7th April 2021 at 11:08 am #124445gettingtiredParticipant
He’ll be going away for a day and night soon (which never happens!). It’s been planned for a while and he’s wanted me to go with him ever since it first came about. It’s an opportunity for me to move out whilst he’s gone though. Not that I think I can actually go through with it 😰 I’m too scared/anxious and feeling trapped by all my emotions wrapped up in the relationship. Even though I’m desperately unhappy.
Some days aren’t as bad and I’m able to think of the positives of leaving, some days I feel like I have no hope for the future whatsoever and I hate my life and am just floating around existing.
I still can’t bare to tell my family what’s been going on. In that respect I think there is something seriously wrong with me.
So far I’ve managed to make excuses to him that I’ll have to ask my work about it.
His family have already told me to go with him which feels like added pressure. Adding to the guilt.
Can anyone think of an excuse as to why my work can’t let me have it off? He knows they usually honour days off if I ask in advance so he could be suspicious and I’m struggling to think of a legitimate reason.
I will be starting back at work for the first time in months before this date of him going away. He’s asking me to ask them. Behind his back I’ve already asked them for those days off and they’ve said yes.
I did think of feigning illness on the day and saying I can’t go with him but he would probably end up furious if I let him down last minute. Then he may not even go himself. I know he’s anxious about going by himself which makes me feel guilty but I guess that’s just another example of me feeling responsible to help him with his anxiety.
Like I said, I don’t actually think I can do it. I’m just so consumed by everything and the countdown is making me feel like I’m trying to dissociate myself from reality or something. It’s like my mind is trying to block it out.
Either way, I don’t want to go with him so that I at least have the option of moving out if I’m brave enough. Who knows, maybe last minute I’ll spring into action and get out, or maybe I’ll just sit at home crying that I can’t do it. At this point, I’ve no idea what I’ll do.
Without sounding rude, my local domestic abuse service have been useless. They’re only really interested in whether I need a refuge (which I don’t and have told them multiple times) and the support worker seems to have a refusal to tell me whether or not she read my notes from the initial assessment I did with them. So I’ve given up on the idea of them providing me with any emotional support.
7th April 2021 at 4:16 pm #124467DarcyParticipant
Hi beautiful Angel … gettingtired,
What a tricky situation you are in, however I do think you have been blessed with a window of opportunity to get out.
Could you say that because of lockdown/covid you are so short staffed at work that they aren’t allowing any annual leave until lockdown lifts??
I wouldn’t usually encourage lying at all, but I totally understand how it is, and how it is, is survival.
When you do think about leaving visulise all us woman from the forum there with you, helping you and propping you up, along with all the other people who have given you support in your life, whether that is people who are now dead or still alive, people you know personally or people in the public eye. I’ve used this technique before, it empowers you that you are not walking into any situation alone.
I think if your family are supportive and it is safe to do so you should tell them and lean on them for support. A loving family do not want to see someone in it hurting. I also think by you sharing with them this will be the first step in you empowering yourself. The shame we feel from living in an abusive situation can be debilitating, but once we let this go we can again walk with our heads held high.
We have to own and acknowledge what is truly going on to be able to address it.
Sending you continued love and support
7th April 2021 at 4:45 pm #124469[email protected]Participant
What about saying you have a hospital appointment? No one is allowed in so once your at the hospital door he can’t come in if he drops you off even ? Xx
7th April 2021 at 7:03 pm #124478ISOPeaceParticipant
I found the build up to leaving worse than actually doing it. It was like I felt almost relief that on the day I left, that all I had to do was pack up and go. I didn’t have to decide anything or work anything out, everything I had to do was simple (not easy but not complicated). I made sure I wrote the email I was going to send in advance because I didn’t want to have to make any decisions on the day of leaving (making stressful decisions can easily put me into a state of freeze). Hopefully you’ll find the same, especially if you try to keep remembering that the most important thing is getting yourself out safely. Any details just aren’t important in the end, even if they feel like it now.
As for work excuses, could you say you have a team training day that you can’t miss because it’s already been arranged for a day they expected you to be in (e.g. some expensive training on something important and new)? xxxx
7th April 2021 at 10:28 pm #124499LottieblueParticipant
I’m not sure what the rules are in your part of the country but is it legal for him to be going away? Could you say that work are being really strict about everyone sticking to the rules?
I agree with what’s been said above. This is a window of opportunity that you may not get again…
7th April 2021 at 11:21 pm #124500CatjamParticipant
As someone who has just left, there will always be an excuse or a reason not to leave. Staying put but unhappy seems a lot easier than the unknown.
I’m not going to lie, it’s been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I did have help though and I was so grateful for it. It was a work colleague and his wife. They knew the situation and when I started having a meltdown she calmed me down and helped me focus on the reasons I was leaving.
Even now I am arguing with myself as to whether it was the right thing to do.
None of us know what the future holds but I am so grateful for the help and support on here.
It’s a huge step you are taking but we are all in this together.
Stay strong xx
8th April 2021 at 9:40 am #124511BusyditchParticipant
I have also just left, but it would not have been possible without my GP, her support and guidance has literally carried me… still is! My life had become so horrific I was just a mere shell. I felt I was at the point I had no choice because I was just as afraid of myself as I was my husband.
The charity near me have been amazing but only since my GP put a referral in for me. Talk to your GP, he/she might give you some ideas. It’s a huge decision and if you are beginning to doubt you will go maybe you need that support to give you confidence to go through with it if it’s what you truly want?
As for excuses, (removed by moderator). Maybe tell him you had forgotten that you promised to feed someone’s cat when they are going away, or they are having surgery at the hospital?
8th April 2021 at 10:27 am #124514HawthornParticipant
Could you share with your boss whats happening and your plan to escape? There are myriad reasons why you couldn’t get the day off; training day, maybe covid related, not long open again post covid, lack of staffing etc. Perhaps under normal circumstances your leave is granted, but there’s nothing normal about a global pandemic. You’ve not been in work for ages because of it, your only just back and no leave is allowed in the short term for non essential reasons. End of conversation. He won’t like it, but he doesn’t like anything that isn’t exactly how he wants it.
Darcy gave some great advice about visualisation. Try to visualise yourself with all your things packed, calm and strong with your head held high, walking out the door of your prison and into your new life. Try to make it as vivid as possible; what clothes you will wear, how you’ll wear you hair, maybe a perfume you’ll put on. Breathe slowly and imagine how strong and in control of your life you will feel as you walk out of this life that is making you so miserable and into a new one, where anything is possible.
Because it is possible. You CAN do this, but you must believe you can do it. And believing it begins with telling yourself over and over, even if you don’t believe it. Fake it til you make it xx
12th April 2021 at 10:41 pm #124722gettingtiredParticipant
Thank you everyone and sorry it’s taken me a while to reply. I feel like I’ve been avoiding coming on here or reading things on here properly for the last week as I’ve been trying to block things out of my mind 😟
I’ve had another verbal berating from him tonight. There’s a certain event happening for me tomorrow yet here we are(detail removed by moderator) with him trying to throw me out of the house. He’s completey destroyed me mentally again this evening with his attacks on me. So why is it I’m hoping he’ll be ok tomorrow? I guess because it makes my life easier but then when he’s being nice I feel dreadful thinking about leaving. How am I going to do it?? 😪 I just feel crushed. I saw a post someone titled about wanting the world to stop so they can get off and that’s exactly how I feel. Xxxx
14th April 2021 at 12:16 pm #124774KIP.Participant
Can you make a promise to yourself that the very next incident from him will be your last?you’re hoping it will be okay because you’ve been programmed to think that way. And so the cycle of abuse continues x
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