I need advice please

[Emptybutfree]

It’s been months since I’ve been out. I have been working and trying to keep as ‘normal’ as possible, for the children.

I feel like I’ve taken a million steps back.
I just want to talk to him, I wonder if this time has made him realise what he has done.

I thought after this amount of time that I’d be ok, but I am far from ok.

I’m having terrible dreams, I can’t get him out of my mind… what about if he really was my soul mate and just made a lot of mistakes?

Can these people ever change?
Am I being ridiculous?
Does he love me?
Is he sorry?

I’m having a lot of triggers but it is making me want him more, almost as though I want him to tell me everything is going to be ok?!

What am I thinking and why am I thinking this?

My heart hurts. I need to do something because I can’t carry on like this much longer.

[Eggshells]

Hi Emptybutfree

I think its quite common for women to feel this way. Have you heard of trauma bonding?

When you are in stages 1 & 2 of the abuse cycle, tension builds until there is an abuse incident. During these phases you produce cortisol keeping you on high alert. After the abuse incident comes stage 3, reconciliation. At stage 3, your cortisol levels drop and you produce dopamine in response to your partner’s love bombing. Dopamine is a feel good hormone. As the dopamine is connected to your partner’s show of affection, you become bonded to him following the trauma he has caused you – hence “Trauma bonding” you to him.

This would explain why you are craving his company after having a bad dream about him. You need him to shower you with affection to get that rush of dopamine. This response does fade over time.

I also began having bad dreams a few months after I left. I subsequently received EMDR on the NHS which seems to have helped.

I also had the same fears as you. What if he really was my soul mate and the improved version of him was just around the next bend? Better days always seemed to be just ahead. That was the illusion that kept me in the relationship and in constant hope.

I was reassured by those who know about this stuff that he wasn’t my soul mate, he wasn’t sorry and he didn’t love me. As hard as it was for me to accept this, it turned out that they were right. As the divorce progressed his behaviour became more and more abusive. In the end, I fled the county after being risk assessed as being at high risk of harm.

My adult children are still in contact with him and they assure me that there has been no change for the better.

Please harness as much support as you can through this time. Speak to your GP, see if you can get trauma therapy on the NHS, Google ways to naturally raise your dopamine and keep any true friends and loving family close.

It’s early days yet and you are just beginning your journey of recovery and discovery. There will be highs and lows ahead – it can be a bumpy ride but it will be worth it. xx

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