I Need help :(

[Daisy500]

Hello,
I really am struggling at the moment, this is my first time posting. I’ve read alot of posts and related to them and I am at a complete loss, my doctor has prescribed me anti depressants on top of anti anxiety medication that I was already taking.

I’m not sure if I am alot to blame for the problems, i do answer back and argue when i think i should have just left it alone or done what hed asked. I’ve been left feeling guilty, confused and lonely, I’m staying with family now who get upset if I try and explain I still love him, even though I realise we shouldn’t be together.

I’ll start from the very beggining, I’m sorry its so long but it’s the first time I’ve told the story, theres alot more to it but ill try and stick to the most importamt bite, I’m hoping for some advice to help me get through this without (detail removed by moderator).

I left a completely different type of terrible relationship of cheating and staying out all night etc to meet this handsome man, he seemed a bit of a lone wolf but at the start was very intimate and claimed he had mental health problems (detail removed by moderator) and claimed to very sensitive to things along with a raging temper which he promised I’d never see. I moved in with him very quickly because I ended up helping him (detail removed by moderator) and we was together 24/7

My first injury was (detail removed by moderator) after having quite alot to drink I couldn’t really remember what happened and he said it was an accident (he is very big and alot stronger than me, but I’m not small and I’ve always stuck up for myself) he was so angry the next day that my (detail removed by moderator) was so swollen and black he told me to stay in the house and i lay in bed all day crying and he barely spoke to me, I felt maybe I had said something awful to him.

Months went on and there were alot of fights, he broke one of my ribs and I’d always fight back but end up just hurting my hands and wrists and making the situation worse. He taunted me about my weight. I’m a little over weight but very conscious about it and every thing that he knew would upset me he’d say and I’d end up getting so angry I seemed to be the one in the wrong. It seemed at one point he was psychotic.

He started “(detail removed by moderator)” the (detail removed by moderator) rather than punching because people were noticing bruises, one time was so hard my hearing went for a few days. The worst was an incident with a (detail removed by moderator) where he actually (detail removed by moderator), the wound was really bad, I lost alot of blood, I tried to leave the (detail removed by moderator) we was in (it was only us) but the police was going passed as i was trying to walk to my parents, i assumed they had been called and the thought of him being arrested mortified me so I dodged the police and went home to find him begging me not to tell anyone he was crying and wrongly called him (detail removed by moderator) i Said I didn’t want to be with him and he punched me in (detail removed by moderator), split my lip and my nose aswell as (detail removed by moderator) was pouring of blood. The next day a friend took me to hospital I had stitches and he was awful to me again, he wasn’t sorry at all expected me to (detail removed by moderator).

I immediately calmly started packing my things to leave and for the first time ever he begged me to stay said he would get help he was in tears he promised me an amazing future as a family and (detail removed by moderator). And I stayed. He swore he’d never lay a finger on me and it stayed like that for quite a while, he’d sometimes shout at me and I’d start cowering (not like me at all) and he’d apologise. I thought it was all really over and he’d changed.

The failing (detail removed by moderator) and in the transition it was very stressful, he started being violent and nasty again. I hid behind (detail removed by moderator) and he kicked it so hard that it hit my face and it swelled up again and I blacked out for a few seconds, yet another argument broke out about an hour later as he thought (detail removed by moderator), I was holding a (detail removed by moderator) and he lunged at me, I threw the (detail removed by moderator) on the floor and it smashed, cutting his leg the cut was small but very deep and he was rushed off to surgery and ended up (detail removed by moderator). I have never felt so guilty in my life and from this moment on he used that against me for everything, making me feel guilty. Doing lots of work, after this the beatings started up again and if he done anything he’d just say if I told anyone he would call the police about his leg.

Life was really tough I opened and ran the bussiness on my own looked after him, the house, (he has no friends or family) and I was so stressed. He started to keep all the money and what was in our joint account he always took in an argument or if I didn’t come home straight away he’d turn my cards off etc. I had basically drifted from all my friends, none of them liked him and my family said how much he’d changed me I was stressed and down. But I looked after him because I loved him so much.

Life carried on, his leg healed fine but held the grudge against me I think,he controlled everything and it was just easier to let him. If I wanted some time to myself after working (detail removed by moderator) weeks with him he would just go crazy, he took my cards, my keys, looked through my phone. This control and possession felt like the onpy typw of love i got from.him i felt like its because he cared, he was often distant and shouted at me if i was quirt a d not talking, but i was craving affection. Our sex life was amazing and the only time i felt loved.

I was only ever allowed to drink with him and I got horrendous hangovers which used to disgust him. I put some more weight on and he was furious at one point I wouldn’t go to the gym with him
Just because I always felt exhausted, he started calling me names. This carried on for most of our time together after but we had our good times which is the only thing I can think of now.

The last time we were together he was really aggressive, because I (detail removed by moderator), I seen him transferring the small amount of money in our joint account, so I got there and done it first after once again really hurting me. He was so angry I’d done it he hit himself in the head with his (detail removed by moderator) splitting g it open with blood everywhere. I hid in another room where he kicked an actual hole in the door and climbed through it, I was screaming and crying and a neighbor called the police. (detail removed by moderator) armed police came around I had a quick medical I said he hadn’t hurt me but they had seen bruises.

He was arrested, I didn’t press charges and I spent (detail removed by moderator) trying to get him out (We live abroad and its taken very seriously here) I spoke to a councilor who thinks he just shouted at me, hurt himself infront of me and kicked the door down and she made me realise how bad things were.

I waited for him to come out of the cells thinking he would be pleased I hadn’t pressed charges and denied it all but he wasn’t.

I packed my things left him once again I found a new job started trying to pull myself together, I found out so many lies, one being he hadn’t even (detail removed by moderator) and made me feel terrible for not being able to.

I started missing him so much it actually hurt. I was worried about him, I felt I was always doing something that would upset him, I missed the bussiness that basically I had built ( this was the (detail removed by moderator) time I’d moved out) I felt like I needed him, I messaged him and had no reply, so I went to see him where I just broke down into tears he said he would speak ro me later on and I found I’d just been blocked on everything. Which brings me to present day. I feel like I’m going crazy, why do I want to go back to him, why don’t I feel relieved with my fresh start, why can’t I just get him out my head I’m now getting some sort of silent treatment and it’s driving me insane. All I can think of is the good times I am praying that even though I’d lose everyone that’s supported me I pray that he will make some grand gesture and promise to change and we make a great life together. All which I know in reality is an awful idea. I (detail removed by moderator) today I had awful anxiety to the point of panic attacks in the night. I’m young and I know I need to stay away but how do I do it, it seems impossible and I’m starting to think there is something really wrong with me.

X

[searchingforhope]

Oh my dear, my heart goes out to you.

There is NOTHING wrong with you. It is all him and you deserve far far better.

Please use the chat on Women’s aid for support or seek local support. It’s hard for family to understand as they aren’t in it, haven’t experienced and don’t hold the feelings you do. They see you getting hurt and are worried for you.

unfortunately we are the only ones in these situations who can take the steps we need for ourselves and it is so hard.

Be kind to yourself. You have gone through so much.
Write down the things he has done to you, so that when your looking through rose tinted glasses at the good times, see the reality of the situation. Read up on the cycle of abuse.
You have done so well to get this far. Hold strong, you can do this. You deserve a happy life and to life at ease.

Take small steps to keep yourself going. Some days you may need to pause and that’s ok. But you can do this, you have survived so much already.

If a friend or family member just explained all this to you, what would you say. You are worth it and you deserve better.

Sending you so much strength and love. Take care of you. xx

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Daisy500

Sorry to hear whats been happening to you, and all that its done to you. I’m so glad to hear that you have family who want to keep you safe. Unfortunately, I think they will find it very hard to understand how you can love someone who causes you such dreadful harm. It is a difficult thing to understand, you are bonded to him because of the abuse. It doesn’t mean you can’t break the bond, you definitely can, but its like an addiction, rather than actual love, and will keep trying to pull you back in, no matter how awfully he may abuse you. You are amongst women here who do understand this, and that hopefully means you will feel able to post your situation without any fear of judgement.

You have been through so much to come to this point and you deserve to have a life free from abuse and pain. Experience tells us that it gets worse each time you return to it, as the controls become ever tighter on you, and the punishments worse. You’ve suffered some frankly horrific injuries, and these are never, ever, because of anything you could ever do! This is on him, totally, on him.

Give yourself time to rest, to tend to yourself and nurture yourself, thinking about what you need to help you, what you like to do, how you want to spent your day, don’t make it about him anymore, but about you and prioritising yourself. Be selfish and greedy with time for yourself, you don’t owe anyone anything but you do owe it to yourself to treat yourself kindly and build your boundaries to protect you from anything like this ever happening again.

If you do go back though, please don’t think that you can’t talk to us about that, you can, without judgements. The important thing is to keep talking, and only speak to those in your family/friends that have understanding because of their own experiences, or because they have chosen to educate themselves about the complexities of DA so they hvae understand then and help others.

Do keep posting..and stay safe, we’re all here for you x

Warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing wrong with answering back (that’s standing up for yourself) but abusers don’t like that cos they have to be right all the time and don’t like us having any control.Not sure how the situation lies now but I’d consider taking a restraining order out (unless he’s leaving you alone)or maybe as a precaution part of abusers taking 0 responsibility means when we stand up for ourselves (or have to fight back) they use that against us and blackmail us with it (they think it makes them really strong and justified) but there’s been many incidents with him where he’s caused you harm (you have proof of those) they’re all spiteful beings that see everything as a competition they have to win and desperately clutch at straws to try and make us scared and to try and protect themselves from accountability so they’ll blame-switch, threaten and guilt, I don’t know where you wanna go from here with it all but there are people out there who can help whatever road you take as long as you have no contact with him (cos we turn into people we don’t recognise around them (I know I’ve scared myself sometimes through their aggressive behaviour who I could end up becoming I know you’ve felt the same way at certain points) block him on everything never have any contact with this dangerous human being as long as you live (or let anyone he knows get to you either)
❤️🧡❤️

[Author]

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