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Hallo, this forum has saved my sanity at times and thanks to all the kind ladies for all the advice and insights. I have been fortunate enough to be able to speak to staff in the NHS as needed, but I feel I am educating them.My GP has been amazing, and listens and encourages me.
Most other people seem to look puzzled and lost when I describe the coercive control. Typical responses are ‘why didn’t you leave?’ ‘You should have done something’ or ‘was he violent?’. As if being treated like a dog is not sufficient! I have to admit that just being able to tell is a huge load of my shoulders. But now I crave speaking to someone on a 1-1 who can tell me more about the coercive control and specifically advise me on recovery.I feel I am facing a future on my own without any guidance.I did have a counsellor who actually criticised me when I told her some of the things he made me do, she said I should have known better.(Like not having access to food or adequate clothing and medical attention because he hoarded our money and mental and emotionally abused me) I ended those sessions.her words were very damaging.
When I read Kip’s and others’ accounts of some of the advice they has accessed I learn a lot. I do just wish there was a professional, accessible service where people can go to get simple advice on these complexities of being a victim of coercive control, face to face. I am enduring the last dieing stages of getting out and of course he is building up all the subtle freaky manoevures and mind games.(Not enough for protective orders for me). Perhaps I just need reassurance. I feel sooo alone, and scared.
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Just keep going. Once you’re out you will have much more headspace to work it all out. Meantime there are some great books. Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Try to find a support group and keep posting and sharing. Especially when you doubt his behaviour. Between us all we have experienced every trick in the book x
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I’m sorry to hear of your counselling experience with the NHS. Sadly many are trained in CBT approaches for a ‘quick fix’ model of therapy and the human to human connection and empathy gets lost. Some of the things that have been said to you are absolutely not ok. Could you ask if there is someone with experience of domestic abuse working in the NHS organisation near to you?
Also, are there any women’s charitable organisations near you? Some offer fantastic counselling free of charge from psychotherapists and the like who are in training.
Have you completed the freedom programme?
There is such a massive lack of resources for people once they’re out and sometimes before too from what I’ve read.
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Thanks Kip and Hetty. I am keeping a journal and it is so helpful. I have a tendency to forget the s**t as soon as it happens (typical of abuse) and this way I can get a consistent picture. I also write down about my dream world when its all over. I would really recommend this as being super helpful. I know one of you has often mentioned journalling to others.
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With my counselling – it was private! And expensive!She advertised as working with victims of DV and trauma, and used to work in the NHS. Session one, she launched into the drama Triangle- do you know this? I told her a) it was unsuitable for me as a victim of Coercive control and b) I knew it was unsuitable as I am familiar with it and tried it for years and it made things worse. This particular counsellor was really low on basic human empathy. I could pay for another one privately but don’t think I could ever trust one again unless it os absolutely dead certain that they work currently with adult female victims of domestic abuse, and can be highly recommended.
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Yes I’m familiar with the drama triangle. I imagine using that approach could potentially leave you feeling like you’re somewhat at fault for the abuse? Sadly the world of private counselling is unregulated and training differs. People can claim any old thing about their experience. Totally unethical of course x
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Ps I’m very into dreams and dream very vividly. Prior to my husband returning from his last business trip I was having really vivid nightmares. Totally made me realise the trauma he exposes me to x
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oh so sorry Hetty to hear about your nightmares. I used to have them but for some reason they stopped.Saying that my sleep is very poor, too light and interrupted. I am imagining a future (not too far away) where women will be able to have brain scans that demonstrate the damage caused to cells and structures (for thats what causes the memory lapses and nightmares) from coercive control/DV.
It just makes me so angry that they can get away with it. I just thought today- its the absence of nurturing in them, the need or drive to care for and nurture another human, or feel obliged to do it wether or not there is something in it for them. No nurturing and the desire to inflict harm.
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She had a pretty good qualification, regulated etc. It’s just how some counsellors are trained. I did some counsellor training years ago and thats how I knew about it. It does put the onus on the client as the source of the problem and completely ignores the dynamics of manipulation that these n*********s can use. Also, the behaviours from the abusers aren’t like fixed solid- they change as the victims adapts their behaviours to lessen the bad stuff happening. We all know about the mind games and gaslighting and shifting sands … the smirks that someone mentioned elsewhere when they think they have lied to you and you don’t know.
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Oh Cecile! What a horrible experience!
I tried for years to find a good therapist – the lady I go to is actually a psychologist rather than a counsellor and I wonder if this makes a difference. If I’m reading a self help book that she hasn’t read, she’ll read it too so she can help me apply it if she thinks it is good for me. I found her through the British Psychological Society. She is also wonderful at finding funding so I can afford her.
I hope you find someone you can rely on to guide you through your recovery my lovely. X*x
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Funnily enough I had decided to look for a psychologist..they tend to be more clinical. It has to be someone who understands the distorted behaviours of the n********t. I did send the oh to one years ago… now that was interesting—apparently the OH agreed with the psychologists opinion that if he felt lessened by my actions pr achievements it triggered his rages.(THESE DETAILS ARE CHANGED A BIT)He even had it written down. He (the oh) thought this was brilliant, sicko. It was basically more attention for him. Of course nowadays we would instantly say ‘n********t!’ at that. I feel so stupid actually- that was a red flag made of atomic flares.
I just want to tell someone wha has happened to me – bear witness, its called- and get some insightful advice. otherwise I feel like I am heading in to a wilderness. How am I supposed to behave without all the controls? Hard to explain. I suppose I need way -markers. But for me, on my terms. 🙁
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