I need closure, I need some help

[Lili n Lom Lom]

I’m sorry this is very LONG! I am new to this group and am struggling.

I just can’t have this conversation normally.

Do I prosecute but risk the judicial system possibly letting me down and the exposure/ possible risk to me?

Do I continue with counselling and hope eventually I’ll get some closure?

Do I write a book, maybe this may help others, help myself and seek closure in that way?

I want this man to be held to account for all the years I endured, my children witnessed and suffering he caused, I need closure, I need to move on.

I was in a relationship for many years that was beyond description. I endured psychological emotional, violent and torturous abuse that never seemed to have an end. I cannot count how many times, my life was risked, I was (detail removed by Moderator), strangled, sometimes losing consciousness, thrown over (detail removed by Moderator), severely bitten, punched, kicked, my head butted, banged on walls, floors or hit with weapons, held up with knives to my throat or (detail removed by Moderator), spat at (detail removed by Moderator), he would later have sex with me, (detail removed by Moderator), if I resisted then he would go into a violent rage again, so I didn’t resist. (I realise now this for what it us)

He told me I was a joke, a laughing stock and nobody cares about me as well as every nasty name and insult you could think of….I absolutely believed him in the end I thought I was a joke a laughing stock and nobody cared, because in the end I was alone!

(I lost every friend and family member during this time he fully isolated me apart from one neighbour that kept trying to help)
Every tactic of absolute control keep me there, I would be locked in or handles taken off doors, the children taken with him or locked in with me.. (detail removed by Moderator) and what would I do any way, (detail removed by Moderator). My children and I were at risk if he was ever arrested, he would turn it into a (detail removed by Moderator), not a domestic violence thing.
Trust me police were around enough, and unless I pressed charges they weren’t able to do anything, I was let down by every agency out there. We were safeguarded so many times, health visitors, social services had visited many times, (detail removed by Moderator).
I had to be convincing it whatever I told them and unfortunately protected him to protect us.
Unless he would get remanded and a long sentence he’d back again and angrier, they could not protect me.
And what about the people he knew that were outside…that was my reality at the time.

I cannot explain all of this as it would go on forever but he’d say things such as.. if he went down for me he would (detail removed by Moderator), I absolutely believed him.. I would be dead, he’d have me killed, he had already threatened my friends (detail removed by Moderator), turned up kicking and screaming at my relatives door, beat my (detail removed by Moderator) up. He told me he would kill me and my daughter and I absolutely believed him, he had taken me off the road several times with me and the kids in the car, (detail removed by Moderator), told me my children would be removed from me,. (detail removed by Moderator)

In that time he had broken several of my bones, (detail removed by Moderator).
I’m sure he fractured my (detail removed by Moderator) but I wasn’t able to seek medical help at that point.

If I tried to leave the flat if I could during an argument he would follow me out of the house and the children would be on their own.. so I would have to walk back. If there was an argument I’d try to go up to bed but he’d (detail removed by Moderator). I had no choice but to face what was happening to protect my children.

If he went out it was easier to let him back through the door than the door being smashed in (detail removed by Moderator) and him coming in angry, I tried to keep him calm.
I questioned my own sanity. The mental abuse ontop of this left me confused, daised and in a perpetual state of fight or flight.
When my son was born the violence took another level as I was even more vulnerable with a baby in my arms he would beat me whilst I was (detail removed by Moderator)….nothing stopped him.

He taught my son to call me (detail removed by Moderator). He would hold my arms out straight and encourage my (detail removed by Moderator) year old son to hit my arm with (detail removed by Moderator).

The police could not have saved us, he was a psychopath I did what I needed to at the time to survive.

I was able to get away when the right collaborative team/support was around me. I thank them for my life to this day. My son was (detail removed by Moderator) and my daughter (detail removed by Moderator).

I never pressed charges to minimise risk and damage to us.
I made one statement in an absolute surreal and chaotic situation (detail removed by Moderator).
I had to (detail removed by Moderator) retract my statement as I was so petrified of what would happen to me!
I just wanted to get away and
block this out for many years.

I have a professional successful career now.

My older children are successful, my son has no lasting memory thankfully and is the nicest man I know.

I am so proud of my daughter she used every negative and made a positive, she has a degree in (detail removed by Moderator), works with (detail removed by Moderator) and an absolute ambassador of women’s rights…I worked so hard to turn my life around and hid my past, buried/suppressed what I could.

Then pop the lid burst off and reality hit me like a ton of bricks, it always did affect me…but now I have constant invaise memories, I have PTSD and my health is suffering.

I need closure

He never was held accountable for a single second of what he did.

What should I do now?

I have lots of medical records of injuries, about (detail removed by Moderator) crime ref of police call outs etc and my voice.
I worry the judicial system may let me down…Will I be torn to bits (He made sure he had many holds over me)

And at what risk to me

[tiredofitall]

Reading all that you went through I’m full of admiration at your strength and how you’ve turned things around. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like and I can certainly understand your overwhelming desire to want him to pay. I have no expertise here but from all I’ve seen about these men and the systems is that you have a lot to lose. Is it worth risking this man being back in your life? With no guarantee that you would get the result you want.

[Marmalade]

This is horrific. I admire you for turning your life around. Looking at your son’s age it was obviously many years ago and you have rebuilt your life.
How you proceed is your choice, but I would worry about you reopening this and triggering such a violent dangerous man. My own experience with the police is negative. I was and am desperate for my abuser to be brought to justice but I am very disillusioned. Justice is a lottery and your safety must be a priority. Please be very careful and weigh it up before you take any steps to move yourself back into that sphere.

[Watersprite]

Hi what an inspirational survivor and mother you are. To have escaped this survive and raise an amazing family is such an amazing strength. The legacy of such trauma leaves such wounds. Have you had any support for your PTSD ? Is now the time? Re accountability yep this man should be held to account for what he did. The question of if the criminal justice system is up to it is difficult. My experience with police was mixed and like you it was a collaborative safeguarding team that saved us. Having said that I would weigh up the risk of reporting vs not with your own need to try and get a justice that may not happen. Services are aware of him he is their responsibility not yours x You and your family deserve every happiness. There is no right answer – do what is right for YOU and we are here for you whatever you decide x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Lili,

You are a true survivor in every sense and have suffered horrendously at the hands of an evil criminal.
I fully understand your fears of leaving and the reasons why you stayed. Evil people with evil connections can ensure that others are harmed even when the main perpetrator is locked up. Thank goodness you finally had some support come together to help you get away for good and you have now rebuilt your life and your children are doing well.

As others have said, reporting him to the police now will be your personal choice. It seems there is a wealth of medical evidence, previous reports, some witnesses who can support this, but will witnesses wish to make statements and give evidence? With a man this violent and with criminal associates they may be unwilling. Many of the incidents you described are covered under today’s laws of Coercive and Controlling Behaviour (introduced in December 2015) and Non Fatal Strangulation (introduced a few months ago) and would certainly be enforced if these were happening now. Unfortunately, any crimes of this kind that occurred before the laws were passed will be unable to be charged, so if your abuse was pre 2015 then the serious assault offences may still be able to be prosecuted but not the other horrendous things you suffered.

I would also be concerned about what repercussions a criminal investigation could bring to your life now. I may be wrong, but from what I have read it seems to me that this man has been out of your life fully for a number of years now and you have moved on to some extent. I understand that HE is out of your life but the effects of what he has put you through are not – which is not surprising. You will need to weigh up if a process that brings him BACK in to your life will actually help with closure or make your life worse, because if he was to get arrested for historical abuse he certainly sounds like the sort of man that will not abide by any bail conditions and will make sure he comes back in your life for revenge.

My abuse was nowhere near as bad as yours, but we all know that abuse is not a ‘competition’ about us comparing who is suffering the most. I was a lady who minimised my abuse because it was nowhere near what you suffered but it was still awful to live with. I never wanted my ex punished through the legal system but I still needed to do something to help me deal with the aftermath. I chose to write a book and I self published it. I found that using my experience to try and help others from going through the same thing was my way of finding peace. By continuing to share my experiences and knowledge on this forum is also my way of helping others. I have been asked by some people why I can’t ‘just move on now that I’m over it’ and why I have to keep referring to it or bring it up time and time again and why I put myself in environments of continually being around abused women (writing on this forum for example, or my professional job). I tell people that if I don’t use what happened to me to help others then my abuse was for nothing, by helping others then some good came of it! That may sound strange but it works for me.

We never get over domestic abuse, we live forever in Recovery, we are never Recovered. It has changed me as a person, but it has changed me for the better. I am definitely not the woman I once was. It has impacted me in ways I never thought it would, it has changed my decision making process, it has made me realise what I want from a relationship and what I don’t want. I am still single now, many years down the line, I thrive and survive, I am a victor of my situation.

If telling your story will help you then tell it. Start writing a book, contact a women’s magazine and see if they will publish it (obviously with changed identities), contact your local DA services and see if they do local talks where they have guest speakers come in and tell their ‘survivor’s story’. I did this with my DA service when I was in refuge and told my story to a group of professionals in training whose job was to help victims of DA.

If contacting the police and finally giving your statement will help you then do that, but be mindful that the justice system doesn’t work as we hope it will and you could be let down. Also bear in mind that with barristers going on strike legal processes are already years behind and the seriousness of the offences of what you have suffered would end up at Crown Court, which could potentially be a 3-4 year wait for a trial.

I really admire your strength and ability to turn your life around, you are a real inspiration.

xx

[Lili n Lom Lom]

Wow!
Thank you all for taking the time to reply and sharing your experiences
I appreciate this more than I am able to articulate.
I’m a little overwhelmed in a good way!
I need time to absorb and respond.
I have just realised that the support I have been searching for is here, it’s profund!

Thank you for this space to share! Huge firsts for me to reach out to other survivors!
I feel like I have a place to talk to those who absolutely get me, I have felt so alone with it all!
OK I will be back
Your all amazing!
Wants to help, my god how amazing are you, I want to pick your brain!
X

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