I need other people's opinions please

[Shaz]

Hi all
I just typed out the longest note but it didn’t seem to save, so this is majorly brief. I got back with my ex (detail removed by Moderator) and things are bad again. I want to leave but want people’s opinion on why the following things are done to me (sorry for brevity I can’t re-type my 45 minute message I just lost):
– I found out I was going to miscarry our baby. (detail removed by Moderator) later I see he has saved the number of a girl he cheated on me with and saved her under a different name. When I question who it is he tried to leave and pushed me against the door I’m leaning against
– spends a 1.5 hour walk telling me ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ 1.5 hours.
– leaves me in a remote country park as he wants to see ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’and leaves me to walk back up a steep hill alone with nobody around
– after a weekend of me driving to and from night’s out with him, I’m getting into bed at (detail removed by Moderator), totally exhausted, and he says ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’
– the night of my miscarraige he just went to bed in the other room without saying one word to me
– tells me how I should apologise for the impact my leaving him last year had on family members

I’m quite sure I have had more than enough of this. My question to everyone is why? Why does he do these things? I honestly am dumbfounded and cannot understand the motivation from someone who claims to love me. For the record, my feelings have all gone.

Thanks for listening x

[KIP.]

Hi there, I’m so sorry for what you have experienced. The sad and simple truth is that he does these things to you because they make him feel good. It’s hard for us to understand but abusers thrive on our misery. And when we are ill or weak they seem to take advantage and make things worse. They gaslight and manipulate and constantly lie and are also very often serial cheaters. Try ringing the helpline number on her and chat to someone who understands. Your local women’s aid are also a good source. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. They also very often accuse us of the things they are doing. My ex accused me of stealing his money when he in fact had emptied our account. It’s unbelievable mind blowing dysfunction. They are simply not nice people and I see nothing in your post that actually shows he loves you. It’s easy to say the words I love you but unless they act like they love you, the words are meaningless. Try to keep a journal of his behaviour and how it makes you feel. Write down why you split up. I bet you had very good reason. Perhaps he hooked you back in with false promises the way these men very often do. Hang in there. I feel your pain. I miscarried too and I know it’s now more than ever you need some love and care so go to the people who show you that. Perhaps your own close family x

[diymum@1]

Have a look at projection wiki have a good definition. He shifts his wrong doing onto you so that he doesn’t need to carry any responsibility for cheating or any of his behaviours. He sounds like he has no empathy at all. That’s not your fault one bit. Have you looked into n**********c traits? Reach out for support from womens aid and your GP.Its so important to understand exactly what you’ve asked why does he do that? lundy Bancroft has written two books about this and its entitled exactly that. It reveal these mens thinking what youll se is its all very illogical and irrational xx i hope you are ok take care much love diymum x

[Shaz]

Thank you KIP and diymum.

Appreciate your comments. Yes i have looked at n**********c traits, i think he might have told me thats what i have a while back.

I know why i left yet that has been blamed on me. And yes he told me he had changed and there would be a fresh start. If anything its 100 times worse. He has been staying away but to actually split we need to sell the house. Its goung to be a long road, again, and i feel so foolish that im doing exactly the same as what i did the first time i left. How do you have the strength? Its all so tiring.

Xx

[diymum@1]

It’s a case of one foot infront of the other. Having a goal your determined to achieve ☺it is exhausting but what is the alternative? Don’t give up, you can do this. We all went back over and over. It’s like we go full circle again and again until we (well I personally)learned that lesson. That lesson for me was it’s ok to give up on him, I can’t do anything to change him/this. So it’s grip the bull by the horns and put your own needs first ☺maybe for the first time in a long time -that’s what you have to do xx I’d get WA on side , we’re here to help and cheer you on when you need that.

[maddog]

It is exhausting Shaz. I’m sorry about your miscarriage. I hope you are recovering well.

The police told me there’s no real way of understanding these abusers. They abuse because they abuse. What we can do is go ‘grey rock’. Cease engagement. As the fog clears and we learn to see these people for what they are it becomes easier to disengage.

My ex goes on and on and on. It’s really difficult when he uses the children. What a toe rag. Actually even my ex was a toe rag, he should not be used. Put in the toxic waste bin!

[Shaz]

Thank you so much.

Its funny he hasnt asked how im doing after what happened to me. Just more interested in asking if im having an affair. Writing that down actually disgusts me- he asked me that 2 weeks after I miscarried. What kind of human being would do that? I’m saddened that I’m even still in this house at all.

Diymum thank you, your comment about my having a goal im determined to achieve and putting my own needs first- reminds me of what a counsellor said to me in October, about what needs were being met for me in all this. Thank you. That has spurred me on.

Maddog- thank you, I’m just trying to take each day at a time. I think im approaching grey rock- he barely speaks to me now anyway so i suppose thats easier.

Thank you for your support x

[Shaz]

Hi again

So ive told him (again) that its over and i am now quite scared. Its made him even angrier and its frightening how the last monologue i just had from him basically said that this is my doing, i never show affection and i cause him to have said and done these things to me. All what he has done has been a reaction to how i have been and my lack of love and feeling for him. I agree i have withdrawn it, but i find it emotionally and physically impossible to show or feel love for someone who treats me that way. On the outside i suppose it looks like a vicious circle.. thing is even though i feel no love and feel anxious and scared when he comes in to lecture me again, im starting to feel like it is all my fault. He just tells me its me and i make no effort. He also just presented me with a justification or reason for everything he has said or done.
How do i figure this out? How do i know it isnt me?

Shaz

[KIP.]

You will not win an argument with an abuser. They simply change the goal posts. They gaslight and lie and twist and we come away feeling even more depressed and confused. It’s not your fault. However this is a very dangerous time for you. Abuse very often escalates when women try to end an abusive relationship. Contact women’s aid for help and a safe exit plan. Do not,listen to his lies and manipulation. No matter how he tries to justify his behaviour he chooses to abuse you. You owe him nothing. It’s your life and if your not happy you’re simply entitled to end the relationship. The problem is these men won’t allow that.

[Iwantmeback]

It’s not your fault, not any of it. We automatically withdraw from them because of how they treat us. They treat us like this for no any other reason than because it makes them feel better about themselves but justify in their heads that it’s because we withdraw from them in order to do so.
That’s his opinion and he’s entitled to it but we all know it’s delusional. He’s trying so hard to confuse you and turn around his behaviour and project it as yours.
Because it’s so illogical we as logical people try to make sense out of it, because logically there has to be a reason why he does that, right? But that’s just it, there is no logic to their thinking. The goalposts change constantly, rules change continually.
When he says it’s your fault, don’t try and defend yourself. Try, that’s your opinion, or something similar. By acknowledging he’s said something but giving him nothing to argue back with, it’ll confuse him and he’ll have to try anither tactic. There is nothing you can do as in making an effort to change, because he’ll tire of whatever you do next and go on to find something else to get annoyed/rage at.
WA can help organise a safe exit plan you’re safe just now?, make plans to leave as soon as you can, his behaviour will get worse and then it’ll change if he realises your done and are getting ready to leave. It’ll either get worse or he’ll start to try to hoover you back in, promising he’ll change, whatever it takes to keep you. And so it continues.
When we’re scared we do what we do to survive. Once that moment goes, we minimise just how bad it was and so we give them another chance. I hope your okay and can soon get away from this man and be yourself again.
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

Have you read about victim blaming? Its engrained in out culture, if you have time have a look at jackson katz he claims it’s a men’s issue a real problem. Basically it is more acceptable to look at domestic abuse as the woman’s fault, she’s the one staying and putting up with him. But why aren’t we blaming the perpetrators directly lime we should be? Its easier to blame the target. Society need to change in their thinking. This is a normal reaction to whst you’ve been through, this isn’t your fault it’s his 100% xxxx look at also with kids we call abuse sexual abuse it’s actually rape. It’s time we started calling people out on their behaviours xx

[Flowerchild]

Never mind why, is my advice. Is there any possible reason that would make his behaviour acceptable to you?

He’s in control as long as you are thinking about him and all the whys and wherefores. He loves being the focus of all your thoughts and it may even drive him to carry on.

I’m going to suggest you turn the focus on yourself. What do you want from life? What makes you happy? What are your plans? What (or who) is stopping you?

Time for you now, darling!

Flower x

[Shaz]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

When i got in yesterday he was sat waiting for me when i came in. It was really scary. (detail removed by moderator)

It escalated quite badly last night as he went out drinking and when he came in he was incandescently angry, shouting and screaming at me. He mocked my family for never shouting at each other (as thats the way to resolve issues apparantly) and i dont shout as i dont care about him and have no emotion (i have shouted in this relationship more than i ever have). That i have changed him, that i dont deserve him, that its all my fault, and that i am abusive. He then got in the same bed as me (detail removed by moderator). Disgustingly he kissed me goodbye before he left for work this morning as i was pretending to be asleep. Its unbearable.

I am making plans, im going to leave (again) without him knowing as soon as i can. Im going to counselling. She wants me to focus on who i am and what my goals are. Thats important.

You are all so important in me being able to gain some clarity and understanding my situation. Thank you x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Shaz, your oh has actually given you his confession. Reread where he’s blamed you for everything and turn it around and put him into where he says you. That’s projection. For the record I’ve shouted more in this relationship too, neither of my parents shouted at each other or threw things in anger.
Kissing you is his way or believing that his behaviour is okay. It dawned on me sometime ago that my oh would take me out at a weekend and spend loads on things I ‘needed’, but it was always after a particularly wicked time during the week. I got wise to it (but didn’t know it was part of the cycle of abuse) and stopped accepting these things. We no longer go out after arguements now to buy me anything. What he does now is do things around the house That’s been needing done for ages and I mean ages. But he’ll always say that’s me done.
As for taking your tabs, that’s his way of telling you he doesnt want children but he will try his earnest to get you pregnant. Please don’t have children wirth this man. Let him think your still taking them but also secretly take the pill too. Maybe the doctor could give an invisible form of contraception until you’re away from him. We do what we do to survive. If you have to have sex with him until you leave that’s okay. It’s the last thing we want to do BUT we do what we do to survive. It’s sex, not love. He’ll tell you everything you want to hear but his actions don’t corroborate his words one bit.
I’m so sorry you had to go through last night, it makes staying that bit harder each time they k..k off, leaving as you know it’s the hardest thing to do. It takes courage to face our fears.
Can you phone your doctors tomorrow and get an emergency appointment, let them know exactly what’s going on to.
You shouldn’t have to put up with all this especially after losing your baby. These men will say anything to hurt us. To accuse you of having an affair just after a miscarriage is wickedness personified. It’s all about his gratification,powers and control of you.
Take care shaz, lull him into a false sense of security, cry crocodile tears(though I know they won’t be, they’ll be real). Time to get a cold hearted as he is.

Love to you
IWMB 💕💕

[Iwantmeback]

that’s me done xyz for your benefit. It’s your house(it’s not, it’s a joint mortgage), I’ve done up your garden!! I’ve fixed your …..

[Doris]

Hi Shaz, my husband always mocks my parents (now deceased) for not shouting at each other and when I defend them (explaining that in a healthy relationship it is normal to respect your partner) he just talks over me lecturing about how my dad was completely under my mum’s thumb and they were cold and emotionless, which, of course, is why I am cold and emotionless apparently. I might just as well talk to the door. His parents shouted at each other – this was the first thing I noticed when I first dated him. But I was young and naive and knew nothing about unequal power relationships and DA so dismissed the red flag. My husband said that arguing and shouting was normal and cleared the air. Unbelievable – and I did not worry about it at the time because he did not shout at me in those days. And like your partner his behaviour after the blow-up is as if nothing has happened or been said. He wanted a separation last week because I was so unsupportive and a betrayer (?) but today it is all kisses and smiles. What planet does he live on! Take care out there my friends. X

[Doris]

BTW – my dad was a sweetie. X

[Shaz]

Thank you everyone for your replies, I didnt reply before as he gets agitated when im on my phone so had to wait till now.
Briefly, i didnt sleep last night as i was so anxious. He left work eatly yesterday and came home because i wasnt answering my phone. Then he stood in fromt of the door and wouldnt let me leave to go to the supermarket. Its draining. Absolutely hidious. Im at work now so will reply more later x

[Iwantmeback]

Just wanted to let you know id read your post Shaz. Take care, and keep planning.xx

[diymum@1]

It is best to get out this time shaz. This is the type of behaviour i was putting up with. if i went on a night out he would wait up for me on a seat in the back garden. I sometimes couldnt leave for work as he would physically barr me from opening the door. He was double my weight and size. i eventually stopped going out (literally) i was like a captive prisoner. looking back this was actually entrapment – dont let this get as far as i did because now i feel that this is one thing that triggers me so badly. feeling trapped whether it be in a toilet or in a situation that i feel i cant get out off. these situations can scar us and the longer were exposed the worse the effects are. i hope you can leave safely, pick a time when hes not around and get all the support service involved that you can x*x

[Shaz]

Hi all

Sorry its took me so long to reply. When im at home i cant go near my phone hence my lack of response. This will be a short reply again im afraid.
Hes now questioning everywhere i go. He is trying to catch me out on my every move and with trying to hold down a stressful job its really hard and really scary. My mum must have known as she phoned to tell me she is worried about me and i must leave.
I am petrified whenever im with him and whatever i say he doesnt beleive.

Thank you for all your replies, when i get time and chance i will respond properly.

Shaz

[Iwantmeback]

hi Shaz, remember to contact the police if you fear for your life. It’s something that totally goes out my head when I’m in the moment, it’s all about getting him to see sense, calm down. I never think of me. Can you get a safe word or sentence, so that if you text your mum or speak to her she knows to call the police on your behalf, something that if he heard or read, wouldn’t mean anything.
Take care sweetheart, you deserve to be happy and to not be feeling scared of saying or doing the wrong thing.
He’s aware you’re changing that’s why he’s not letting you out of his sights, trying to catch you out. If he’s accusing you of stealing or of seeing anyone, take it as his confession. Don’t try and defend yourself, there’s no point, try saying, I’m sorry you think that, or, that’s your opinion. Have you looked in to going grey rock. Google when you can.
Stay safe my love
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

IWMB is right you shouldn’t be living like thus , in fear. It’s horrible I remember that hold so well😐can you make an escape the next time he goes out? I’d let your mum know and I’d go to her if I were you. I know it’s scarey but this is dangerous for you, so you could alert the police on exit? I know this is scarey but it’s best to be safe xx please put your needs first, don’t underestimate theses type of men xx much love diymum 💪💕💕

[diymum@1]

Also and I read this senario on here alot (I also felt this)we don’t want to contact the police 1 for fear of retribution
2 because we’re conditioned to feel like we’re not even worthy of help
3 we get so confused by them we can’t think straight in the moment
4 we listen to horror storeys that the police are hopeless
5 we feel ashamed and to blame for what has happened
6 were terrified they’ll do what they do best -switch it on us(your seen as crazy or on the flip side ur exaggerating
7 we worry they will get full custody
8 they will discard us for another woman

Here’s the reality ( this is my experience ) there was no retribution once he was faced with the law and court there was no way for him to turn, he had acted unlawfully.yes were conditioned but everyone is worthy of help,and support, it’s our right ☺the confusion lifts with no contact we prepare to act ie fight them every inch of the way.I found the police to be really supportI’ve, they couldn’t have done more -but I didn’t under play it- I told them we were terrified for our lives (which was the truth)we shouldn’t be ashamed we did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve this.if they switch this on us be ready to explain the dynamics of abuse (calling us crazy is the numerous one form of gaslighting/projection. Custody -inevitably they give up if we go no contact for ourselves or they screw up and court stops the contact. Lastly these men can only have very superficial relationships, including with us! It means nothing xx so there it is please don’t be scared xx much love diymum 💪 💕 💕

[Shaz]

Hi all

Thank you for your posts, again sorry for the delay with my reply.

Im now starting to deliberately ‘obey’ all the ‘rules’ , being ‘nice’ etc etc and low and behold as a result he is being extra nice now, he is sorry, he wants to look after me, can we be normal and loving with each other… So. Dont get me wrong, im still suffering, im still in physical pain due to how scared i have been the last week and how exhausted i am with every argument accusation, and criticism. But I now feel like if I left id be leaving him to deal with so much (his father suddenly passed recently), what iy would do to his mother, his family. I dread to think how he will react but rage and anger come to mind. I know this is the cycle, its happened 1000s of times (literally) but given how desperate i was to run and to get as far as physically possible away from him, and I know how utterly broken I am (my counsellor said she could see at the last session), how do i now get rid of this feeling bad about leaving? Im petrified I will chicken out again and I will never get free.

Its almost like its easier to leave in the midst of fear but i need to sort things out first and for that i need calm. How do i keep my strength and ensure i do this?

Shax xx

[Fudgecake]

They do it because they can. Power, control and complete domination is what they need.
It breaks you down and is pure evil.
There is no rest only anticipation of the next drama.
As to leaving? Unless your safety is in danger then make plans and ensure you have some support. It’s traumatic and expensive.
However, what is the price of freedom?
I’m finding out… upheaval, loneliness, distrust, BUT I know this is temporary. I will rebuild my life on my terms. Living life under total domination is no life. But, to escape you must plan and be as ruthless to their feelings as they are to yours.
It’s not easy. Be prepared, play the game until you can make your move.
There’s no winners though only the burnt ashes of your efforts to love someone.

[Author]

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