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Hi all.
My controlling husband has asked for a divorce. (detail removed by Moderator) We have have young kids and he is angry over how we will divide the assets etc. He has repeatedly accused me of having affairs which I never have and his reasoning is often ridiculous. I’ve agreed to the divorce, (detail removed by Moderator) but he still lives here until he can get a new place and it seems like he is trying to wind me up till I yell and he can call unreasonable etc. He keeps going in about the finances I said we need a mediator etc etc try to stop the conversation. (detail removed by Moderator) he was getting really angry but he never raises his voice. He called me a horrible name and told me to xxxx off. I messaged some people to tell them what he said and a friend called while he was upstairs. (detail removed by Moderator) Ignored him, he came back in and started on about my mental health then berated me for crying. I hid upstairs for the rest of the night. He’s been out (detail removed by Moderator) and I’ve called helplines and I’ve been advised to log everything with the police. He’s gone out and daid he won’t be back tonight. I just feel so anxious and awful and I still keep thinking I’m being dramatic and over sensitive and then feeling bad for talking badly about him. Just venting really I just feel very sad
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Oh lovely I’m so sorry this is your world right now. I wasn’t married but everything else in your post I’ve lived and it’s awful isn’t it. He won’t leave. They don’t unless they have a new supply. Then he’s trying to get a reaction from you so he can do exactly this – make out you’re the bad one & he’s the victim, he will try to use your reactions against you so logging your version at the time is good evidence. As hard as it is, try not to react. If it’s safe to do so then walk away when he starts, or focus on the kids not him. Speak to your solicitor about your options for the house like occupation orders. He won’t be looking for somewhere to live and he’ll lie saying he is. Best thing you can do is ‘do you’. Don’t worry or react if he doesn’t come back tonight, don’t question him about it tomorrow (it’s what he wants). And spend your time educating yourself on these men/relationships, knowledge really is the power that gives you strength to realise you’re not not alone and you’re not the problem here xx
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Thank you so much for your kind words I’m so sorry you have had to go through similar. I can’t make myself believe this is all real it feels like I’m stuck in a nightmare I can’t get out of. He’s now spoken to some family and indicated that I don’t want to know what they said meaning he has spouted his accusations to them. I know I need to rise above but I’m so angry. And the saddest part is he will never wake up and realise or care what he has done. He will always think he is right
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Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ really helped me see all of the behaviours they use, so many we don’t even realise they do or we excuse. This helped me realise it wasn’t right or going to change. Mine always used to tell me his mates/family hated me and called me names, in reality he’s either telling them a load of rubbish to make out he’s the victim here, or he’s lying about talking to them. Either way these aren’t your people especially if they believe him. You’re right the saddest and hardest part of all this is realising he won’t change and doesn’t feel the same way you do, but as someone recently out, it’s been a worthwhile journey leaving xx
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Your not being dramatic or overreacting your feelings are perfectly valid for what your going though, he’s an abuser so his reactions to you crying are gonna be different from a normal caring person, he’s trying to brainwash you into thinking your reactions aren’t right when they 💯 are, I’m glad you can see the intentionality if his trying to antagonise you and the accusation of you having affairs could be a projection of what he could be doing or wants to do (like who is he staying with?) it’s also a way to evade responsibility in the way of you can’t be leaving me for the way I am it’s impossible I’m perfect? so it must be something you’ve done or are doing (you get my drift they’ll take no responsibility and invalidate all your justified feelings)your the one being abused he isn’t and you will see that one day 💞🤗💞
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