive relationship. Abusers can be so manipulative and convincing that it is very difficult not to be sucked in by their reality and ignore our own instincts, which can stop us from looking after our own interests and can have a huge impact on our self esteem and self worth. What you’re going through is not your fault.

As others have said, the best way to begin to be free of his abuse is to try and limit contact. It can be really helpful to have some space to process things and consider what is best for you right now. Although we all understand that it’s easier said than done.

If you feel like it would help to speak to someone, you could use the chat service on the Women’s Aid website to speak to a support worker about what you’re going through? https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Alternatively, your local domestic abuse support service may offer counselling and empowerment programmes that might be helpful. They can also offer support and advice over the phone. You can find your local service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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