I need him to let me go

[ImFeelinglost]

Hi I am really struggling tonight and I don’t know where to turn. I split from my ex (detail removed by moderator) ago but was never fully split as still said he loved me and wanted to come back when he sorted himself out so stupidly I believed it and have been waiting he cheated alot but said he had changed. I found out from my oldest that he has been in a new relationship since the day he left (detail removed by moderator) and they asked her to not tell me, which really affected my child as we don’t keep secrets. I am struggling to find my voice and say just cut the cord. I feel like I’ll never be able to move on and be alone for ever. I’m not sleeping or eating. I tried to fall asleep tonight and in that hour he had sent me (detail removed by moderator) messages while he is at his gf. I feel so stupid and sick as I didn’t know so have slept with him during this break and just feel like a fool. I know I need to let go and move on to get out of this cycle but really don’t know how.

[KIP.]

Hey, typical abuser behaviour. You don’t need him to let you go, that choice is yours. Start by taking back control and showing your child that his behaviour is totally unacceptable. Block him on everything and go total zero contact. Abusers are parasites and will suck the life from anyone they can. My ex told my son the same. Involving our children is totally unacceptable and extremely damaging but it shows just how little they care. It’s making them take his side essentially. So my advice is to have absolutely zero direct contact, use a third party for all contact If there are legal or child care issues. Children from homes where there’s domestic abuse are far more likely to be abused as adults. Talk to your local womens aid, there are courses for children who have experienced domestic abuse and this is child abuse. Remember abusers are liars. Do not believe a word he says x it will get easier with zero contact, it’s like breaking a bad addiction. He’s cheating on you and he new girlfriend. They have absolutely no moral compass. Everyone is collateral damage to them. Take back control x

[Anonymous]

Totally agree , you have got to let go , they won’t let anyone go if you serve a perpose to them , this Cycle will continue if you allow it , he knows he can do what his doing as your allowing it , everyone is a pawn in their sick games . Don’t blame yourself we have all been in that position where we want to believe them , we want to be loved and we trust them that what they are saying is different this time , they realised what they have lost . Only you can take this power & control away from him and walk away , ignore everything if you cannot block him yet , do not react or respond . Don’t allow yourself to be used & abused by this person any longer , his already dragging you down , don’t let him .

[Grey Rock]

It took me a long time to really believe in my inner self that I didn’t need his permission to leave. That he didn’t have to like or agree to it. That he didn’t in some way own me. When I left I felt like I’d robbed him. But I know now that this is just how he’d trained me to think. I’m now mostly out if that FIG (fear Obligation and Guilt) although on some days with certain triggers I catch old erroneous thoughts slipping in and have to make an effort to chuck them out.

You belong to yourself. You don’t owe him bondage to him. You don’t owe him anything.

GR

Xx

[Grey Rock]

Ps

These aren’t my own words but I hope they help…

‘When distance equals safety you don’t owe an explanation.

When explaining may lead to further abuse you don’t owe an explanation.

When someone has abused you, you don’t owe them anything. Period.

There can be a lot of guilt or shame for cutting of the abuser, for not communicating why we feel the need to keep them at a distance or feeling as though our behaviour mirror theirs when they would use silence to punish.

Maybe you try to reach out and ‘do the right thing’ and explain why you’ve had to make the choice to create distance. Often, this won’t go the way you hope, and this conversation will be manipulated or used to shift blame.

You don’t owe it to them to explain the consequences of their behaviour.

[Anonymous]

I ended up having to point blank tell my ex twice it was over , drunk , didn’t remember, doesn’t accept his responsibility, tried too many times to tell him to stop what he was doing , waste of my breath . I just walked away , felt no guilt , I started to prioritise myself rather than worry about his needs & wants , making him happy , when I was so miserable inside . They never let you go , you have to be the strong one to say enough is enough and mean it , I deserve better .

[Bananaboat]

You won’t be alone, you’ll be a happier, lighter version of yourself and you’ll have a happier child. It’s so hard to cut that cord, you hang onto the hope of change it’s an addiction because of how we’ve lived/survived, but you deserve so much more love and respect than he can ever offer. You’ll see it a thousand times on here – they don’t change.x

[ImFeelinglost]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have taken steps today I have deleted social media and muted his messages to me so I feel that’s a step. Someone mentioned the Freedom programme will it do any good. I spoke to gp a few months ago about counselling but never heard anything back. I feel if I talk to womensaid, it will put a note on him with police and I don’t want that, I want help but not to have to mention my ex or details on him is there a service that anyone knows does that?

[Grey Rock]

Hiya. Women’s Aid won’t contact the police unless you want to, and without you signing a statement the police wouldn’t do anything anyway. So please don’t let that put you off of getting support from them.
And yes, the Freedom Program is very helpful. It was one of the best things I did. Such a relief to talk about things with others who have experienced similar and don’t find it shocking or say stupid s**t like “I’d never put up with that” when they’ve never been in that situation and are just blowing out if their arses (sorry to sound bitter, but sometimes talking to freinds or family who haven’t experienced it can be so infuriating and downright painful that it’s best avoided).

GR x

[ImFeelinglost]

Thank you, I will definitely look at it. I think because I read into a law that they can be marked as abusive and you just have to ask police to do a check I’m scared that he will find out I have done it and will just make things worse because he tells me all the time (detail removed by moderator).

[Grey Rock]

Yeah. Sounds like the sort of thing my ex used to come out with. I think we can all do without that kind of ‘caring’. It’s not love. It’s control and ownership.

Have you ever requested a Claire’s Law disclosure about him?

GR x

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