I need out

[thismammacan]

I’ve been with my partner a number of years and he has always been abusive to some extent. At first he just controlled who I spoke to, but then he’d accuse me of cheating (when he was), he started to get physically abusive and now it has become the norm for him to call me names and belittle me – even his parents do it “jokingly” now.

I have young children and don’t want them to pick up on this behaviour and think it normal and I am so unhappy that I just need out now.

I have no bank account (only a joint one…he made me close my own account), no money of my own, no family around that can help. I have very supportive friends. Where do I start?

I have poor credit (another result of this abuse) and so I’m not sure if I can even get an account of my own while still on the joint account. And because I’m trying to not let on that I’m making plans to leave I need him to not figure out what I’m doing! This feels like a huge mess

[AppleNinja]

Hello Thismammacan,

Before I say anything else, please know that you are not alone in this situation and you’re not alone whose situation is an utter mess!

I’m very sorry to hear it has gone so far that even your partner’s parents participate in making you feel this way.
You are very brave to have started thinking about getting out. You must be deeply unhappy; and concerned for your children too.

I’m in a very similar position. No immediate family around, no money left, a young child. But there is lots of support and you can get lots of really good advice.

Just do it baby step by baby step.
Can you go and talk to a bank? I don’t see why having a joint account would rule out opening another account just for yourself. I have recently contacted my bank – I am unable to make monthly loan repayments because my partner doesn’t have any income and refuses to do anything about it. I explained my situation and they were, so far, helpful. They are certainly willing to discuss options with me and we’re going to discuss how I can manage my debt and my overall finances.

So if they are helpful with debt, I’m very positive that they will be willing to open a new account for you.

Will you be able to put some money into it though? It sounds like he controls the finances. if you don’t have any money, then I would think of getting into a refuge. Once there, you will be able to claim benefits until you can stand on your feet.

My concern is, as you say, kids picking up on the bad behaviour and learning it. Before you know they will speak to you like that as well and will have an attitude that is hard to change. It’s happened to me with my daughter. So now I have to spend lots of energy explaining to her that we don’t want to speak like daddy does – how confusing is that for a child?!

Your husband’s behaviour is unacceptable and it will have a huge influence on your children. Your children and you deserve better.

Because of your financial situation, I don’t see a better option than go to a refuge. Maybe other girls on here will come up with other ideas but I think that in refuge you’ll get lots of other support as well.

Apple

[endoftherainbow]

Hello, I agree with Apple, maybe refuge would be a good start. When I left I just had a couple of cases of clothes for me and my kids and left everything behind, Once in refuge I was helped to apply for benefits, opened up my own account, and had breathing space to sort my head out. Its not an easy decision to make, especially with kids, but im so happy I did, iv got my own flat now, started with nothing as I didn’t get anything out of my house back, but we are safe and happy, my children know that its not right to speak and act to anyone the way he was, and im slowly getting back to being me, its a long hard road, but its so worth it……good luck x*x

[Confused123]

hi hun

i agree with ladies a refgue would be a good starting point, u will def be able to open another account so dont worry about that , just request no statements and no correspdence to be sent to home address

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